My journey to clarity

[poppyseed]

Hi Kate

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I hope everything went well! I just wanted to check that you are still looking...
And you're looking with such honesty and precision — beautifully done.

If there is only the five senses plus thought, then there is nowhere else for it to be than in thought. There is a thought that says “But this still feels like a logical conclusion - like solving a math problem”, simply = thought, thinking.

Exactly! And there is no need to remember, or believe, or take stuff for granted. You can always check:
Is there anything else but the five senses and thought? What?! Look honestly!

What’s becoming clearer now is that the idea of a “decider” — someone who weighs, chooses, and acts — is being seen as thought content. You're already noticing that preferences arise, actions happen, and thoughts comment on it after the fact. Great!
Let’s explore this a little deeper.

Most of these conditions were beyond my control, except maybe the first one?
If any one of these conditions had been different, I may not be going to the retreat.
According to thought, it was in my control to choose whether I was going to South America or to the retreat.

I just wanted an example of a decision that you would normally consider that you’ve made. The point was to look entirely in thought content where cause and effect “live” and see that even there there’s no “you” making a decision. It was just one event leading to another, leading to another, with “actions” based on previous conditioning (tracing back to even before you were born). The thought “decision is made” is layered on top of other thoughts/beliefs/descriptions of what has happened before.
Why does the wind blow? It just blows. Yes we can say it happens as a result of previous events but there’s no entity “wind” that does the blowing. There is no wind that decides to blow. It’s just language.
What is “moving of the hands” in DE? We’ve seen that it’s just a sensation, labelled “hands moving” + colour/shape labelled “hands moving”.
So, what makes the sensations to appear? What makes seeing to appear? LOOK! Is there anything that causes anything to appear? Do cause and effect exist outside of thought content? Thought comes to describe that things are happening and why they are happening, but in DE things are just happening. Is the description/explanation/label needed for things to happen?

This time, it was clear what was going to happen, and then the mind chimed in with a thought that said “I am going to choose the chocolate”, and then I picked up the chocolate.

Let's take this further...
After a decision appears (e.g., “I’ll pick chocolate”), what exactly is being claimed?
Where does the sense of “I decided” come from?
Look really closely at what happens between the moment a thought arises (“I’ll take the chocolate”) and the action that follows. Can you find anything doing the choosing — or just a thought claiming ownership?
Notice how the thought “I’m going to turn my hand” doesn’t actually turn the hand. The movement just happens. Thought seems to narrate the process after the fact. Can you find any instance where the thought actually controls what happens?
Here is an interesting video on that subject:
https://vimeo.com/90101368?fbclid=IwAR3
Look:
Was the thought “I’m going to pick chocolate” even necessary for the hand to move?
If that thought hadn’t appeared — could the action still have happened?

Let yourself sink into that looking.
Also: if the thought “I decided” doesn’t show up — is anything missing? Is the body functioning? Is the experience broken in some way?
Let’s try this:
Without that thought — “I chose this” — what remains? Is anything lacking in direct experience?
Notice that everything is simply happening, unfolding without a center — no chooser, no decider, no controller. Just colour, sound, sensation, thought.
And one more to sit with:
If there’s no one to choose, no one behind the thoughts —
what is left to do, become, or fix?
You’re standing right at the edge now. Let everything be as it is. No need to jump. Just notice — there was never anyone standing there in the first place.
Love
Rali

[KatCat]

Thank you Rali!

I will answer tomorrow. When I sat down to do it this morning, there was a bug in the Forum and I couldn't access your reply. Now I am very tired.

Until tomorrow!

[KatCat]

Hi Rali!

Sorry for the delay - the LU website has been down today.

Was the thought “I’m going to pick chocolate” even necessary for the hand to move?

Not at all

If that thought hadn’t appeared — could the action still have happened?

Absolutely, yes. Things are just happening and most of the time there is not even a thought saying “I did this”, yet things are happening anyway. Petting the dog happens whether or not I think “I am petting the dog”. There is just sensation labelled “soft” and colour labelled “hand and dog”. The thought can come in afterward and very convincingly assert that “I” did something, even if the thought is saying “I did it unconsciously”, which is still claiming some kind of ownership.

What is also being noticed now are the labels coming in after the noticing of sensation, thought, sound, colour - those labels are jumping in to claim that “I noticed a sensation/thought/colour/sound”. And they are completely unnecessary, because noticing happens before the thought anyway. All the thought is doing is creating an idea of a “me” doing this practice.

Without that thought — “I chose this” — what remains? Is anything lacking in direct experience?

Hand reaching for water bottle, simply = colour, seeing + sensation, feeling
Hand picking up water bottle, simply = colour, seeing
Hand touching the water bottle, simply = sensation, feeling
Water bottle touching lips, simply = sensation, feeling
Water entering mouth, simply = sensation, feeling
Sound of water moving through the nozzle, simply = sound, hearing

Nothing is lacking in direct experience.

If there’s no one to choose, no one behind the thoughts —
what is left to do, become, or fix?

A thought comes in to say “I need to sit with this one for a while”, simply = thought, thinking.

[poppyseed]

Hi Kate,
So beautiful to read this. The clarity that’s coming through is quiet but undeniable.

Things are just happening and most of the time there is not even a thought saying ‘I did this,’ yet things are happening anyway.

Exactly. And even when the thought does come in — “I did it unconsciously,” “I noticed that,” “I chose that” — it’s still just a label slapped on top, after the fact. A narrator chiming in, trying to take ownership of what is already fully happening without a “doer.”

All the thought is doing is creating an idea of a ‘me’ doing this practice.

Yes. And that idea — that there's a “me” managing or directing the looking — is the very last thing that tends to fall away.

