can't find my way home

[Subhudra]

Thank you Bill for taking time out of your family celebration to reply.

I am stopping and looking at life going on just as it is. I try to let any thoughts that arise come and go like clouds.

When taking time out to look l do so without analysing what l see and just witness what evolving. Sometimes judgement comes when looking. I recognise when this arises and like thought see it as passing clouds.

Looking in this way with awareness doesn't happen naturally but when I consciously stop with the sole purpose of looking. However when I do this there is no self looking. I can sometimes witness the body in my view but the body isn't the looker but part of the observed.

I will continue to do this.

[Bill]

Hello there,

Back now from the weekend of family activities. Please take my suggestion and write something daily in here... it need only be what you are seeing and experiencing at the time.. but it will be helpful to you and me in this guiding the more I see and hear 'where you are' with things, the more I can tailor the questions to you. And you dont have to wait for me to write first.

Notice how most all thoughts point back to this self and what it has and/or what it might get. Notice the difference as thoughts come up between so-called neutral thoughts.... and thoughts about the 'I'.
Is there a difference in them? In how they feel and what kinds of other thoughts come up?
More on thoughts.....

Do you create them?
Can you control them?
Can you only have 'good thoughts' and eliminate the bad ones?

----------------------------

You had mentioned the looking and feeling or being like a 'witness' of things. This is close, but being a witness still represents being something apart from, and separate from life. Is this true?

Have you ever really been an 'I' apart from and separate from the life that is here (and I will put also that you are)??

Let this question sink in and give what you truly see on this...

I want you to continue to look and search for this 'I' that is at the root of all questions and doubts that you still have. There is no way to 'get' this by any type of mental gyration or inquiry.... its only done or seen by looking for the "I" and ultimately not finding anything there of substance.... only thoughts, feelings and perceptions about an 'I'..... but never finding anything substantial or real. But I can write this out many times.. the key here is that you stop and LOOK, and see this for you. Just come to a full stop.. and LOOK. This is the main thing I want from you in this inquiry... is for you to get that this looking is the only way to actually see what it is you came here for. And to think you've already been doing it all your life but not really noticing it is a revelation for sure.

[Subhudra]

Hi Bill,

I will jump right in with your questions:

Notice how most all thoughts point back to this self and what it has and/or what it might get. Notice the difference as thoughts come up between so-called neutral thoughts.... and thoughts about the 'I'.
Is there a difference in them? In how they feel and what kinds of other thoughts come up?
More on thoughts.....

Do you create them?
Can you control them?
Can you only have 'good thoughts' and eliminate the bad ones?

Noticing the thought that come up about the I and neutral though thought...They are all just thoughts. There is no difference really. Perhaps if l but into them and identify with them but I recognise when I am doing this more and they fade away quicker.

I don't create thought. They can be generate from external stimuli which can trigger them to create a story often built on memory.

Can I control them, l would say you can't control thought but I can control empowering them by buying into them. Often l can now recognise them as just thought.

Can l only have good or bad thought? Good or bad would only be an emotion and as fluctuating and transient as thought themselves. Thought and emotions are fleeting and phantoms of the brain so to speak.

You had mentioned the looking and feeling or being like a 'witness' of things. This is close, but being a witness still represents being something apart from, and separate from life. Is this true?

Have you ever really been an 'I' apart from and separate from the life that is here (and I will put also that you are)??

Being the witness for me still has a separate quality about it. I am part of life and apart of it when I look. There is a beautiful serenity and space about it. While I witness life going on around me l am also part of that life. My body is also being witness by something deeper beyond an I and my body. It is not true that l am a separate being and life is out there somewhere. When I stop and look l am aware of my place as part of this wonderful creation.

I have thought l was separate to life and needed to be to sustain my identity. Now I can see how there is nothing to maintain. I recognise that l have never really been separate. This is the beginning of realising that for most of my life l have been on autopilot, not really looking and being directed by the story generated by thought.

Thank you for going over the essence of what will be useful. I do know it's in the stopping and looking.

I have been doing this since I last wrote. It is wonderful taking time out to stop and look. I feel grounded when I do. I can catch myself when I am in the drama of a story. On these occasions l will tell myself to stop and just look. These times when there is only looking even though I have purposely stopped are short and wonderful. However thought does try and enter the arena and l gently remind myself to go back to looking. I am aware of my body being present when I am looking but it's is also part of it all. If l can explain it as the vehicle which enables my presence for awareness to take place. I feel stopping and looking is something I need to do more of so it becomes a more natural way of living. So I will endeavour to get back to you every day although not always in great detail. Thank you Bill.

