Say this aloud to yourself at least three times:
There is no separate self at all in reality. No agent that is in charge, no manager, no watcher, no witness, no owner of life; all there is is life flowing freely as one movement, all there is just what’s happening.
Watch, wait, notice - what comes up? Is there fear? Is there a doubt? Resistance? Frustration? Something that wants to scream and make a turn away, something that says this is not working? Or maybe there is a feeling of wow, joy, relief? Or is there boredom? Or wanting it to be different? Or a secret desire for it not to be true?
today, and also now, when exploring this (by saying the words loud, then looking), there is a direct seeing that things just happen, be it "within Benno", be it "outside in the world", not difference in quality between them, there is a recognizing that no "me" needed to explain what happens with Benno (how he moves his body for example), like no manager is needed to explain why the wind blows exactly as it does. Seeing my hand moving in my visual field, and a bird flying by a moment later, is not different at all. There is the notion that both are equally part of what is happening.
There is definitely at that moment the seeing that there is no doer involved, at least its not "me" doing anything; but there is still someone present, "me", who sees what is happening...
By the way, when no one is there in reality, this means that the inquiry also is just something that happens, or doesnt happen? Some direct path teachings speak of a "higher reason" that is carrying out inquiry...??
Is there fear?
no fear, but kind of an excitement; looking inside after saying the words was making me calmer today
Is there a doubt?
yes, but its more a doubting if I would be able to change my viewpoint
I would say no, not today. I was relieved that today I was able to focus on these questions.
Yes; kind of a frustration that, while there seemed to be a clear seeing of "nobody doing", no deeper realization would happen.
Something that wants to scream and make a turn away, something that says this is not working?
not "scream and make a turn away", but "what I am trying is not working"
Or maybe there is a feeling of wow, joy, relief?
no, but today there was this relief of even being able to inquire.
Or is there boredom?
no; but kind of a negativity regarding the expected outcome. I still went on for a long time, and it felt good, even the notion of someone observing seemed to fade sometimes.
Or wanting it to be different?
there is desire to be special/different sometimes, to be seen as special by other seekers. But this is desirable a byproduct of what I do, not its motivation, and the desire has weakened very much over the last months. I have not spoken to other seekers for a long time.
So when trying to realise "no self", there is no thinking aboput being special when I succeed. It was clearly a big part of my motivation during a long time, but it has stopped. There is a very strong desire for getting out of the prison, finally.
Or a secret desire for it not to be true?
No, I couldnt detect this desire. But today when I thought about this question, I felt a little anxiety suddenly, how I would cope with losing the coziness, familiarity of "me".
Today, after inquiring the above, there were periods, where I was very much with the sensory experience, moment by moment; then I would drift away in some thought-story. When I noticed it, I could see the difference between the two experiences very clearly. The moment by moment reality of my sensory experience, as opposed to the pseudo-reality which my thoughts had created, which made the sensory experience fade into the background, then the reappearance to the moment by moment sensory experience.
I have reread some older posts, and would like to add a few observations:
The mind is believed to be inside the head, in the scull. And some sensations of the head being misinterpreted into a mind, or the place where thoughts appear.
The mind believed to be the storage place of thoughts, memories, images, stories.
But the supposed mind not just storing memories and stories, but also creating them.
Some thoughts about "mind". Maybe it I should clarify further what my notion of "mind" is.
It may be an obstacle. In my current viewpoint, there is something like a "body/mind organism"
Thinking, emotions, all sensory experience, is a functionality of this organism. When a part of it changes/is damaged, the experience also changes, or some kind of experiences will even cease (blindness)
So when I think of "mind", I think of kind of a central control unit, which is represented on the physical level by "brain" mainly. In this physical sense, this "mind" is located in the body, in the skull. But the observer "me" does not seem to be located in the skull, or even in the body.
For example, some time ago a small mosquito flew in my ear and stayed there, making sound when trying to fly away. It was loud and unpleasant. But I never felt it was inside "me", moving inside "me".
So it may be necessary to disentangle all of this - "me", "mind", "observer" - confusion.
When you asked me to find "mind", the only thing I can relate, is to thoughts about some special functionality I connect the word "mind" to.
Any help, guiding is very appreciated.