when I said "I was looking too directly", I probably did not express myself well. It did not feel like clean listening inside/looking in stillness, more like mind going at it in an analytic way, grabbing the experiences to find results.What makes you thing that your looking was too direct? This type of inquiry called direct pointing. So it’s all about directness. It cannot be too direct :)
Thats what I wanted to express, too much "going frontally at it" instead of more listening/looking in silence.
Anyway, today it was very very different. I felt very differently throughout the day. I had an energetic treatment after lunch, that may be part of the changed experience.
Throughout the day, there was a regular looking at what had come up, if there was an owner, doer of speaking, thinking, acting, feeling. There was always enough "consciousness bandwidth" left to look at this. I don't remember a day like this, being able to continuously look for a long time. Very smooth, nothing seemed to "stick" for more than a moment. There was (and is) kind of a sweetness felt during most experiences.
There were conflicts, and there was anger a few times, but when I remembered to look a moment later, I did not feel that there was an owner or doer. Anger was bound to happen in this situation, no problem.
So it felt very clean in a way, but there is always a familiar feeling of somebody being there, witnessing what is happening, being really pleased, and there were thoughts on what to answer Vivian, a lot of commenting was going on sometimes.
Can inquiry be different, as long it is needed? Isn't there always an inquirer, as long as inquiry is going on?
I did not inquire into "who is inquiring" today. It was a very busy, breathless day, and being able to look effortlessly inward in most situations, felt very very special already.
I use the active form with "I", "me" etc many times. "I want to write this or that" for example appeared as thought during the day, and so I repeat when writing. It feels silly to me to eliminate first person in writing at any cost. Language is difficult with this subject, sigh.
So I can only write that in all situation today I looked at, I felt there was no doer attached to it.What makes thoughts into ‘my’ thoughts?
Where is the I that owns these thoughts?
Literally search for the I, which these thoughts belong TO. Where is it? Where is the owner of thoughts?
Where is the one that wants?
Where is the one that resists?
But what is it that FEELS it?
What does this contracted sensation happens TO?
What FEELS the uneasiness?
Where is the FEELER?
There WAS resistance, there WERE feelings, but they did not need a doer/"somebody it happened to" for their existence. Looking at these events felt neutral, apart from the feeling effortlessness, underlying sweetness and stillness, there were not a lot of feelings.
As I wrote, there is still the familiar feeling of being the one who witnesses.So what is it exactly that is looking at direct experience?
Where is the one inquiring?
It feels very paradoxical to be asked to DO an inquiry, that is supposed to prove that there is no DOER.
thanks for accompanying me :)