[Subhudra]

Hi Bill,

Just feeding back to you on taking time out to look today. First thing that came up was resistance, "I'm too busy for this, l will do it when I've got through real stuff in my day". When I did talk myself into getting on with the looking it wasn't long before thought reminded me my day was too busy to sit looking into space. However, l did find a calm and reality initially but only fleeting. This first episode was done in isolation. I find focusing on look at the natural environment is easier for me to feel part of the whole and not a separate I.

Second attempt at just looking was in a people filled busy environment. Much harder.


I could see varieties of people going about a variety of activities. I took in the surrounding, public transport and tried to really look without labelling what I saw.

I also asked where was the I in all of this. Difficult. Lots of mind chatter saying 'just look', lots of thought 'don't label, don't judge ' that sort of commentary.

I felt totally swamped in what I was observing. There was a lot of judging commentary such as 'how will l ever see there is unity', l can only witness people as them out there and me here. Today's looking Bill was a but of a set back or perhaps a wake up call.

I find looking at nature and alone, much easier to feel no separation. Even innate objects there's some recognition of a unity. However,amongst crowds, l am entrenched in illusion of me and them.

[Bill]

Hi there,

Ok, lets go over what looking is about again. I think you're making it into something much more difficult than it is. Im sorry I havent been more clear in describing it to you.

First of all, this so called 'looking' is always going on. Yes, even right now as you're reading these words, you are aware and conscious and are taking in everything that's happening in and around you. It is more your base sense of beingness... awareness... hereness. Its nothing special. Its so non-special, it is just taken for granted and overlooked. Kind of like breathing... we are always doing it, but hardly ever aware of it unless its pointed out. You are always here and aware, but we seldom notice this as thoughts tend to crowd out this type of base awareness.

Its more that you notice that you are looking... and always have been looking, than any attempt to conjure up some kind of 'looking' state.
An exercise for you would be to write out your 'stream of consciousness' as you are for a few minutes.. Just note everything that comes into your awareness and write it out. Just pick a simple activity and write about it

I want to be very clear here also that Im not advocating 'looking' as some kind of magical mystical key to anything. Or as some way to 'be'. No. Or as something to do as a practice.. No no. My goal here is to help you see that you are always aware and here, and in essence 'looking' ... before any thinking happens. I want you to notice that its there. That's all. Stopping and looking, can be a good way to see this and that its something that we take for granted and dont even realize is happening.
If you simply just notice this, you can easily see its happening no matter how busy or chaotic things might be, in essence you are always here and aware, even when your attention is on something much more loud.

Many do notice also when looking, that they do not notice any self, or I, or me.... just what is here in front of them... just what is happening. If you can notice this... you can see what I mean.

What I am pointing to also is that what is here now.... is essentially 'it'. We seek for some remedy to our current situation, and what's true is that there is not better way to be or things to know than what we already have now. We seek, yet we are already what we are seeking. I know this sounds like a riddle.. but its seen here as true. The key is to see that this is the case, and its seen by looking and noticing that this moment is full and is in essence the only moment there ever is. A 'better' one is only imagined in the mind... it never actually comes.

"I'm too busy for this, l will do it when I've got through real stuff in my day". When I did talk myself into getting on with the looking it wasn't long before thought reminded me my day was too busy to sit looking into space.

Who or what is this 'I' that is too busy?
Find this 'one' that is so concerned about this.... can you?

[Subhudra]

Hi Bill,

An exercise for you would be to write out your 'stream of consciousness' as you are for a few minutes.. Just note everything that comes into your awareness and write it out. Just pick a simple activity and write about it.

I am responding to your message (example of an activity). The tablet is held in my hand l can see it clearly. I can see my body and l can also see my surrounding including objects in the room. I am aware of my breathing. The room is silent. The lights are on. The temperature is neither too hot of too cold. The body is comfortably supported on a chair. Thought is present as l select words to articulate what I am aware of.

My goal here is to help you see that you are always aware and here, and in essence 'looking' ... before any thinking happens.

Yes l share that, l know l am always here and aware. I am the conscious awareness always present and looking behind thought and deeper than thought. I feel it's looking not so much as a physiological function but with awareness of being present seeing.

When I have been asked to look and feedback what comes up, analysis and interpretation is always there because feedback and documenting it requires this. This inhibits just looking. I have been confused by being asked to just look. It has felt as if there was something more expected from me other than my awareness of consciousness.


The key is to see that this is the case, and its seen by looking and noticing that this moment is full and is in essence the only moment there ever is. A 'better' one is only imagined in the mind... it never actually comes.

I get this to live in the now with no aversion to what is. To watch life as it unfolds as it is. This moment being the only moment. This is similar to mindfulness practices, putting out the welcome mat for all forms of experience as it unfolds.

Many do notice also when looking, that they do not notice any self, or I, or me.... just what is here in front of them... just what is happening. If you can notice this... you can see what I mean.

Many do notice also when looking, that they do not notice any self, or I, or me.... just what is here in front of them... just what is happening. If you can notice this... you can see what I mean.


