The Pendulum

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Fri Dec 06, 2019 4:52 pm

Ok, it's all a fabrication. All of it. Time, identity. Ok.

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Sun Dec 08, 2019 8:36 pm

Alright, ok. I've been back to cannabis for some time, and I've become extraordinarily mentally ill without even knowing how sick I've been. And so, I have no choice to accept that I have schizofrenia, I suffer from symptoms of psychosis, and the very thing that made me so ill in the first place, was the cannabis. And it's the very thing that is continually causing me immense suffering in life, it's actively making me more and more ill, it's destroying my economy which in turn makes me physically ill because I don't have money for real food. I'm physically, physiologically and psychologically in ruin. And it's clear to me now, I have no power over this illness. God has given me a second chance, everything, I died, many many years ago and I didn't even know it. My own being was in hell all this time I wasn't even aware it. Thanks to my loving friends, and having no choice but to allow and accept the bitter solitude in my life. I don't know how it happened, and in honesty, I can't actually say any other than, I've been spared. I've been given one more chance at life, and it's absolutely clear to me. This is my last chance. It's not about seeking happiness anymore, and truth is perhaps that which I value most. But now, it's actually life or death. Either I continue smoking cannabis, and I just know, full blown psychosis and psychiatry, is right around the corner. And that means complete and total, absolute hell for the rest of my life. That's just how it is with psychosis, if you get trapped, that's it. All is lost. The mind is no longer is in the domain of earth, it's in the domain of hell. It's literally impossible to escape the torture and torment, there's nothing you can do. If you get out once, you're extremely lucky, even though you're severely wounded because of it. No one gets out unscathed. The second time it happens, scientific research knows, it's actually close to impossible to get out of. In all likelihood they simply cannot be saved. It's living hell for the rest of your life, and god only knows what happens when we die. And it's either that, living hell for the rest of eternity, or living a relatively healthy and content human life. That's it.

And so, hell is behind me, and I'm deeply wounded, but I can't go back in order to save the others. I have simply no choice but to have faith. I think it's important for me to not forget my love for the ones that are still trapped in hell, but I can't actually go back just I desperately want to help them, I'm only going to destroy myself, it amounts to nothing but self sacrifice. I'm at a crossroads, and I actually just have to just keep walking. One tiny little step at a time. I have to just save myself from myself. To put it that way. God can't save me, neither can Jesus, nor the Buddha, no one. I'm the only person that can actually take the steps necessary in order to, well, just do what I have to do. Whatever it is. Anything that is a positive thing in my life that does no harm to myself or others, is always a good thing. One tiny little thing, a tiny little bit here and there and there and there, and that's it, I just have to make small changes over a long period of time without biting off more than I can chew. Anything. I have to take all the help I can get. Narcotics Anonymous. Healthy food that is actually a pleasure to make and experiment with, and that actually tastes and feels better than, well, I eat nothing but a single frozen pizza each day. And so there I can make a tiny little change. Drinking a small glass of lemon juice each day, so on and so forth. One step at a time. Replacing old harmful behaviors with other more wholesome behaviors I enjoy more than simply sitting around smoking hash all day, sometimes meditating, but mostly insane. Slowly but surely. I reduced my intake of cannabis, and that allowed me enough sanity to get the help I needed from my friends in order to recover. And that in turn showed me how catastrophically ill I actually am, and so I know, this is the end. I have say goodbye to this love affair, without hate or negativity, and, if I end up relapsing. I am actually almost 100% certain, all will be lost. There will be no saving me. This is the only chance I am ever going to get in my life, and it's up to me to make the right decisions now. God has granted me a second chance at life, and, there just aren't words. I can't even say anything. I can't believe this has happened, it's just completely unreal. I just cannot live in ignorance anymore, I will destroy myself, and never again will I truly be able to be sane. I have to simply say my goodbyes to this love affair, and now I need to learn how to live. It's time to grow up. I'm no longer a boy, I've grown to become a man, and now it's my turn. I need to help myself so I am able to help the rest of my family, because they too are under such immense suffering themselves. My siblings are working themselves to death, my parents are growing old, weak and sick, my family members are dying, my whole family is in turmoil and we don't even know it, we don't even know our own suffering. And so I can only help myself, and that in itself is helping my family, no longer being a burden to them, in the very least. Never did I truly realize this has absolutely everything to do with life. Not the same, but not separate. But now, I just have to walk. What else could I possibly say. It feels unfair, for a scoundrel like me to be have such a blessed life. I just can't believe how astronomically lucky it has been, for this person to have been given a second chance at life. To have gotten my life back which was trapped within the domain of hell, which I wasn't even aware of. To have recovered, to be whole again as a human being. It's just too profound, there just aren't any words. Not even remotely possible. And so I just have to walk. I just have to walk. Enough is enough. It's sink or swim.

