Non self a love story

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Derk72
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Re: Non self a love story

Postby Derk72 » Fri Feb 28, 2020 9:30 am

Dear Ilona,

Thank you for taking over for Floris. We really had a good conversation. I am grateful for that.

What am I looking for?
That is a good question. And not easy to answer since I probably don't really no the answer. It might be the experience of being one with everything. I know that feeling, it is great. In total contact with the I AM / God /Allah / Bagwan ... the divine life energy and less interfered by thinking and feeling not really happy with how I created things in my life (I divorced almost two years ago, good decision and also meant the end of family life as I pictured it)... But I do well, I am happy with most of the development in me and my life. I am positive:-)

.... new day... The above I wrote yesterday...
I am looking for the right balance in me. That is what I am working on. To fully focus on the things I really love (and to be able to distinguish the ego thinking and my intuition).
Yessss, that is my answer for now on the question what am I looking for:-)

Wish you a great day,
Derk

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Ilona
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Re: Non self a love story

Postby Ilona » Sat Feb 29, 2020 6:47 am

thank you for answer.
There is always right balance and there is always oneness with everything already. Question is, are you noticing that? What is incomplete right now? What should be different? What do you expect to happen? Does right balance mean only positive and wanted experiences?

Can you take time with these questions and answer in full honesty.

Love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com
Youtube https://youtube.com/c/ilonaciunaite

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Derk72
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Re: Non self a love story

Postby Derk72 » Tue Mar 03, 2020 9:48 pm

Dear Ilona,

Took a few days.. openend your message several times to read it. Not searching for an answer (there was an answer directly of course). Felt a bit guilty also that it took so long... and decided to let that go as well.
One answer pops up all the time and that is that I know that there's always balance and all is one. I know so much, but.... the difficulty is experiencing that too.
Question is, are you noticing that? What is incomplete right now? What should be different? What do you expect to happen? Does right balance mean only positive and wanted experiences?
What occurred to me during the days is that it is a circle I am in. Nothing is going to change if I am not willing to give up the 'but'... and then discussing and feeling the frustration around that... 'I know it all, but I have difficulty living it'.

So it has to do with my focus, when it is reduced and scattered, theres more attention for incompletion, lack, etc....
And yes, then I want things only to be positive and wanted.. Not realistic.. I know;-)

Derk

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Ilona
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Re: Non self a love story

Postby Ilona » Wed Mar 04, 2020 7:17 am

Thank you for taking time and answering honestly.

Yes, it’s about the but
Let’s here the but.
Let’s agree with it. Yes it is difficult living with feelings of incompleteness and lack.
Yes it is not so obvious in experience that there is balance and oneness
Yes, I want to feel more pleasant feelings and less of non pleasant

Write here or for yourself on paper all the buts and agree with them. Fully see what buts are in there. Allow them too.

Then ask this question: what is happening not effortlessly?

Write what you notice.
Love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com
Youtube https://youtube.com/c/ilonaciunaite

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Derk72
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Re: Non self a love story

Postby Derk72 » Thu Mar 12, 2020 11:36 am

Hi Ilona,
Then ask this question: what is happening not effortlessly?
It is a very interesting question.. what is happening not effortlessly or with effort?
I made a list of things I appreciate in my life. For example:
Yes I know so much and I teach others in applying it, but I have much difficulty in applying it myself.
Yes I can feel balance now, but not much needed to experience the opposite and it is so hard work to get back in balance again.
Yes I have a lot of talents, but I don't use them enough.
Yes I still agree with the choice to divorce, but the consequences are so big on many levels
Yes I am sporty, but I don't train enough.
Yes I really enjoy having the kids, but it is also a lot of work.
Yes I am happy with my girlfriend, but I can't deal with all the expectations on spending time together
Yes I am happy with my new house, but there's so much renovation to be done.
Yes I believe in abundance, but since I gave all my money to my ex-wife I hit the bottom now for the first time in my life.
Yes I believe I am privileged with great work, but I don't profile enough / I am afraid to sell myself.
Yes I can relax very well, but then I don't do the things I have to do and that stresses me...

Etc. Very disturbing exercise by the way; Yes it is a good exercise, but it makes me feel very incompetent and what a dissatisfied person I am... Don't like that.... this is so not how I want to live my life... there the self judge comes in hard!

Conclusion:
The first half obviously doesn't take any effort. The effort is in the second part, very clear! The effort is what comes after the but, manifesting via thought and feeling and behavior coming after that. Those three... thought, emotion, behavior behind the but cost a lot of energy!

Love, Derk

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Ilona
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Re: Non self a love story

Postby Ilona » Fri Mar 13, 2020 7:46 am

Hi Derk.
It’s very interesting how you interpreted the exercise. And I see it was revealing to you how much judgement you hold about yourself.

Is that judgement effortless (arising by itself ) or something you do?

Let’s look at effort closer. In actual experience. Not in mind scenarios.

