I have no control over it. But there is a tendency to try to understand this. Or actualize it according to my own idea of how it should be. It can even feel like in this inquiry process there is a subtle agenda that, finding out about the unreality of the self will lead to less suffering. Its like my mind is incredibly stubborn and restless about making that happen.Is there a control over this fear of losing control?
Since, in order to have control over these thoughts and emotions, there has to be a self, who intentionally thinks and chooses these thoughts, and can stop them at any time by will. But is this possible?
There is always this presupposition, it is painful and I cant control it. I feel like want to let go of that resistance. Thinking and trying to act it out is based on that presupposition that I can do something about it. The interesting part is the reasons/story about that resistance changes. Before that was a fear to let go, now there is a desire to let go.
It is difficult because there is this strong contraction along with the emotional intensity. Sure I see it as just thoughts but there is this annoying tension, contraction, image thing.But why would you go mad? And more importantly who would go mad?
If seeing through the self would mean going mad, then you ALREADY MUST BE mad :) since there is already no self and it has never been.
Can you see the falsity of these thoughts?
Yes and there is also an assumption that the result of this inquiry will make 'me' let go.Can you see that all of these fears are based on the assumption/idea that there is a self/me, who currently has control, but it can lose it as the result of this inquiry?
YesCan you see that this assumption stands on a false idea of there being a self in the first place?
There is an intense desire to "stand apart" observe, see, notice and confirm. That feels like control resistance.
There is a view that there is a ‘me’ experience that is making experience be this way, this uncomfortable, contracted. There is a view that this me-thought, this thought of owning experience is producing my personal will.
There is this I-thought, I I I I I, thinking again and again stuck with my attention.
After more investigations. Looking right now. There is a sort of pull-back from experiences from sensations into thought. I would get bugged by it. I noticed I would recoil from my thinking tendencies also and did not understand why that recoil would not leave and would prevent me from seeing. Right now I am clearly seeing how this recoil is making a sense of time. Basically sensations -> thought, that thought will then pretend to have experienced the previous sensation then try to link it to the next frame of experience. It pretends to be something stable "in the present", also getting lost in its own reflections and stories.
That particular identification happens like this (past sensation) => recoil into thought (I-thought, ownership thought, sense of center) => more thoughts => belief to have noticed things in the past and will notice in the future.
I cannot really choose (or not choose) to have beliefs, positions or conclusions. In fact I cannot choose to notice or not notice. I also cannot choose to cling to that center or not.
I was trying to fix my tendencies but maybe this whole investigation is not about fixing anything.
I am missing, it feels more like dreaming identification until the next moment it is seen that it wasn't true. I am seeing that my attention is trying to reference different pieces of experiences with each other after the recoil into thought. But the process is happening on its own but not in the way I expected. This is not particularly blissful, the seeing of it is quick, its almost like a reflex.So not the control is missing from the picture, but YOU!
Can you see this?
I will be absolutely honesty about this I need to resolve if I am whatever is observing that quick movement of identification/attention.