And so, I simply just had to come here to fully allow myself to be totally honest with myself. I've been hiding my true face for god only knows how long. The truth has slipped out here and there, and is actually obviously clear to others that I am actually very much mentally ill. But never have I actually allowed myself to truly be seen. I haven't been honest with myself. I've been hiding under the guise of enlightenment, simply clinging to no self. Completely bypassing and ignoring the fact that I am actually not even remotely as close to enlightened as I thought I was. Enlightenment is enlightened, but, there's still an ape brain here, and when it begins to think that what it is saying are in fact the words of god themselves, he is not sane. Inspired by god sounds lovely, but it simply does not go further than that. Nothing but the ego disguising itself as god. As the divine. And so it exists but it is very clear and certain that it does not exist, all is god, and so the brain has assumed a position of authority because it is under the assumption the person is itself enlightenment in some way or another, and that's just not the case. And so it's nothing but a continuous denial of the truth of my own being.

Yesterday I met another person who is going through very much the same thing as me, and I was extraordinarily lucky to have seen myself in him. Exactly the same thing. It was like seeing myself in a mirror. He had clearly come in touch with the unmanifested divine, but simultaneously, through knowing myself, I saw he was completely psychotic practically. But he was absolutely certain, he does not exist, he is god, that he is in fact a guru, and at some point, he actually said; you guys don't accept that I'm a guru, you don't know what I know. He literally said something akin to, I have become truly enlightened, I am living in a different plane of consciousness than you and you know nothing about it whatsoever, you're completely and totally ignorant. And that's just too bad for you guys, you guys just don't get it, I'm distinctly different and separate from you. He called himself a wise man and a guru. I mean we just couldn't do anything other than just laugh at some point but it was just so ludicrously insane. We were barely able to to get a word in edgewise, and nothing anyone else said held any value whatsoever, he just sat and talked about infinity infinitely, denying his own humanity. Completely oblivious, he was so clear and certain that he did not exist. I understand where he is coming from but he was clearly not sane. And so I saw myself from the outside. It was truly an extraordinarily lucky encounter. If I had not seen that, I would not be standing on two feet right now in most likelyhood. Not that there was anything in my life that hasn't led to this. In the end, by the time he just about to leave, I was just so pissed of I just had to say, dude, be careful not to get stuck in heaven, and don't go around thinking you're the best guru in the world. He just said. I don't believe there is such a thing as a guru. Completely contradicting his own experience and what he directly said to us, that he is in fact a guru, it was the first thing he was clear about, that he was the authority here. One of the first things out of his mouth. And I am so pissed off, but, I think reason for that is maybe because I'm actually just pissed of with myself. To think I was in fact, very, very close to that. I'm really lucky to have so much suffering in my life, because it's impossible to go around identifying with a supremely enlightened Buddha whilst lying my head in my friends lap, completely and totally so disturbed and so afraid, whilst she's sitting there stroking my hair. For a brief moment in time, I was allowed to completely be honest, and to be completely vulnerable, simply human. I told them something has happened and I can't actually convey to them what has been realized, which came with profound disturbance, all of a sudden, it was if it had actually become real, and that scared the living shit out of me, all of a sudden I found myself in a human body, I could no longer hang out in the unmanifested, and I completely broke down, totally devastated. I'm just so lucky I just get to feel completely pathetic and absolutely just allowing myself to be human. If it wasn't for the love of my friends, who I have deemed unenlightened for god only knows how long. Who in fact seem to actually be far more enlightened than myself, as I have begun to see in everyone. I would not be sane right now. That completely ordinary people who have nothing to with enlightenment or spirituality, can have such profound wisdom and clarity, conveyed in a simple and modest manner, and that has truly affected my life in profound ways. Something I previously dismissed as unenlightened and foolishness, not realizing the fool was me. I am just so truly ashamed. And honestly, I know it's not helpful to walk around with feelings of shame forever and thus drown in it, but sometimes I simply have to respect suffering, and not try to avoid it and say it's nothing but fabrication. Simply allowing. Allowing my humanity to take place. And that makes it much harder to unconsciously identify as a Buddha, knowing I am in so much pain, and that I am so utterly in ruin. Suffering has saved my life. It has been nothing but grace. And I can only hope I am able to make better choices from now on, I can't do anything other than just take one step at a time, I literally just am unable to do anything else at this point. I can't do it anymore. I just cannot do it anymore. I've completely exhausted myself, everything. I don't even know if I have a will anymore. That which I called my will wasn't even my own, but still, there is desire and aversion, there are things I like and don't like, but hopefully there is still love, there is will, and I have done nothing but the deny and reject the existence of what was happening. Denying my own experience. Denying my own humanity. And, I can't do it anymore, I can't just hang out in the unmanifested forever while the mind and body is destroying itself and the world around it unconsciously. What is a man who has stumbled upon the sacred truth of existence, but has lost his head and keeps putting his heart in the refrigerator. It simply isn't sane.

