AM I?

[AM I?]

Get into the feeling while at the same time watch your thought processes.
Tell me what thoughts arise as you do this.

my mind wanders
is it running away from the truth?
i don't know

sadness is just a feeling
i feel it in my stomach, i feel pressure in my head, etc
i know it is just an organism with unwanted feelings
but i'm stuck
as always

i've lost my woman because of my 'emotional problems' and because i have no dreams, no goals

my main goal at this time is to get rid of my 'emotional problems'
to stop living in my thoughts
to start developing my skills
playing instruments
or simply reading books
whatever
to stop smoking weed everynight alone
to find people i can talk with
to stop being envious about others people luck
to stop emotional rollercoaster
to feel satisfaction

[AM I?]

and to stop thinking so much about 'how do I look?'
it's very annoying thought, which is sitting in my mind most of the time in social interactions

[vinceschubert]

my mind wanders
is it running away from the truth?

Yes, it is running as fast as it can. It it frightened. With good cause.
It thinks we are going to take away it's reason for existing.
We are not.
We are going to modify it's reason for being though.
Instead of it being the Master, it going back to the shed where it belongs, as Handyman.
It has a brilliant toolbox that can achieve heaps. It can be creative and can solve problems with ease...
As Master it got arrogant and thought it could write scripts, but geez! listen to the actors complain. They are not happy.
Just look at this script.
Not only pain and agony but no sex either.

sadness is just a feeling
i feel it in my stomach, i feel pressure in my head, etc
i know it is just an organism with unwanted feelings
but i'm stuck
as always

i've lost my woman because of my 'emotional problems' and because i have no dreams, no goals

my main goal at this time is to get rid of my 'emotional problems'
to stop living in my thoughts
to start developing my skills
playing instruments
or simply reading books
whatever
to stop smoking weed everynight alone
to find people i can talk with
to stop being envious about others peoples luck
to stop emotional rollercoaster
to feel satisfaction

The lead actor in this Video is Bartek.
But it's time to do the next Vid. With a new script.
In this one we'll add some happiness and sex.
Come on Bartek, you are only the actor playing that part until the movies finished.
You dont have to act the whole script every day. We've got it recorded for when we want to play it.
Go learn your lines for the new blockbuster. The actors will love it. Good feelings for everyone. (except the villain)

Bartek, can you see that this is a story ?
A story that is the result of circumstances.
But just a story that is being played out.
Can you see THIS ?

[AM I?]

just a story?
it's everything i have.


ps. can i be vulgar on this forum?

[vinceschubert]

can i be vulgar on this forum?

absolutely, i insist. vulgar is good. (it is unedited)

just a story?
it's everything i have.

Now i'm going to be vulgar.
HA, Ha, ha ! ah, ha ha ha, ho ho ho!!
That's great. The truest word you have ever said. (and you didn't know it)
Fantastic ! You just exposed your anchor. This is what is keeping you from SEEING reality.
You can see why there is resistance Now, can't you ?
There is fear that without the story Bartek gets annihilated. Without the story Bartek evaporates.

Ok, This is all WHO has ? Why, Bartek of course.
But Bartek is real only as a character in the story (ego).
So what was that statement again ? "it's everything I have"
Ok, let's rephrase that and keep the same meaning...
The Story (with Bartek as the main character) is EVERYTHING the main character in the Story has.

Now, listen to me. Stories are not the problem !
Believing them is.
Thinking that the character in the story IS you, that's the problem.
That's also the answer.
RE-COGNISE IT and were done!

Stories are like raincoats.
You put a raincoat on when you need it.
You temporarily adopt a story when circumstances require it. But you know that the character in the story is a fiction.

You can write new stories at whim.
In fact, If you watch your thoughts RIGHT NOW you can see them busy writing a script.
If it happens in the background then todays writings will simply get appended to the bottom of the main Bartek story.
If you're a wake up to what is happening, then you get a chance to write really good scripts.
For instance, ever since awakening, i have been aware that a script where there would be no self-consciousness, no embarrassment here even if a need to adress a large audience arose. That it would be done exquisitely, automatically.
I like to keep scripts in event size bits. That way i can mix and match to suit different situations. i don't use old scripts much anymore as they feel pretty uncomfortable. But hey, new ones are being written with every thought.

[vinceschubert]

Oh, this too.
EGO is same as character in Story.

Bartek, tell me how Ego is formed.

[AM I?]

my ego is created from the interaction between this organism and the environment.
it is a function.
important one.


i feel that i have some kind of a high consciousness. i'm a sensitive person.
i'm sensitive on sounds, light, pain, thinking, i'm sometimes suspicious to others,
i;m often afraid to talk to people,
but i'm also very open to some people who are open to me, and I very easily trust them.
my emotions are swinging from one extreme to another in a short time.

i look often in people eyes, and even when I don't, i often see with a side of my eye, that people are looking at me, that i'm attracting their attention.
some people started to be afraid me, because i get easily irritated at work and i;m vulgar person.

this mind is attracting attention, but at the same time, this mind is terrible at having attention.
sometimes i feel 'out of control' if you know what i mean.
my thoughts are chaotic
and i'm afraid, that i will be more 'weird' person when i will find out that there is no person.

most of the time i cannot focus my awareness on my actions, they are making themselves spontaneously,
and it irritates me, because my actions are very often INCAUTIOUS.

person i'm in love with, hated my character, and now she don't want to see me,
because i bring too much bad memories to her.

sometimes i don't like my character. sometimes i don't like myself.
but i'm also very often proud of myself. too proud.
sometimes it's funny, i'm proud of myself and i hate myself,
and both feelings are irritating me, and even the sillines of the situation irritates me.


