Ok, so i tried putting myself in a state of presence by just saying "I" in my head and immediately there was a sort of a felt sense of awareness going on there. And that felt sense is empty - empty od concepts, just .. pure being..Fair enough. We cannot use the thought story to put us in Direct Experience. There is however a space - which originates from SEEING our ACTUAL EXPERIENCE (not going into thinking). We just go Directly there.
Imagine you are in a room. You've never heard of a forest before (wild, huh?). Somebody tells you a story about it. You can either fantasize about the story (thought content) or go outside and into the forest to SEE IT DIRECTLY.
And then immediately after that, random thoughts come up. So, it seems like these thoughts are IN FRONT of this emptiness (of course they aren't though, i am just describing it the best i can.) So, they seem to be coming OUT of this empty, conceptless awareness. I also realized why i was having so much trouble becoming aware of thoughts, and it was because i was trying to shine my awareness on the thoughts/almost like "put awareness" on those thoughts, as if awareness was some "thing" that you can put "on something" like a blanket lol.
I've been saying "I" in my head in the past hour or so just as an exercise and the more I did it, the more i realized that it was WAY better to stay/abide as this enpty awareness as opposed to believing all the BS the mind pumps out and identyfing with it. So this got me thinking... If it seems like thoughts are coming out of this empty awareness and being AS that or IN that enptiness feels way better, wouldn't the logical step be to just be in that emptiness ALL the time? There is no "i" there anyways but it's like awareness is being aware of itself in that emptiness. But it's hard to sustain being "there" because some thought steals attention. It seems like there would have to be some EXTRORDIONARY, almost super-human level ATTENTION that would focus on that awareness/emptiness.
Woops, sorry just saw this before i wanted to post this post... I think i talked about attention some more in this particular post, so I apologize.Don't worry my dear friend - we will cover attention later
Yeah, that is one of the few Buddhist quotes i like :D"If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him". It means that there is no real authority and we need to seek answers for ourselves. We must question everything and never put ourselves above or beneath anybody.
Well, when there is awareness, it seems like this "I" thought/thought of some "Tei" appears within awareness. But then, when "I" come in and say something, it's like there is no more awareness anymore, almost like awareness is lost and something else takes over and the old ego narrative comes back. All sorts of thoughts can appear in awareness (thought of a bread, thought of crickets... - and all of those are fine) but when the "I" thought comes up, it's like attention hijacks this awareness and attention and the ego narratvie takes over.3. Can you really make a statement? What happens when an apparent "you" makes a statement? Where - aside from thought - is that "me"? Somebody who's able to "make something"?
Also, going back to the previous example where "i" said to myself: "i" and this felt sense of empty awareness appeared.. before i said "i" to myself, there were thoughts wandering and only then was there awareness of thought, but like who said "i"? Did it really just happen by itself? Can a thought think up a thought? That would mean a thought would have to appear out ot a other thought (in this case a thought would have to come up out of a "Tei thought). By whom are they thought up? Ok, but are they really thought up? That would mean there is someone to "think them up". Could ot be that they just appear? Why do i believe they have to appear to someone? Who believes this? This belief is also just another thought, generated by no one.
My conclusion to this answer is that whenever "i" say something to myseld, there is attention going into these statements that "i" say and it's almost like you can't make awareness LAST and be aware even in the moments that the statements is made my some apparent "i". But even now, i'm talking as if there is some "i" who has to "keep awareness going" and it's not happening by itself already. It's like the "i" thought cuts off awareness and imposes attention - almost like an unwanted neighbour imposing his loud music ont your unwilling ears.
No, there isn't, but like i said it seems impossible to keep this stream of thought going without attention stealing awareness. And even if i try dropping them/"letting them go", that just creates another Teo who is trying to let go..4. Who was "thinking up the statement"? If thoughts appear spontaneously - is there any effort made by anybody to think?
I think i also answered a lot of these questions myself - like "who is having to keep awareness going"? for example? It seems like i just need to sit with this question more, for example "who is aware?" right? Because at this point i already intelectually know how to "look", i just need to actually do it.
But yeah, i think i will lieten to your advice and divide this into smaller sections. I've been at this for a couple hours now and my brain hurts.. but o will write to you again, if not tommorow then the day after tomorrow (also sorry for not responding earlier, i just went to the seaside with my family and i literally have to walk around the sea and search for a good wi-fi connection all the time lol).