I guess this is actually a confession. Yea, I simply am not sane, and I have been pretending to be enlightened without being aware nor able to stop myself from doing so, and so I avoid my suffering, and I move towards any thought or experience whatsoever, that feels pleasant and preferably apparently enlightened, which the mind then identifies with. I'm under the influence of psychotic and schizophrenic illness which makes a man completely mad without him knowing so. I have inner demons, I desire, I run away and escape, there is will, all of which I simply can't escape from nor conveniently get rid of. My life is not my own. Not truly. This is not true liberation. Not even remotely close. And I understand, this is going to take a good long time. I don't get to just conveniently press the eject button and rocket myself into blissful heaven. It's no longer about transcendence, it's learning how to live. Just as plain and simple as that. Chop wood, carry water. And you know, I could not be more happy. To think I get to simply enjoy something a simple as breathing, walking, eating, sleeping. I mean, I don't have words. I just don't have any words left. And so I'm just going to have to allow myself to cry, as much as I need. And then I have to keep walking. Other than that, I don't actually know. I just don't know anymore.

I'm just going to have to end it there. Enough is enough

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Ilona
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Ilona » Mon Dec 09, 2019 7:54 am

Hi Andreas.
Looks that forum ate my previous reply..
firstly thank you for sharing. It’s a lot going on for you. Continue writing.
About being back to smoking... I can’t tell you to stop or continue, you see yourself if it is helping or not. And if it is not helping, then what are you doing? What are you running from?
You know, even if you go to India, you will still go with yourself. Location is irrelevant. The work that needs to be done is inner. Changing environment may help, but it’s not a must. Freedom is not found in India or anywhere else.

Start looking at what life is presenting you with utter respect.
Honour your feelings that are wanting to be felt fully- that is freedom. Feeling what you feel without making it wrong.

Forget about all the Buddhas and enlightenment, it’s a dream of happy tomorrow. Can you be happy today?
Right here right now, what is in the way of everything being ok?

Put your attention on presence, here now, that may open the view of what is.
Keep writing.

Much love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Mon Dec 16, 2019 1:23 am

Damn, looks like the forum ate my previous reply as well. That's a bummer, I really liked that last message I sent. But oh well. Long story short. I threw away all my paraphernalia. Bong, pipe, papers, ash tray, wine glasses, etc... Anything even remotely associated with drugs or alcohol simply had to go. Last Sunday, for the first time in my life, I threw away what I had left of my hash. So today is day 7 off the drugs.

In my last message, I wrote of how wonderful life is without the drugs, and that I've never had it so good in my life. And while that has been true, there has been a flip side. Things have also been extraordinarily challenging at times. Mild psychotic symptoms including mania, and schizophrenia, is extremely difficult to work with. It seems, speaking from the experience of this last week, that I've seemed to come back to the earth. I'm standing on two feet, there is experience, impermanent, no-self, or not, seems to be rather irrelevant. Not completely, but coming from my current experience, spirituality, meditation, contemplation, truth, so on and so forth, doesn't seem to be playing such a large part in my life at this point in time anymore. And I think I may have come back around again. I'm back to where I started. And so let me explain.

I was interested in spirituality for many years before my total psychosis, but I was already mildly psychotic before that, and was not aware of it. And so, I told you about the time when I was living in total psychosis, I asked myself the question; "What is real?" It's only begun to dawn on me, that I had completely rejected everything besides "Truth". With a capital T. It was simply irrelevant. Not only irrelevant, but I found it to be cumbersome, problematic, it was nothing but foolishness, and was useless when it came to what was truly real. I truly believed, for all these years, that the only way out of a psychosis and schizophrenic reality, was to become enlightened. And I was wrong. In the end, I would say, I may have done nothing more than spiritual bypassing for close to 5 or maybe 6 years. And so, as a result, I became even more ill over time. Ignoring 'material' reality. Right now, that is a very useful concept. Right now my feet need to planted in the earth. Empty, not empty, one, not one, right now, spirituality actually seems rather irrelevant. Because the main reason I became so heavily engaged with spiritual teachings, was because I wanted out. I wanted to live. I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to live a good life. And I truly believed, the only answer to this predicament of being in psychosis and the suffering that came of paranoid schizophrenia, depression and all the rest, was enlightenment. And so for 5-6 years, on and off, I was desperately seeking.

Last Saturday, I had a horrific schizophrenic experience. And that was that. I simply could not go on living in ignorance anymore. I was forced to come back to material reality, and deal with these issues in my life. Chronic drug addiction, alcoholism, schizophrenia especially, psychotic symptoms, possibly depression and my extreme anxiety as well, etc... That was it, I just didn't have a choice in the matter anymore, it was either go back to psychiatric hell for god only knows how long, or I get off my ass and start taking care of this brain and body. No more spiritual bypassing, no more no-selfness, no more hanging around in the unmanifested. The situation was critical. More critical than I could possibly even convey. I would go so far as to say it was a matter of life and death. And I was, in fact, and I'm not even joking, more fearful than I have ever been in my life. Absolutely terrified. I have never felt so afraid for my life. It was as if I was actually fearing death itself, but not the spiritual or material kind of death, the schizophrenic/psychotic kind of death. I was literally terrified of ending up back in the very same hell I came from. And in truth, I've come full circle. I'm back where I started, except now, I seem to have matured a little, and I seem to no longer be as dumb and stupid as I was 5-6 years ago. Luckily, I am not deep into psychotic reality at this point in time. But, schizophrenia and psychotic illusion/delusion, are still very much an active part of my brain, to some degree. And so now, I can no longer believe that enlightenment is the answer. In all honesty, it may actually have made everything much much worse.

