Thank you for your reply. I am ready to continue!
Yes, I have been doing therapy for the past 35 years! With mixed results. Have done support groups. Have tried meds. Have done lots of spiritual practices. Yes there is still more work to do in regards to emotional regulation. I am still working on it! Sometimes I still get triggered but not as often as before.Have you done any therapy
my question for you is this - do you want Freedom or do you want control? And what is worse: absence of freedom or absence of control?
Absence of freedom is worse than absence of control.
I am still considering the topic of control. Am feeling calmer and more able to focus today.
Little by little I am seeing this lack of control that you are pointing to. I have a lot of resistance! Is resistance the same as control? No. Resistance is an attempt at control. Can I control the resistance? No. Can I control my thoughts? No. Can I control the colors I see? No. Can I control the sounds I am hearing now? No. Can I control the sensations I feel on my body. No. Can I control what I want? No. Can I control the taste of salt? No.
I can attempt to alter my experience in some way but I can't control it. Is the attempt to alter the experience under my control? No.
What I have been calling "control" is actually the attempt to alter my experience. I can not really control anything. I can resist. I can try to alter the experience. But I can't control any of it.
Yes, the reason I have a big reaction to looking at "no control" is that there is a belief in an "I" who is being controlled. I see that. Yet the belief continues. Can I control this belief? No.
Bottom line is that there is a burning desire to be free of the belief in an "I" who needs to be in control!!! The need for control is very strong but the need for freedom is stronger!!!
Thank you Ilona