I believe that when 'i will liberate myself', i will be high-conscious human, and many people will like me,
many people will be afraid of me, and many people will hate me, i am strange and this ego will be always 'strange'

i have a big ego, that's why it's hard for me to see that simple truth.
i feel close and far from the truth simultaneously.

[vinceschubert]

Good rant Bartek.
You should have made name "I AM" instead of "AM I?"
It is important to you to be a certain way, a way that you approve of, a way that fits a description that you have developed.
Is that right ?

my ego is created...

i see the RESULTS of your Ego (character) but i don't see your ego.
Where is it ?
Where does it live ?

it is a function.
important one.

What is that important function ?

i feel that i have some kind of a high consciousness. i'm a sensitive person.
i'm sensitive on sounds, light, pain, thinking,

i presume you are comparing yourself to how you see other people, is that right?

this mind is attracting attention

How is it doing this ?

i'm afraid, that i will be more 'weird' person

Others wont even know that it has happened unless you choose to reveal it (then they might think it is weird)
Actually you will be much more relaxed and easy to get on with.

i'm also very often proud of myself

Are you proud because you made yourself this way ?
Are you proud because of the combination of DNA and life experience made you this way?

i will liberate myself

You wont liberate yourself. (how can an eye see itself?) Liberation will happen !

i feel close and far from the truth simultaneously.

You ARE both close and far away from Liberation simultaneously. (truth is another story)

Bartek, please answer ALL of the questions asked.
Success is certain. (failure can only happen if you quit)

Oh, one more question;
Are you proud of the colour of your eyes ?

[AM I?]

no, i am not

[vinceschubert]

Can you go through the previous post and answer ALL of the questions please.
then answer this one... Why are you not proud of the colour of your eyes ?

[AM I?]

Why are you not proud of the colour of your eyes ?

i like colour of my eyes, but why i should be proud of it? i don't get it

[vinceschubert]

Exactly, no reason to be proud of something that just happened.

but i'm also very often proud of myself. too proud.
sometimes it's funny, i'm proud of myself and i hate myself,

Being proud of yourself or hating yourself are both the same thing.
Why feel anything about the way you are ?
It just IS.

There are still questions you haven't answered, please go back and answer them.

[AM I?]

I see the RESULTS of your Ego (character) but i don't see your ego.
Where is it ?
Where does it live ?

i dont know, you are tormenting me
questions are tormenting me
i'm blocked
and i dont believe that this questions will help me
my problem is somewhere else, but i dont know where

What is that important function ? [of the ego]

its important function is making a junkyard from my mind

i presume you are comparing yourself to how you see other people, is that right?

yes, and i see how poorly i function in this society compared to others

--------
this mind is attracting attention

How is it doing this ?

by being mysterious and apathic and pathetic and sometimes furious

Are you proud because you made yourself this way ?
Are you proud because of the combination of DNA and life experience made you this way?

uhhh.... i think i made myself this way, partially
im proud because im proud
its just a feeling

You wont liberate yourself. (how can an eye see itself?) Liberation will happen !

cool, so im going to smoke some more weed :)

[vinceschubert]

i dont know, you are tormenting me
questions are tormenting me
i'm blocked
and i dont believe that this questions will help me
my problem is somewhere else, but i dont know where

If only i could torment you - it is your thoughts that are doing the tormenting (and dementing)
and it's your thoughts that say "i'm blocked"
It's the very questions that are difficult or that provoke emotion that are the keys to freedom.
Saying that your problems are somewhere else is just the minds' feeble attempt to escape from this hotspot.

yes, and i see how poorly i function in this society compared to others

Can you see the internal workings of others ?
Of course Not! You just imagine that they cope better than you. (it's part of the story of Bartek)

i think i made myself this way, partially

Tell me how you did this ?

im proud because im proud
its just a feeling

Ha! excellent. This is the most liberated statement you have uttered in all of our discourses.

cool, so im going to smoke some more weed :)

If it happens, it happens. Enjoy it guilt free.
Instead of seeing it as a coping mechanism or an escape, recognise that whatever is in your direct experience is ALL of reality for you. Including the thoughts that arise (not the content, but the thought itself)
Have you experienced getting stoned just by triggering it when talking to someone that you often do it with and just talking about it ?
Post liberation you will probably still toke for a while until you realise that a lot of the effects of smoking are already there. Freedom did it. (it's a much cheaper high too)

Ok Bartek, find the question above and give me a big rant please.

[AM I?]

Ok Bartek, find the question above and give me a big rant please.

well, unfortunately i have no weed right now, so probably there will be no big rant, but i'll try

Can you see the internal workings of others ?
Of course Not! You just imagine that they cope better than you. (it's part of the story of Bartek)

good point

i think i made myself this way, partially

Tell me how you did this ?

ummm... mmm... [confused]
i dont know.

im proud because im proud
its just a feeling

Ha! excellent. This is the most liberated statement you have uttered in all of our discourses.

are all of the feelings empty? without content?

Have you experienced getting stoned just by triggering it when talking to someone that you often do it with and just talking about it ?

my highs are the best when i smoke alone (there's no 'them' anyway... everyone's empty)

anyway i probably didn't get your question
are you asking me if i get sometimes high without smoking? getting high through conversation with pot-friend?
maybe alittlebit