Thankfully, here in Norway, we have a really great healthcare system. Thanks to my previous psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors and so on, I have gotten anti-psychotic medication that is, well, more helpful than I can actually accurately convey. I would be a complete and utter disaster if it was not for these meds I've been given. And so, I have to grimly, or maybe not so grimly, accept, that at this point in time, and possibly even for the rest of my life, I may need to go on this medication. Something I was completely and totally against, because spiritual people don't need such things. It only makes things worse, spiritually. But I do have schizophrenia, and I've been a drug addict most of my life. And so now, I actually see that spiritual truth is not the only truth on this here planet. I can't just ignore scientific validity anymore, because it has in fact been not much other than scientific truth and research into mental illness, that has saved me. Not awakening. Not spirituality. It may have been helpful, but I have been ignoring very intelligent men and women, who have trying to convey to me, the fact of the matter. And I simply refused to listen. I can't simply ignore this material plane. As if it is nothing but a dream. Which has indeed been wonderful, seeing the impermanence of it all, no-self, waking up out of self, into oneness, waking up out of oneness, all the rest. Realization of god, the unmanifested, all the gooblygook. And not that it hasn't been a profound journey, the point is, it simply proved not to be the answer I was looking for. Which was maybe not so much, what is real? But how the hell do I get my life back. Asking the question what is real, was perhaps nothing other than a way for me to direct my attention into spiritual and religious matters, which I assumed would make me healthy, and that would help me live a good life. I wanted to be free.

But said simply, this is not even close to sufficient to deal with something you may consider something akin to brain cancer, even brain damage, this is very very close to that. I think a holistic approach to health is of great merit, but spirituality is not enough. Coming from my direct experience, I can say with confidence that the cure to severe mental illness and emotional distress and trauma, is not simply meditating and living with spiritual questions, nor awakening. Though I do firmly believe, that such things can be useful on the journey through recovery, they can be, but they are not sufficient in and of themselves. Though on the flip side, spirituality in this case may in fact have done nothing but make things worse, and it seems to have caused me to simply cast aside scientific consensus reality, as nothing but rubbish. To my own detriment.

And so, I may as well come back to the present. I am on medication, which is literally a life saver. I have begun eating more healthy food, I've become very concerned with my physical health, which in turn is helping my mental health. I've been trying to drink enough water each day, go for at least a good 20-30 minute walk each day, and keeping myself active and engaged with life in a positive way in one way or another. Simply trying to create some better karma slowly but surely, whilst hopefully becoming aware of the bad karma I do and may be causing unwittingly, so that I can change my behaviors. But I'm in a learning process. My sponsor at Narcotics Anonymous told me of a place in Oslo, Norway, that teaches yoga to previous drug addicts for free. Something I simply have to do for my own betterment, health-wise. And so I'm going to Narcotics Anonymous, I would like to begin this yoga training, I'm off the drugs, I'm on medication, and my feet are back on planet earth. I realize, one doesn't have to reject everything that doesn't have anything to do with spirituality or "Truth", with a capital T. Spirituality, science and normal human life can walk hand in hand. Religion makes me feel a bit nutty, though I love prayer, silent or not. I am aware of what people refer to as god, brahman. The unmanifested. I'm not consciously aware of this in my living reality, only briefly does emptiness or oneness seem to pop up. But having seen what I've seen now, having done nothing but meditate for close to 2 months and having to come to see the truths that both the Buddha and Jesus spoke of with my own eyes, I now know that reality simply is not as simple as one would like to think, even though, it is actually truly simple. Simpler than simple. Realization in and of itself, is not enough. And so I've come full circle. And I realize now, I just wanted to be well. Honestly, I think that's what I've really wanted all these years. I just wanted to be well again. And so now, it feels as if a completely new chapter in my life has opened up. One where I no longer try to simply embrace my divinity, but also fully embrace my humanity. To accept and allow my humanity, and no longer reject it as nothing but illusory and unimportant. I need to be here now. Standing on two feet, planted in this earth.

And so, having come to the realization that spiritual awakening is not going to save me from myself, and that it has in fact, made things worse in the end, it actually feels and seems completely irrelevant. I simply just feel that it's not much more than a faded dream. A dream of a better tomorrow, as you so eloquently conveyed. It seems to have not been much more than spiritual bypassing, profound, revelatory, or not. I was ignoring my very life, at the expense of seeking truth and happiness. Perhaps truth was nothing more than a means to happiness. And so I think I've seen enough. Maybe too much. But thanks to everything that has occurred, exactly the way it has, I have managed to get back up on my own two feet again. And so now I feel like I actually have a chance at recovering. Life is never going to be perfect, nor free from pain or suffering, but that's just how it is. Supreme enlightenment where there is no suffering but only the sacred, seems to be a very sly illusory movement of the mind. One where things are never actually ok as they are, unless it is pleasant and seems sacred. But there are good days, bad days. Rain and shine. Thinking back on it now, I was a fool to believe that I would be able to simply, disappear. I understand what Jesus said about being in the world but not of it, I've experienced it, but that's not my conscious living reality at this point in time. Things are sometimes truly wonderful, but there are also times where things are truly challenging, and also quite disturbing and also scary. I think I may be starting to come into the acceptance and acknowledgement, that life will not be perfect, it's just not possible. And to dream of a perfect Buddha reality, is nothing but a dream. Buddha had his bad days just like everyone else, same with Jesus. I don't believe a truly enlightened individual simply gets to bliss out for the rest of their lives and live perfect lives for everyone else to try and attain to. I was silly to assume such things. In fact, I have been under the influence of grandiose delusions. A typical symptom of schizophrenia.

