Non self a love story

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Derk72
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Re: Non self a love story

Postby Derk72 » Fri Feb 28, 2020 9:30 am

Dear Ilona,

Thank you for taking over for Floris. We really had a good conversation. I am grateful for that.

What am I looking for?
That is a good question. And not easy to answer since I probably don't really no the answer. It might be the experience of being one with everything. I know that feeling, it is great. In total contact with the I AM / God /Allah / Bagwan ... the divine life energy and less interfered by thinking and feeling not really happy with how I created things in my life (I divorced almost two years ago, good decision and also meant the end of family life as I pictured it)... But I do well, I am happy with most of the development in me and my life. I am positive:-)

.... new day... The above I wrote yesterday...
I am looking for the right balance in me. That is what I am working on. To fully focus on the things I really love (and to be able to distinguish the ego thinking and my intuition).
Yessss, that is my answer for now on the question what am I looking for:-)

Wish you a great day,
Derk

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Ilona
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Re: Non self a love story

Postby Ilona » Sat Feb 29, 2020 6:47 am

thank you for answer.
There is always right balance and there is always oneness with everything already. Question is, are you noticing that? What is incomplete right now? What should be different? What do you expect to happen? Does right balance mean only positive and wanted experiences?

Can you take time with these questions and answer in full honesty.

Love.

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Derk72
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Re: Non self a love story

Postby Derk72 » Tue Mar 03, 2020 9:48 pm

Dear Ilona,

Took a few days.. openend your message several times to read it. Not searching for an answer (there was an answer directly of course). Felt a bit guilty also that it took so long... and decided to let that go as well.
One answer pops up all the time and that is that I know that there's always balance and all is one. I know so much, but.... the difficulty is experiencing that too.
Question is, are you noticing that? What is incomplete right now? What should be different? What do you expect to happen? Does right balance mean only positive and wanted experiences?
What occurred to me during the days is that it is a circle I am in. Nothing is going to change if I am not willing to give up the 'but'... and then discussing and feeling the frustration around that... 'I know it all, but I have difficulty living it'.

So it has to do with my focus, when it is reduced and scattered, theres more attention for incompletion, lack, etc....
And yes, then I want things only to be positive and wanted.. Not realistic.. I know;-)

Derk

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Ilona
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Re: Non self a love story

Postby Ilona » Wed Mar 04, 2020 7:17 am

Thank you for taking time and answering honestly.

Yes, it’s about the but
Let’s here the but.
Let’s agree with it. Yes it is difficult living with feelings of incompleteness and lack.
Yes it is not so obvious in experience that there is balance and oneness
Yes, I want to feel more pleasant feelings and less of non pleasant

Write here or for yourself on paper all the buts and agree with them. Fully see what buts are in there. Allow them too.

Then ask this question: what is happening not effortlessly?

Write what you notice.
Love.

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Derk72
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Re: Non self a love story

Postby Derk72 » Thu Mar 12, 2020 11:36 am

Hi Ilona,
Then ask this question: what is happening not effortlessly?
It is a very interesting question.. what is happening not effortlessly or with effort?
I made a list of things I appreciate in my life. For example:
Yes I know so much and I teach others in applying it, but I have much difficulty in applying it myself.
Yes I can feel balance now, but not much needed to experience the opposite and it is so hard work to get back in balance again.
Yes I have a lot of talents, but I don't use them enough.
Yes I still agree with the choice to divorce, but the consequences are so big on many levels
Yes I am sporty, but I don't train enough.
Yes I really enjoy having the kids, but it is also a lot of work.
Yes I am happy with my girlfriend, but I can't deal with all the expectations on spending time together
Yes I am happy with my new house, but there's so much renovation to be done.
Yes I believe in abundance, but since I gave all my money to my ex-wife I hit the bottom now for the first time in my life.
Yes I believe I am privileged with great work, but I don't profile enough / I am afraid to sell myself.
Yes I can relax very well, but then I don't do the things I have to do and that stresses me...

Etc. Very disturbing exercise by the way; Yes it is a good exercise, but it makes me feel very incompetent and what a dissatisfied person I am... Don't like that.... this is so not how I want to live my life... there the self judge comes in hard!

Conclusion:
The first half obviously doesn't take any effort. The effort is in the second part, very clear! The effort is what comes after the but, manifesting via thought and feeling and behavior coming after that. Those three... thought, emotion, behavior behind the but cost a lot of energy!

Love, Derk

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Ilona
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Re: Non self a love story

Postby Ilona » Fri Mar 13, 2020 7:46 am

Hi Derk.
It’s very interesting how you interpreted the exercise. And I see it was revealing to you how much judgement you hold about yourself.

Is that judgement effortless (arising by itself ) or something you do?

Let’s look at effort closer. In actual experience. Not in mind scenarios.

Right here right now, there are colours and shapes. Look around. Do you see them or do you make them appear? Are colours something you do something that is happening, that is given? Can you manipulate the colours that are seen? Let’s say these letters are black on a white screen. Is it up to you to decide the colours? Or they are here as they are? Try to change black to pink. Does that work?

Sounds, are they heard effortlessly or do you need to choose, manipulate, decide, make sounds happen and other sounds that you don’t like not happen? Or is hearing sounds happening effortlessly?

Sensations. Feel feet on the ground. Is that sensation something you do by effort or is it happening? Are there sensations that you make happen? Are sensations here because you do them?

Smell. Smell something and examine, is it up to you what smell is felt? Can you stop smelling for a minute if that smell is here already? Are smells happening or are you doing them?

Taste?

Feelings/emotions. Are they effortless or do you make feelings come up? The feeling that is here now, are you doing it? Or is it happening?

And thoughts, are they given or are you doing them?

Examine and write to me what you notice.

Love.


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