My existence as a body facilitate consciousness allowing it to be experienced. The way l am getting this is experienced as times when there's an absence of self, when all that exists is consciousness. It doesn't hold within it the concept of a self because it doesn't exist. However when looking you can see some of the physical body.

I will come back to this tomorrow. Thank you.

[Subhudra]

Who or what is this 'I' that is too busy?
Find this 'one' that is so concerned about this.... can you?

The who is the physical presence which is subject to the passing of time and has time consideration s placed on it because it is subject to the laws of nature and functions within a world subject to timescales.

[Bill]

Hello,

I do wish all the best for your family member's health. Sometimes things like this can grab our attention and make the inquiry into this seem distant or something not able to be focused on. If this is the case, do let me know and we can postpone for a while.

Let me respond in general to your writing so far.
I do think you have a good mental grasp of what this is we're pointing to. It feels as if you are trying to get whatever is left, whatever is unfinished, also by thinking and figuring it out. This usually doesn't work. Its at this point that the mind and thoughts cannot really be of any help in this. Thought cannot figure out your 'being'. The mind (thoughts) cannot 'know' what this is we are pointing to.. the mind likes and sees objects.. and this is not an object to be seen... but is essentially 'you'.. and what you are. The mind refers everything back to a 'me' and we see that upon close scrutiny and looking.. this 'me' or self cannot be found in what we call reality.

For the purpose of this guiding, Im calling reality what I can see, feel, experience, smell, taste... In other words, its not my 'thought' of it... but it itself as verifed by senses. Thought appears so strong and so convincing.. we've taken it to be reality almost all our lives and not seen that it is merely this body's point of view on things and not hard 'reality' at all.
This can be seen by stopping and looking at your thoughts; Intuitively we know they are not the truth. See this for yourself with any thought that pops up. Question it.

The 'I' believes it lives in separation from the rest of life. It feels apart from. Alone. The seeking we have (or you can call it suffering) is an attempt to reunite and close this separation gap and get back home. We try all kinds of things and lifestyles and strategies to do this.... and in the end, they all fail to stop the seeking. At some point we take a look, and see that we have never been separate from life, that all along this feeling of separation has been a fiction created and sustained by our minds and thoughts and beliefs. This is seen by no 'one' in particular.. just life looking at its natural condition. The I that was imagined to be at the center of things is found to be absent... in fact it never was there in reality, only in thought. The seeking then collapses.. as the seeker is exposed to be the fiction that it is. Nothing really changes after this. Life goes on as it has. Shit still happens that we don't like at at times. Its not a ticket to Nirvana, but here feels more like a freedom from the tight confines of thought and the mind. Its natural is all I can really say and nothing that can really be put into words. We know who and what we are, which is what we've been wanting all along, and its so simple and easy it's funny it took this long to see what was right in front of us our entire life.

This is all seen by looking. There are no special exercises or things to do to achieve this. There's nothing to really achieve, its merely a seeing and noticing of what is, and what has always been the case. We are what we have been seeking and wanting all along. We simply notice that there's no self anywhere except in thought, and that life simply happens as it does. And that we are not in control of any of it.

[Bill]

I liked your writing on the stream of consciousness. This helps us to notice that there is so much going on and happening outside of our normal noticiing of things.. its a great exercise and one I'd recommend you do for yourself once in a while during this guiding. You needn't write it out, but you can even talk silentyly to yourself and note things that pop into your awareness..

"I'm too busy for this, l will do it when I've got through real stuff in my day". When I did talk myself into getting on with the looking it wasn't long before thought reminded me my day was too busy to sit looking into space.

Who or what is this 'I' that is too busy?
Find this 'one' that is so concerned about this.... can you?

The who is the physical presence which is subject to the passing of time and has time consideration s placed on it because it is subject to the laws of nature and functions within a world subject to timescales.

I don't usually use the word who, excuse me for this. I also don't want to get into time and space in this inquiry as its not needed to see thru the self illusion.
I am asking you to look for who or what is too busy.. This should point back to your self.. the 'one' you think you are.
Is there such a one? Im not talking about the body.
Where is it?
Can you point it (this one or self) out?

An exercise for you to do today...take your time with it:

As you move around in your normal activities today, check and see if you can find a self moving the body around.
Walking, driving, typing, dressing yourself, etc.
Is there an entity living your life?
Or are there just thoughts about everything, including a self/me/I, seeming to live your life?

Just look at the evidence. In your daily life, in all your actions, keep returning to this and what's happening as you move around. Keep checking if there is something real, besides a thought, that owns and directs the body.


Do 'look' while attempting these questions and give your answers from that looking viewpoint, and not just a response from thinking about them. This will help you get to the heart of things.

[Bill]

Hello Subhudra

Hope all is well...

Still here?