And so right now, I'm really actually mostly concerned with my health and well-being. That's what this has been about this entire time. I just wanted to be well. I have had a love affair with this "Truth" with a capital T, and now, I don't wish to simply reject it, and deny all that has happened, but it's time for me to live my life. There are things to do, places to be. Chop wood, carry water. There's a life to be lived, enjoyed, worked with and through, good times and bad. There's a whole universe out there just waiting to be explored, I have no desire to simply blow it all off and live with my head in the clouds for the rest of my life anymore. I'm done with being high. There's no merit in it anymore. There's no reason to seek anymore. There's nothing to do, nowhere to go. I mean I'm completely contradicting myself, but, I have a feeling you may understand where I'm coming from. There's nothing left to do it seems, other than, chop wood, and carry water. But, it brings a little smile to my face, I don't know what it was all about, I never ended up anywhere, this has always been it. It's funny how I seemed to have missed life passing me by. And it still does. But I'm happy. Honestly, in the depth on my being, I'm truly happy. It makes me wonder when the last time I was so truly grateful to be alive. I wonder what happened with that old Andreas, the person we call Andreas doesn't seem to be the same person anymore. There is still desire, aversion, resistance, rejection, will and all the rest. I couldn't get rid of it! I think you understand what I mean by this. It's really rather funny, but at the same time, it's sobering, and it's a bit saddening. But for some reason, I feel like I can stand with dignity. Of course not always, that's ridiculous, and boring as hell, because who doesn't love to laugh at themselves, who doesn't love to simply be allowed to be a normal, ordinary human being with flaws and all the rest. Not necessarily satisfactory, but to come to a deeper acceptance of things as they are. Not quite sure how to put it.

And so it's as if, it's all behind me right now? The seeking, the desperation. I mean some of it is interesting, but it just seems rather irrelevant. Of course who doesn't enjoy experiencing boundless unconditional love, or pure, unborn consciousness, or Nirvana or God or what have you. It's wonderful. But that's not what life is ultimately about. Not solely. Life is about living. Taking the step I am taking now. The breath I'm breathing now. When hungry, eat, when tired, sleep. I feel like such a ridiculous person, to not have seen something so simple. Running around without a head, continuously putting my heart in the refrigerator not knowing I put it there, wondering why I feel no love. What a crazy tale it all was. And now it's like it was nothing but a dream. A long, long dream. It's strange how I ended up in exactly the same place I started. Not a single step anywhere else but truth, but gone unnoticed.

And so it seems and feels like there is almost a sort of, finality? Yet, not even close. This is simply another beginning? I don't know actually, and it doesn't actually seem to matter. I don't really care. I just wanna chop some wood and carry some water man. Without stressing myself to death in the very least. I want to get back into meditation but my mind and body aren't truly prepared for it right now, and so it's time to learn some yoga. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to help other people on their path to well-being at some point in time. If not, I guess it simply wasn't meant to be. I just want to take things as they come. One step at a time. One day at a time. I'm just, well, so fucking fed up with this, like, I'm done. I kinda feel like, I don't know. Maybe I just feel like I don't have to seek anything anymore. I'm not sure to be honest. Almost like I came home from a very, very long journey. And it's good to be home. Fuck enlightenment. As if I was ever a fucking light bulb. Such a ridiculous notion which I didn't even know the definition of. What a ridiculous journey.

I can only wonder what comes next, but that seems to be missing the point. It's 01:00 in the morning, and I'm sleepy as hell, so I'm just gonna go to bed I think. But what a grandiose statement that seems to be. What a ridiculous person.

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Mon Dec 16, 2019 9:50 pm

Ok, so I don't get to conveniently just drop out it seems. I did not expect this... What the hell am I even supposed to say? I'm being followed? "It" is following me? Emptiness? God? Fuck. Nothing makes sense anymore... Alright. Fuck. I mean not fuck, but still, just. What... Fuck.

Actually. Thank you, I have no complaints whatsoever.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Mon Dec 16, 2019 10:04 pm

But that's not right. There is no me that is being followed... I mean I know that, but it's like all those things within me that doesn't know that still seems to be going on strong. I did not see this one coming.

And so now what... I mean I know the answer but still. Just. What? What???

I feel like screaming... Christ consciousness what did I get myself into. I mean love but, just... What? I don't understand what's going on anymore... Though, funnily enough, that doesn't actually seem to be a problem. Weird.

