Code: Select all
What are they currently? check them out and let me know Is there a fear of losing something?
I am not sure about expectations. It feels like that I am standing in front of the house I built (my life), and that
a) I do not like what I see. So there was an expectation that only if I see it differently, it will miraculously become different. There is a feeling of profound sadness associated with it. But as this is all me-centered, it is more like a self pitty sadness. As soon as awareness broadens the sadness is less intense but still there.
b) I want to turn away from this house. So there is an expectation that only if I go somewhere else, then everything will be fine (become a monk, one year world travel, sexual encounters ... the usual midlife crisis stuff). The feeling of profound sadness then is more in conection with the knowledge, that this is grasping for a solution/salvation is an illusion.
c) there is this urge to make my house a big 40 Million$ palace with cinema, swimming pool etc. I definitely earned to have such a house, and please it should turn into a villa without me doing anything for it myself. When it does not happen by itself (damn it really), I despair immediately and give up (sadness in form of pure self-pitty. Yeah it is gross!). Better to not go outside and take a look at that shit, it will never become a villa.
So there is a profound sadness about the whole situation, not only the house, but the whole existential situation of "ME". No idea and connection that would sufficiently explain that in my biography (psychologically). Yes there is this sadness as my father died early and my parents divorced and I missed my father etc. But this sadness is deeper.
[though and went into direct experience for some time]
Yeah. It is a sadness about the fact that nothing will stay, all things change a deep sadness about death. It is not fear of death, but sadness about it. However this sadness is only there, if I am seeing the world from "me". It is also that almost all motivation is gone. Why do anything? It is all in vain!
So the expectation is that somehow this feeling will disappear miraculously. Instead what I found is that it kind of disappears when shifted, as it is a thought driven or thought-triggered emotion.
[went into direct experience for some time]
Hmm. I sensed another layer. There is a fear of loosing love and connectedness. Hard to explain, but that clinging to the emotion-plus-thought is driven by a fear of being separated, alone, lost. Although I already experienced emotion-withought-thought, it did not overcome this fear yet. So I cling to the connection of thought-triggered-emotion as it is safe ground, no danger to become separated. I can make me feel myself as safe ground. The knowledge that there is really no thing to fear is not integrated, not trusted. And that although I already have the experience that sadness and loss can actually be "positive" in direct experience. They are another facet of the movement going on moment by moment that is so miraculous and astounding.
Yeah rereading that makes sense!
Code: Select all
Raising Hand Exercise
The controller only comes in in with thought.
"Controlling" happens, but without a controller.
The decision can be primed so it is predictable which hand raises. But then the question of course becomes: who does the priming? Again there is no primer found.
It all just happens.
And actually I could relax, but somehow I am still stressed with it.
Thanks so much Sioned for your patience and time!