I meant to send that last message before but it just posted now.
I've struggled to do this one, connecting my emotions to the body has always been a struggle. To decribe how I feel with words is a challange.. I tried not to feel for a very long time. It's also a large reason why I read and try to learn intellectually was to find ways to express how I was feeling... I answered as honestly as I experianced..As soon as you notice that it FEELS that there is a me/Cole doing all of these, stop for a moment, and FEEL the sensation in the body that FEELS to be me.
Where is the sensation in the body that feels to be me?
There was many different sensations felt depending on the Experiance.
There would be a moment of feeling the genetials followed by a thought i have to pee.
When it gets later in the day. The sensation in my the eyes of them closing (getting drowsy) followed by a thought I am tired.
A sensation is felt in the stomach. (Movement) followed by a thought I am hungry
A sensation was Experianced somewhere and then labelled as mine/me (itch)
A thought of I should brush my teeth and a sensation in my hand was felt. As if grabbing the tooth brush in preparation
Through experiance there is sensations I feel come up in places on the body, thoughts following taking ownership of them.Which feels to be truer:
- I have no control over what I am doing, I am not moving the arms and legs, they just move, and I just passively observe it.
- There is nothing inside moving the body. The body just moves on its own, without a person orchestrating the movements from within?
There is a feeling of experiencing sensations when Cole Is paying attention..
Meanwhile so many things happen throughout the day where it just happens, Without a Cole even being recgonized as participating in the events.
When playing video games there's moments of anger and frustartion. Saying things and letting people know how cole feels. But there's not a me nessicarily aware that I'm consiously acting them out. It's sort of like a movie playing and I'm watching in the theatre, not even being able to say calm down... or relax it's just a game. I only recogonzied after when relaxed sitting in bed as they come up as memory. Replaying them like that was me???
Cole goes to school everyday but there isn't a Cole making all the actions. There is a Cole after looking at the memories.
reflecting on the things to study in the memories.
There is a sence of just being when the ideas and thoughts don't come in...
Which if it's just being, there isn't a me in a body... there is just this aliveness which feels like:
There is nothing inside moving the body. The body just moves on its own, without a person orchestrating the movements from within.
When those moments of being happen there isn't even a body... Not until thoughts come in to take ownership of the sensations and that feeling of me and the body come back The idea of responsibility to do something about the thoughts comes in and now there's ownership.
I must. I am. I feel. I need,