This is weird. It was super cool an hour ago and now things just feel. Strange. Very mysterious... I seriously have no idea what is going on anymore... Like I'm totally fine, but just... Whaaaaaaat?

I guess I might as well just practice some mindfulness or something. Thank god for the breath. And feet. I want to thank god for all the other things too but right now those two seem to be the most important things. No, the senses as well. Ok I think I have to stop because I feel like my head is spinning... Starting to spin? Just, fuck. Never mind. It's really difficult to speak the truth. God what am I even doing here. I want to run away... And now I feel like I've done nothing but confuse myself. Just. Ok. Ok. Ok, breath. Breath is good.

Fuck.

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Mon Dec 16, 2019 10:05 pm

Fuck!

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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Mon Dec 16, 2019 10:06 pm

I'm sorry, sorry for cursing so much

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Ilona
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Ilona » Tue Dec 17, 2019 8:40 am

Dear Andreas. I’m super happy to hear that you have found strength to end with addictions! This might be the most important step you ever took. Thank you!

It’s great to read that you found help and I wish you all the strength and courage to continue with cleaning up. And great news about yoga classes. :)

Is there anything I can do to assist?

Much love
Truth realized will set you free.
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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Wed Dec 18, 2019 9:19 pm

Thank you Ilona, that speaks straight to my heart.

You know, I just have to say, I love you so much Ilona. Not exactly sure how to convey that accurately or correctly, but I'm pretty sure that's true. I've gotten a lot of help along the way. Cleaning up won't be a simple task, but you're right, it seems there has been a new found strength within me that has truly helped me these last few weeks. And you're right, I do indeed sense I will need courage along the way. Thank you for pointing that out to me.

I can only wonder what I might need help with. At this point in time I'm not sure to honest. I went to my spiritual healer today and it was quite profound. I feel this next leg of the journey is more about doing, being. Not so much thinking, analyzing, conceptualizing and so on. I figured whenever one thinks of oneself it seems to me it's nothing other than mind thinking about mind. Strangely enough. Though I do also sense that there needs to be a balance. Between mind, intelligence, heart, love, intuition, sensing. I wonder if that is the starting point. Balance. Or rather, another way to live. I guess everyone has a different path in life, and yoga seems to be what's calling out to me at this point in time. I always thought yoga was for nutty chicks but it seems it is quite the opposite in India. It's good to be in touch with ones own feminine side.

Honestly, in truth, it's actually just quite helpful simply to be allowed to communicate with others regarding this journey. I'm mostly on my own, I don't have a teacher that I can physically communicate with, and that seems to be a bit of a challenge, but it seems it's also absolutely necessary to be alone with it, and to not to be given all the answers. To have to learn through living, not to live from learning necessarily all the time. Maybe sometimes, probably a lot if I were in a job right now and had to apply myself. But now I feel like I'm just making a mess of things by writing things. Nonsense. And there goes the original patterns that seem to have driven me quite a long way. Mind thinking about mind. Self consciousness? Not self awareness, self consciousness. Ah, my head is spinning. I'm just gonna let go of that.

There's a part of me that wants to stay here, but I realize there has to come a time when the chick must jump out of the nest. I'm not sure what more could be said. Though honestly, it seems your words have a deep impact on me, and it has truly been helpful, to say the very least. Often what you say seems to speak to the depth of my being. Each and every word seems to hold significance. I think I'm just going to have to take things one step at a time. One day at a time. Trying to jump the whole staircase at once always seems to lead to accidents. If not always, at least most of the time.

There's something on my heart though. There still seems to be ill will within me. Anger, possibly hatred. I find myself being very angry with the un-enlightenment of others, not noticing my own ignorance. And so I've been living with something the Dalai Lama once said in an interview. He was asked if he hated the Chinese, and his response was, "And give them my mind?! Are you crazy!?"

He told a story of his fellow Monk who was imprisoned in the Chinese Gulags. After his friend had returned, they spoke, and his friend said, he was sometimes in danger while imprisoned. The Dalai Lama thought, danger? Maybe violence or something akin to physical danger, he wasn't sure. But the Monk said something akin to, the greatest danger was that of losing my compassion for the Chinese. To me that is one hell of a heroic tale.

And so I'm turning to old Christian teachings I find. Love thy neighbor. Forgive them for they know not what they do. It's difficult, and I lose my mind sometimes, but I have faith in the process. In other words, I don't know what is going to happen, I don't know what is, I don't actually even know what faith is. It seems to me to be more akin to not knowing, letting go, and having trust in, well, God actually. The light as I like to think of it. But I'm also aware this is not the only way to see things. There are so many ancient traditions, and I want to get to know the truth of life for myself, and see things with my own eyes. I really, really want to know the truth. Honestly, I think I'm in love with it. Whatever that may be.

