I don't know anything absolutely.

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Fallawake1
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I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Wed Jan 30, 2019 9:49 am

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?

LU is focused on guiding us to get the direct experience of the seeing through of the illusion of the false self or separate self. There is no thinker, doer, feeler perceiver. There is just a great flow of energy that we mistakenly take for separate things. I have the feeling that it’s mostly caused by the superimposition of mind.

What are you looking for at LU?

I want to bring more love, consciousness and light in life. I want to use it as a tool to become consciously, rooted in beingness. Also, these days, I’m pondering with the question: What is ‘’my purpose’’ in life? So if light can be brought on that question, it would be great. I’m looking for uncaused and lasting peace and happiness. By happiness, I don’t mean always having a big smile on my face. I mean being at peace with what I am as a human. I want to love myself unconditionally. I want to always be honestly able to answer yes to the question: Do I love myself right now? I want Truth. I want to be more authentic in all my relations.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?

I expect it’s going to make me practice to articulate ideas and help me express feelings. I expect it’s going to make me realize at least at the level of though what reality is. I expect to be challenged. I of course expect to be respected.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?

I have started a Jungian psychoanalysis in April 2014 and it is on hold now since december 2018. I’ve started meditation in January 2017. The first 14 months were a bit chaotic in the sense that I wasn’t doing any “technic” in particular although I was quite regular, except for a period of around 2 months. Since March 2018 I’m ‘’using’’ mostly Centering prayer, at least twenty minutes twice a day. Also, I use the following method: I ask without answering, internally or out loud the question: Am I conscious? In 2018 I also did a few months of prayer of the heart: many hundreds of repetition per day, in my normal activities. I’m now using the question: Am I conscious? many times a day, to get into the seat of awareness. In March 2017 I have done one assisted MDMA session in which something I would call as a disolution of the ego happened. It was a second of pure bliss and sensation of deep union. Those are very pale words to say what really happened. It was actually beyond words. Previous to that MDMA I did assisted sessions with mushrooms, DMT and Salvya. Within the last 2 years, I have read some books of Eckart Tolle, Don Miguel Ruiz, Michael Singer, Matt Kahn, Allan Watts, Etty Hillesum, Thomas Keating, David Frenette, more than a hundred Q&A by Rupert Spira, some of his essays. I’ve watched many of Kyle Cease, Eckart Tolle, Allan Watts, Rupert Spira, Magdi Badawy, Lisa Cairns, Francis Lucille, Bentinho Massaro, Scott Killoby, Prince EA. Since March 2018, I’ve participated in five Santo Daime (Ayahuasca) ceremonies, a one day workshop on welcoming prayer. I did one session of holotropic breathwork and participated in one sweatlodge and a few Satsang, some in the Plum village tradition (Wake Up Montreal) and some in the Non-Dual approach (Alina Panteleev). I recently started a practice of Yoga Nidra. I also recently started to practice some living inquiry. The more I inquire the more I realize that I don’t know anything any more.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 10

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Ilona
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Ilona » Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:42 am

Hi fallawake
Welcome to LU, glad you made it here. And thank you for patience waiting for a guide. We can have a chat and see what happens.

Thank you for sharing your journey so far. What an extensive list of authors...
what do you get for the answer when you ask about your purpose?
And what is in the way of loving yourself unconditionally?
Are you ready to let go of all that is in the way of peace, or do you prefer fighting what is?
Write what feels true.

Love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Thu Feb 14, 2019 2:28 am

Hi Ilona. Thank you for answering me. I'm happy start our converstion. :)

Before answering your question, I would like to share something that happened recently:

Monday evening, I watched a video by Scott Kiloby on Youtube named Relax. It’s a video that proposes an exercise to see through ‘’the seeker’’. I’ve watched that video and did the exercise as I was watching it. Something happened. There was the realisation that everything is already always there, at each moment; there is nothing outside our experience. I felt pretty good for the rest of the evening. I shared with my girlfriend suggesting that she should watch it. However, yesterday, few ‘’bad’’ things happened, mostly concerning money. Later in the afternoon, another realisation emerged, there is nothing to do, want, understand, reach, seek. The seeker identity (which I never really identified consciously with) got eroded to say the least. Slowly but surely, feelings of void, confusion and pointlessness arose. I arrived home that night and I shared with my girlfriend and a friend of ours. They mostly were trying to cheer me up and after a while my girlfriend even asked me if I thought I had depression. I answered that I don’t think it’s depression. In my mind I had the idea that it might have been some mild version of dark night of the soul. Anyway, I have the feeling that what’s happening is normal. I shared earlier today with my Yoga Nidra teacher and as I was sharing that event, sadness arose. At the same time it felt very good to be heard without comment. I guess seeing through the seeker is part of losing once identity.

What do you get for your answer when you ask for your purpose?

To be honest I don’t know. I don’t know why but for me, a purpose is linked with the day to day life therefore ideally with the things we do for a living. My parents always encouraged us in doing what we love. I was good in math and I liked it so my father encouraged me to study it. I did a degree, a master and one year of Phd in Pure Mathematic. While doing my second year of master, following the recommendation of one of brother I tried Contact Improvisation (a form of dance) . I did it because I felt uncomfortable in my body (physical contact in general were uncomfortable) and I wanted to meet more women and get out of my head. I started training intensively in dance while finishing my master and doing my first year of Phd. I dropped mathematic to pursue my study in a dance school at 25 years old in 2007 and graduated in 2011. Since then I’ve always had at least one project on the go but I’ve never financially lived of dance. We could say that it’s not an easy and stable way of life. I work as a receptionist in the dance school where I studied, I’m also tutoring kids in math and French. Also, in the last 2 years, there’s a few projects that ended, I sprained my right wrist twice, (the first time was two days after starting to meditate). That injury gave me more time for the meditation, and the subsequent questioning. Dance and my relation to it has also been questioned. In December 2013, my father whom I love, passed away. In April 2014, after a 4 ½ years old rocky relationship with my girlfriend (Depression and alcoholism, she is now sober since October 2014), I decided to start a Jungian Psychoanalysis.
You know the basic outline of the rest of my path.
Now going back to the question.
I’m now trying to see what I really enjoy. That could be my purpose.
I feel that it varies, but recently I would say that I am in a sharing phase. I open my heart as much as the occasion seems to permit it.

What is in the way of loving yourself?
Most of the time, it’s thoughts that are still saying that something is ok and something is not. I should be like this and not like that. He shouldn’t do this or shouldn’t do that. I guess the hard part is to love those ‘’voices’’.
Also here are some stories about myself that I sometime wish were not: the shy one, the fearfull one, the righteous one, the victim one, the greedy one, the anxious one, the passive aggressive one, the one that believe he is different/superior to others.

Are you ready to let go of all that is in the way of peace, or do you prefer fighting what is?
Yes, I am ready to let go of all that is in the way of peace.

Tomorrow is my second Living inquiry session.
Thanks again
Love, Gab

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Ilona
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Ilona » Thu Feb 14, 2019 6:39 am

Hi Gab,
Thank you for answer.
Great to hear that you are ready for peace. Enough of fighting what is. All can be met with kindness, openness and love.
I don’t know what’s living inquiry, but if that works for you, then sweet.
Here we ask only one question. Is there I as a separate from life entity in charge of what is happening.
What happens when you ask this question?

Write your immediate experience.

Love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Thu Feb 14, 2019 7:59 pm

I feel that there is a me separate from the world.

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Thu Feb 14, 2019 8:08 pm

Hi Ilona. I feel that there is a me separate from the world.
🙏
Gab

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Ilona
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Ilona » Fri Feb 15, 2019 7:27 am

Ok. Let’s try again. This time write to me what happens immediately when you let that thought in. What happens? How body reacts? What resistances show up? Where is that feeling of being separate?
The point is to look at your immediate experience and describe fully what happens. Can you do that?

