while the mind is a doer of ACTION, true nature/awareness/no self/void (name it what you will) is the giver of results of action.
I'm not sure I get what you're saying here! Could you elaborate on this, please?
I'm departing here from the script of looking for an I, since Eloratea took you all the way down that hole, and you bounced right back up.
I'm bouncing back 'cause I don't wanna settle for half-baked understandings. It's easy to nodd and say "uh-uh, I got it!", but the heart knows when there is crystal clear freedom, and a deep intelectual understanding and a handfull of direct glimpses won't do.
And bouncing back from this topic shows how pivotal it actually is, how that is the linchpin that seems to be holding the whole structure. I wanna nail down this thing, and I will.
instead, close your eyes, and tell me where is your "I"? Is it in your body? If so where? Be precise. Narrow down this sense of "I" to a locale. And when you do, give it a size, a color, a shape. Find it, describe it.
Well, this sure sounds like the "script of looking for an 'I'". I like/need it, regardless of the frustrations inherent to such a delicate proccess!
The lower part of the body doesn't seem to represent an issue, it's quite a vacant house, no one in there. It's the upper part that seems to bring the confusion in. The chest and head... They respond to stuff on a moment-to-moment basis, triggering emotions and/or thoughts about what happens. The idea of "me" is absolutely and clearly linked to this emotional/pshycological responses.
This responses, more than being the effects of the action of some "person", they seem to be the cause of the person
. Meaning, angry feelings and thoughts are not coming
from a person, they are
the person. Rupert Spira says that the person is not an enity, it is an activity. It's this loop thought-emotion-thought-etc., that seems to build up the idea of a person, and it's a vicious cycle, with the belief in "me" triggering thoughts-emotions that will again strenghten the belief in "me" and so on.
So, coming back to your question, where is this "I" and what does it look like? I can't locate it exactly. It doesn't seem to be anywhere, therefore the resemblence with a ghost...
In the meanwhile I took several minutes, eyes closed, tracing back the feeling "I". In fact, I ended up in a small ball of emotion in the middle of the chest. No colour or shape, of course, but a small center of energy, that thought is always refering to and reinforcing as "me". Thoughts are quite ethereal, they don't seem to happen inside the body or head, even. Their only "power" seems to be the emotional response they cause.
This is quite mysterious - and wasn't it for the suffering it causes, this whole identity issue, the belief in a "person" and the looking for it would be quite exciting and interesting. It's very puzzling and thrilling and it's frustrating not being able to use all my time to ponder on this... A couple of weeks of vacation would come in handy...
It's frustrating to feel so close to understanding this, but still feel trapped. Ok, now let's look at this frustration. What is it and who feels frustrated?
Frustration is just some emotion (energy) with a story attached to it. The thought-emotion terrifying duet! It's the chest "thing", with thoughts about it. But thoughts and emotions are not supposed to be self-representing. The are speaking in the name of something else. Sad feelings are there to show that something is sad. Angry thoughts are messages showing that something or someone is angry. But, funny enough, that someone never shows up, right?
It's like a defense attorney, laying facts down (thoughts+emotions) about an unknown defendant. Thoughts are the voice of someone that never shows up. Emotions reflect how the person feels, a person that is never seen. "I'm sad!". "I" who? No answer. The "thing" that suffers is never found. What is it that suffers fom unenlightenment, for instance? The body is not looking for enlightenment (or self-knowledge). The mind... the mind is thought, and thought cannot become enlightened. Ultimately, there is nothing that would seem to bennefict from self-knowledge. Body and mind are already doing its thing. Awareness is also already doing its thing, unaffected by anything. What is it that would benefict from "clear seeing"? What is it that craves it?
I'm kinda talking to my self here, but where I'm trying to get at is this: nothing seems to have a problem. The body doesn't have problems. Even if pain comes, pain is just raw experience, not bad, not good. The body doesn't want to be fit or healthy. It doesn't want anything. It is the mind that superimposes a bunch of ideas upon the body. If this body would become paralyzed from the neck down, the body itself wouldn't bother the slightest. The mind yes, could create a whole story about it, but even that story would be about someone, because the mind, regardless of the condition of the body, still can do its thing, which is to think and play around with concepts. So, the mind also never has a problem (even with a crippled body), for it is always doing its thing: thinking.
So, who has the problems? If body and mind function naturally no matter what the scenario is, where is the problem? The problem is expressed through
the mind, but it belongs not to the mind. It belongs, supposedly, to the thinker, to the "person" behind the thoughts, the subject thought is always refering to. And so I'm back to the ghost... Something seems to be triggering these thoughts about changing what is, becoming something else, knowing what I really am, but that something triggering the thoughts seems to be more thought, no?
Thought says, "I want the peace of self-knowledge", but thought doesn't want anything, because it is just a thought, not an entity. It is representing something, but it is not itself anything. But perhaps there is no one to represent, and there is only thought feeding other thoughts about a non-existent subject that is supposed to be wanting self-knowledge and peace. All this seasoned with emotional drama and it becomes a pretty thick plot. Such a mysterious tale, where the main character is nowhere to be found.
Does this make any sense, Lori? Thank you so much for your patience. Love to you!
There seems to be some understanding about this, but the heart feels not free. Now, what this "heart not feeling free" actually means is that there is some constriction at the heart - that small ball of me-ness at the chest is crying for attention. But all that is, is a sensation in the body. And a sensation is neither free nor bound, it is just a sensation, just a "thing" happening somewhere here. Hhhm, I'm kinda lost in here...