And so, I realize I have a wrathful side. There's a part of me that is quite wrathful, and I find myself imagining how or what I would say something to a person I'm upset with. But all of that is just in my head, which is crazy! Though I do find that I become easily agitated or annoyed with people sometimes, even my most loved ones, who have done nothing but help and support me. I find that I become upset when I don't get to say what I want to say. There's something in me that wants to sit on stage one day, speaking to an audience. My mind finds it entertaining, but seeing how extraordinarily challenging life is at times, as you saw with me when I was suicidally depressed, I realize it is not simply a matter of fun and games. It's real business, not necessarily financial business. Real actual living people, from all over the world, with all sorts of backgrounds and challenges, and to think I am wise or strong enough to take on such a massive responsibility, seeing this seems to be what happens when people come across a teacher, they abdicate their authority, as I did. To think I am in fact wise or strong enough to do such a thing, doesn't actually seem even remotely possible, and sitting here writing this, I know I don't actually want that. It's just my mind that finds it entertaining to dream of.

I think there is something in me that wants to be approved of. Liked. Needed maybe? The whole idea of it seems self gratifying, and that's bad business. The idea of teaching that is. And so there's another part of me that says, it's wise not to go there, nor to entertain the idea, because that's not something I am A) Ready for, and B) is not wise for someone like me to do. I love teaching people, honestly I do. And those who listen to me seem to enjoy communicating with me on these matters. But I fear it goes to my head all to often, I lose my mindfulness, and I may not even be aware of it. And so that's rather frightening. I'm honestly not sure what to do about the matter.

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Wed Dec 18, 2019 9:41 pm

Ok, so right after I wrote this, I imagined myself in an interview with Joe Rogan. I spent almost 15 minutes imagining what I would say if I were in an interview about enlightenment and the nature of reality. And some of it seems to sound true and nice and cool and wise, seems to, but it's nothing but a daydream, and that is pretty scary. I wonder if that is tied up with not feeling like I get to say what I want to say to people. I get hung up on my own conceptual truths. I wonder if that is simply an ego that believes it is enlightened. And I think it is, because oneness and truth is not a direct experience in my life most of the time. Damn, it's pretty scary. Because it has this tendency to become negative and hostile and defensive. And it seems to value only what it itself thinks and says, and it seems to want to be liked and agreed with. But that's not reality. Things don't happen like that. Communication has it's own flow and movement, and the ego is not in control of that flow. And when it tries to be in control of it, it either becomes negative, hostile, defensive, or it simply takes over the entire conversation, and becomes full of itself. I really don't know what to do about this matter. It's an old habit that began many many years ago. The enlightened ego complex.

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Wed Dec 18, 2019 9:59 pm

I notice I do the same thing when I play music. I imagine there is an audience listening... I'm not fully present.

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Ilona
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Ilona » Thu Dec 19, 2019 12:28 pm

Wonderful to hear from you. Please keep sharing your process here with all victories, failures and challenges. I agree, that it’s great to have someone to talk to who understands and supports. I want you to know, that I’m reading all you write and even though I don’t write as much as you, I’m here with you.

Most important, follow your heart, follow what feels right and joyful. Share your support with others that are in the similar situation and it will come back to you. Find someone locally you can help, in that way you will be helping both. It works.

Love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Mon Jan 06, 2020 9:21 am

Hey Ilona, long time. So I tried to help this girl I know, she's quite psychotic apparently, and after speaking with her I ended up just having to block her on both my phone and facebook. Long story short, seeing we've both been through similar experiences, I decided to invite her over for a cup of coffee and a chat. She was going around calling herself an empath, she was writing intense things on facebook, and she had recently become heavily interested in Buddhism, and she asked for my help specifically, so I kinda just naturally wanted to help her out. And so I gave her some books by Adya, but she was so manic it was impossible to speak with her. She was totally crazy. Deeply psychotic. Luckily she's in psychiatry but she's refusing to accept the professional help that's given to her. She thinks she was healed by LSD and many other crazy things.

In any case, I found that the second someone came to me asking about spirituality specifically, I unconsciously and unwittingly took on a guru role. I noticed it rather quickly, but it was very not fun whatsoever, and I did not feel like I could do a single thing. It was rather hopeless and the whole role playing guru thing went straight to me head, and so, I've decided, I will never become a guru or teacher or anything like that. That's not for me.

I've noticed though throughout the years, that people have always told me I seem like a very self reflected and intelligent individual. Maybe not so much here on this forum, but sometimes people kinda just tell me they're somewhat amazed by my capacity to look within myself, which I mean, isn't exactly anything special, it kinda just happened because I suffered so much. I kinda like that about myself, i think that's a positive personality trait to have, which makes me glad. But when I'm not playing the guru role, and I'm just being myself, sometimes, seemingly profound things seem to come out of my mouth, and it seems to hit people, and they enjoy hearing me speak of these sort of things, that is if they're relatively into that kind of thing and they are open minded and/or receptive. But eventually I kinda start to freak out because all of a sudden I'm like this "Buddha" character.
Though I just remembered. There is only one Buddha. Everything and everyone is the Buddha. And so that is nice. No singularity gets to be the Buddha. I figured the reason he was called that was because he sort just represented the highest truths. Reality maybe. And so Buddha was not a person. It was just a title. It's kinda just like saying "truth", or "reality." Possibly. At least that's the best way I can describe it using my current vocabulary. "i alone am the honored one." As Buddha apparently said once he realized enlightenment. And so i think I might understand now why people who are actually enlightened don't like to say so, but that's not quite right. "I'm enlightened." "I am a Buddha." it's just not right, there is only one. Not necessarily one Buddha, I mean, there is only one. Oneness. I don't actually know how to say it to be honest. But yea enough about that.