Love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Fri Feb 15, 2019 8:17 pm

Ah👍🏻! I immediately go into my mind/thinking to find an answer.
I feel the need to give the right answer, the need to be right. It comes with stress. I can’t really locate it. There is also fear. Can’t locate it, either. I can’t locate the feeling of separation I would say that it’s a general feeling.
Thank you
❤️🙏

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Ilona
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Ilona » Sat Feb 16, 2019 5:58 am

Thank you! That’s what I mean, well done.
Ok, is there a pause just before the answer shows up?
Ask this and see
Is there I?
Can you notice the silence just before the thought shows up?
THAT is the answer.
When thoughts come in it’s already mind trying to have the right answer, but the stillness before is the right answer.
Nobody home.
See if you can catch that.
Is there I?
Is there?

Love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Sat Feb 16, 2019 2:54 pm

I did noticed a very brief silence. It’s immediately followed by asking the same question over and over again. Then it’s followed by the repetition I, I, I. But there is silence in between each.
It feels a bit like when I’m asking interiorely the question: Am I conscious?
🙏🙏❤️🙏🙏
Gab

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Ilona
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Ilona » Sun Feb 17, 2019 7:39 am

Nice. That silence is the answer you are looking for.
That sense of being, aliveness is here always, being aware of what is showing up.
So sense of being separate is showing up, is that sensation you?
Is a contraction, resistance you?
Is muscular tension you?
What do you notice when asking these questions?

Love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Sun Feb 17, 2019 8:16 pm

Hi Ilona.
Here’s what came up:
I first see the questions emerging in the « mental space ». Than I have the impression that the questions don’t even make sens. They are just words. Than there’s that desire of sensing the question instead of thinking them. Than I put a lot of strength to contract my arms: contraction appears.
Than I ask the question: what’s resistance? An image of me afraid trying to block/hide away from something emerge. An image of being afraid I guess. Than I sense how resistance comes so effortlessly when it comes. As effortlessly as anything else. When resistance emerges there is that « automatic » movement of going into thinking.
Than if I go back to the first question I realize that I don’t even know what being separate means other then by thinking. There’s now that desire of being able to sense it. But I don’t know what I ‘m looking for. Than there is that thought. « Only in calm » Then there is that idea of « conjuring » the sense of being separate by thinking : separate self. Then there’s the thought:Am I separate?
Then there is the thought: Only the thought is.
Thank you.
Love
Gab

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Ilona
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Ilona » Mon Feb 18, 2019 6:44 am

Great work! Thank you.
So you can see that the question of being separate doesn’t even make sense, it’s all made up by the mind! Without thinking about separateness there is no separateness. It only shows up as an idea. Also good to notice, that resistance comes effortlessly. It shows up.
What is here besides thinking?
Write what you notice.

Love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Mon Feb 18, 2019 6:30 pm

Hi Ilona.
Thank you for everything.
Here’s what I noticed.

I could hear my heart beat for a brief moment. I sense the contact of my back against the lazy boy. I sense a tingling in my hands. I hear inward sound/buzzing. I guess I would locate it in my head. I sense a tingling in my head, mostly in the back of it. I sense a density in my temples, my cheek bones, my forehead. I sense my breath relaxing and deepening. I sense tension in my throat. I sense a general heavyness but at the same time I feel a support. Sensation changing. Cold air in my nostrils. Focus of my attention moving freely. Muscle twitching twice in my left thigh. Slow built up of tension in my left arm, followed by a release. My head start to move very slowly and gently. Sensing some sort of tension in my belly. I feel very relaxe. I feel a lot of tingling in my hands. There’s the thought that: Thought is here to communicate all that sensing.
Thank you very much for everything.
Much Love.
G

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Ilona
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Ilona » Tue Feb 19, 2019 1:09 pm

Nice work. Yes, thoughts are telling about what is being noticed. Notice that where attention is going, thought description is flowing. Look around the room slowly stopping at a few objects and watch how mind puts labels, tells what is is, where from, how memory arrives. See if you are doing it or mind labels everything automatically?

Then do this language exercise http://markedeternal.blogspot.com/2012/05/labels.html

You can write here or on paper. The point is to see if I is the doer or part of language, a word that is used to describe what is happening.

Write what you notice,
Love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book


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