Right here right now, there are colours and shapes. Look around. Do you see them or do you make them appear? Are colours something you do something that is happening, that is given? Can you manipulate the colours that are seen? Let’s say these letters are black on a white screen. Is it up to you to decide the colours? Or they are here as they are? Try to change black to pink. Does that work?

Sounds, are they heard effortlessly or do you need to choose, manipulate, decide, make sounds happen and other sounds that you don’t like not happen? Or is hearing sounds happening effortlessly?

Sensations. Feel feet on the ground. Is that sensation something you do by effort or is it happening? Are there sensations that you make happen? Are sensations here because you do them?

Smell. Smell something and examine, is it up to you what smell is felt? Can you stop smelling for a minute if that smell is here already? Are smells happening or are you doing them?

Taste?

Feelings/emotions. Are they effortless or do you make feelings come up? The feeling that is here now, are you doing it? Or is it happening?

And thoughts, are they given or are you doing them?

Examine and write to me what you notice.

Love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com
Youtube https://youtube.com/c/ilonaciunaite

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Derk72
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Re: Non self a love story

Postby Derk72 » Tue Mar 30, 2021 4:00 pm

Dear Ilona,

How are you? Long time, sorry for my late reply..
It took me a year to contact you again. All year in my inbox to reply. Hope you can forgive me:-)

Sun is shining .. it is a beautiful day.

This past year a lot happened and I did a lot of self observation. Observing how thoughts come and go, how feelings come and go, how smell comes and goes. Answering the questions in your post of March 13, 2020. No doing of an I at all.

Regarding all senses it seems as if there are sort of different clouds I am in depending on my focus.
So if I read a lot of news regarding Corona and politics for example other thoughts and feelings come up than when I focus on love, gratitude, I AM. In different states different senses happen to me.

Not focussing on news, instead focussing on being grateful, spending time with kids and in nature, workout, renovating the house, etc. I pretty much enjoyed most of the time. And again the senses happen, there's no I who does that.. although it seems that my focus has a lot of influence.

Again, my apologies for my late reply, hope it will not take you as much time as it took me to reply!;-)

Virtual hug and with love,
Derk

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Ilona
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Re: Non self a love story

Postby Ilona » Fri Apr 02, 2021 4:49 am

Hi Derk,
It’s been a while, yes! Thanks for the hug. Nice to see you back.
Yes, a lot change happened in a year, including how I communicate. I much prefer now live meetings to typing. You are welcome to join Deep Looking events on zoom. You can find the dates on my website (the link in the signature)
You say, in different states different senses happen to you. I’m wondering how you see that? Senses happen to you— is there a gap between senses and you? As if these senses happen from outside and you are here perceiving them?
Is there a perceiver at all?

Explore this and write soon :)
Love back.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com
Youtube https://youtube.com/c/ilonaciunaite

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Derk72
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Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2019 3:34 pm

Re: Non self a love story

Postby Derk72 » Fri Apr 09, 2021 9:13 am

Dear Ilona,

First of all thanks for your quick reply.
My intention was to reply earlier too, precisely on Tuesday. I wrote the reply en when I sort of finished, I got a call that my father had had a heart attack (he's doing well now). So I stood up and left and didnt send you the message then. When I sat behind my desk yesterday I completed the message, pressed 'submit' and then it was gone.. Probably had to do with closing the laptop etc.. So I start all over... it was quite a long story so it is probably part of the exercise to make it shorter:-)
You say, in different states different senses happen to you. I’m wondering how you see that? Senses happen to you— is there a gap between senses and you? As if these senses happen from outside and you are here perceiving them?
Is there a perceiver at all?
When I read this I felt disappointed, puzzelled, trapped in words, lost,.. etc. In the sense that I have the idea that I understand 'the truth' and still I have my experiences in daily life.... So seeing/knowing 'the truth' doesn’t seem to change anything...

I know there's no I and me that I can find. and everything is happening in me (not from outside). Thing is that although I know these things I still experience love and fear based feelings and thoughts. So although there is no perceiver to be found, there still is an experience...

In the message that was lost I widely explained how I experience the different states: now I dont feel that desire anymore.. since it came sort of out the wish to convince you about something I am not sure I believe in myself... lots of doubt in my head.

The question remains then: In what sense is it possible to influence my experience?

There still is this stubborn idea that I can. Although I know there's no I. And that makes the confrontation / the mindfuck complete... it makes me very happy at times and very sad also. It feels like I am not living my purpose, because I feel scared about the consequences. Especially the last part I really want to get rid of. And that may be part of the issue..

So what is it that I have to let go now...? Especially in daily life with all those responsibilities I find it hard to live it.
(no problem during meditation or for example during the days I spend alone in total darkness, then I feel only love, no problems, nothing to be solved... light, love, limitlessness, etc.)

Thank you so much for your help and time, really very grateful for this.

Warm regards and hug, Derk


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