Anyways, whenever I go into spiritual matters, I end up in this sort of teaching mode, kinda naturally, and it turns out quite well most of the time. This usually only happens around my friends. But then I become self conscious and I freak out and break down, so it's good I'm around my good friends when this happens, because I can be honest and tell them what's happening and they are really understanding and kind about it, but I don't wanna do this. I mean I love the truth, but this whole teaching thing, is really not my cup of tea. Like, I would like to help people who are interested, but I really don't want to be any kind of special teacher or guru or what not. It sucks man. I think the drugs made me think I'm something special or some shit, and it totally distorted everything.

Now that I'm off the drugs, also alcohol. day 28 now, woo! Things have seemingly gone back to normal, which is wonderful, and sometimes these profound truths of no self, or oneness, kinda just hit me out of no where, and boom, I'm back to spirituality for a brief moment. Wait no, it's actually been quite an active part of my life on and off, but it's been mixed up with god, Christianity, (Which is fine, great teachings at times), Buddhism, and Zen. But the differences between Christianity and Buddhism have kind of been tearing me in two directions, and so now I'm sort of moving towards Zen and Taoism because they don't seem to deny nor reject, nor worship ancient stuff. They seem neutral. They seem to have mastered the art of living, and they are crazy and really cool. I like them. They don't reject the idea of god, nor do they worship it, and that's exactly how I want to learn to live. Neither yes nor no. That doesn't actually convey anything correctly, but that's sort of my impression of zen. One doesn't seem to really be able to convey it other than life itself.

And so, my theory is, is god simply a personification of that which is referred to as the unmanifested? I've always wondered about the truth of this, "unmanifested." Is this a Zen term? I would really like to know.

Though in any case, I don't believe for a second god is this separate entity. That separation only lies in the mind of a human being, and so, this god term is rather fiddly. It's a bit cumbersome, the unmanifested is much better to me because there is nothing personal about it. It's not a person, nor is it seperate thing, object, entity or anything like that. It's just one, though that doesn't actually really say anything either really.
Yet, I do also like prayer. Silent prayer especially. I like that the most. If I need to get something off my back praying to god seems to be helpful. It can really be a stress reliever. Partly because I have no idea if prayer actually does anything or not, but it seems to have a positive psychological effect, and if used in moderation and is used appropriately, it seems somewhat healthy actually.

So there seems to be this process of balance. Learning balance. I don't know how else to put it. It's strange though, because if one sees all that is, is consciousness, or perhaps also, all things are love, it's difficult not to move towards this Christian or Indian mystic interpretation of things. Luckily Adya has put things into words in a nice way in his book "Emptiness Dancing." Which I should probably read once again, because it doesn't actually tell you anything, rather it questions you, and sort of questions your answers. As well as guiding one. Wonderful teacher.

Ok, I'm going to do that. I'm just going to go read Emptiness Dancing.

If I may ask, do I seem more sane now? I feel more sane. My mind is much more clear and I seem to be aware of what is real and not real, and I'm no longer psychotic, nor schizophrenic, thanks to getting off the drugs. Narcotics Anonymous is super helpful. As are anti-psychotics and sleeping medications. But yea, do I seem a little more grounded now than before? I feel more grounded. I have two feet and there's gravity and I can jump around, unlike a tree. It's awesome. I love gravity, and light. Sunlight in particular. Lamps are cool too. As is darkness. Also air is awesome, as is sound. Without air there is no sound, which is so cool! Science! I love science. I guess I wouldn't be able to enjoy any of it if it wasn't for awareness though. Also plants are fucking so awesome. But I digress.

Oh, and I paid for this yoga for beginners course, which is going to be great. Was there once before, great teacher. I really wonder if there is anything to this chakra stuff though. I really don't want to get into it nor spiritual powers or loony things like that, but yoga seems to kinda just create stillness and tranquility in the mind and body. Head space. Though I do wonder about this chakra stuff, I kinda just wonder if there's actually any reality to it. If so that would be pretty cool. Perhaps helpful, though I'm not a fan of loony practices like visualizing chakra circles and stuff. I call it loony, it seems that way, maybe it is or maybe it's not, but I really want to know the truth about this for myself. I refuse to believe things. but so yea, this might be fun.

Anyways, sorry for rambling on, thanks for sticking with me. It's really nice to have someone to spill everything out to, a few people think I'm like a guru or something just because I've read a lot of stuff or so on, my friend even said she doesn't mind me being her guru, which I kinda just had to ignore and reject the idea of, because she's my friend, not my student. Nor am I a master or teacher, and I don't want to be. And now I hate myself for even mentioning it. But ok. I digress.

Thank you once again, much love
Andreas

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Mon Jan 06, 2020 9:38 am

Damn, I seem a little full of myself reading over what I just sent. And I can definitely notice my ADHD. Maybe not so grounded after all. I have no idea now...


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