Sound of water moving through the nozzle, simply = sound, hearing
Nothing is lacking in direct experience.

Yes!! What follows is just: colour, sound, sensation, feeling — all already fully present and complete. No lack. No separate observer. No one needing to “get it.”

Can we come back for a moment to this:

Most of these conditions were beyond my control, except maybe the first one?
If any one of these conditions had been different, I may not be going to the retreat.

Take the “decision” to go to the retreat. It seemed to follow all these events: timing, availability, location, cancellation, etc. These sound like examples of cause and effect — this happened because that happened. But let’s really look:
Can cause and effect be found anywhere outside of thought?
Right now, in direct experience — not in the story, not in interpretation — can you find any actual cause?
Can you find any effect?
Or are both just thoughts describing what is happening right now?
Do seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, or smelling show you any chain of causes and effects —
or do they just show what is?
What happens to the idea of “Kate making a decision” if cause and effect are just concepts?

A thought comes in to say ‘I need to sit with this one for a while’, simply = thought, thinking.

Even that — the idea of needing more time, or more looking, or more practice — is just another thought. Seen clearly for what it is, it has no weight.
So if there’s no chooser, no observer, no manager or fixer — what’s left to be done?
What needs to happen now?
Love
Rali

[KatCat]

Hi Rali,

I'm going slow these days. I'm quite exhausted with the whole situation with my mom and not living at home right now.

Here is part 1. Part 2 in the morning:

Can cause and effect be found anywhere outside of thought?

No, they can’t. Like right now, there is sneezing happening, and a thought is saying “it’s because of the heating system”, but outside of thought, there is only colour, sound and sensation.

Do seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, or smelling show you any chain of causes and effects —
or do they just show what is?

They just show what is. They can’t show cause and effect because cause and effect imply time, and right here, in direct experience, time can’t be found. There is just colour, sound, sensation, smelling and tasting outside of thought.

[KatCat]

Part 2:

What happens to the idea of “Kate making a decision” if cause and effect are just concepts?

There is a contraction in the chest, simply = sensation, feeling
A thought says “this one keeps putting me in my head”, simply = thought, thinking
Breathing, simply = sensation, feeling
Sound of the ventilation system, simply = sound, hearing + label “ventilation system”
Light streaming in the windows, simply = colour, seeing + label “light”
Hands on the keyboard, simply = colour, seeing + sensation, feeling

So if there’s no chooser, no observer, no manager or fixer — what’s left to be done?
What needs to happen now?

A thought says “there is still an observer”, simply = thought, thinking.
Seeing the dining table, simply = colour, seeing
Sensation of the eyes, simply = sensation, felling + label “eyes”
Rims of glasses, simply = colour, seeing
Whisps of hair, simply = colour, seeing + label “my hair”
A thought says “I need to see thoughts”, simply = thought, thinking
Feeling the back on a cushion, simply = sensation, feeling
Seeing the couch, simply = colour, seeing
Feeling the thighs contract, simply = sensation, feeling, + label “my thighs”
Itch on the nose, simply = sensation, feeling, + label “my nose”
Feeling of the butt on the couch, simply = sensation, feeling
Sensation of tension in the face, simply = sensation, feeling + label “my face”
Seeing the keyboard, simply = colour, seeing
Seeing fingers, simply = colour, seeing + label “my fingers”
A thought that says “I need to trim my cuticles”, simply = thought, thinking
Hum in the ears, simply = sound, hearing
Feeling of feet on the stool, simply = sensation, feeling + labels “my feet” and “stool”
Finger in mouth, simply = sensation, feeling
A thought that says “I’m not there yet”, simply = thought, thinking
Scratching the chest, simply = sensation, feeling + colour, seeing + label “my chest” + thought “I am scratching”
Nostrils flaring, simply = sensation + label “my nostrils”
A thought that says “How much more should I do?”, simply = thought, thinking
Tension in the mouth, simply = sensation, feeling
Focus relaxing, simply = sensation, feeling
A thought that says “I’m zoning out”, simply = thought, thinking
Sensation of relaxing in eyes and head, simply, sensation, feeling
A thought says “this feels good”, simply = thought, thinking

[poppyseed]

Hi Kate,
You’re doing exactly what’s needed — staying close to what’s here, in a very grounded way. No rush, no pressure. Just quiet honesty.

They just show what is. They can’t show cause and effect because cause and effect imply time, and right here, in direct experience, time can’t be found.

Yes. Beautifully seen. There’s just what’s appearing — sound, sensation, colour, taste, smell, and thought. All complete, self-sufficient. No need to explain, interpret, or link events together.

A thought that says “I’m not there yet”, simply = thought, thinking
Scratching the chest, simply = sensation, feeling + colour, seeing + label “my chest” + thought “I am scratching

Can you notice that even those labels — “simply = sensation,” “label = my chest,” “thought = I am scratching” — are still thought?
Even the description of what’s happening isn’t in addition to experience — it’s more thought, appearing inside experience.
Nothing is standing outside of this trying to "see it all" — even the sense that “I am noticing sensations” is a thought, right?
So gently ask:
Right now — is there any need for interpretation or explanation?
Can this moment just be what it is — without being wrapped in a label like “mine,” “me,” or “not there yet”? Can “past” or “future” be found anywhere outside of thought?
Is anything missing now, or is “not there yet” just a future-based idea that needs time to exist?

Can any “observer” be found that is watching all this happen?
Is there anything in direct experience that says “someone is looking” or “someone is not getting it”?
Or is it only the thought about an observer that suggests that?

We did this exercise with eyes closed – the blackness exercise :). With eyes open, a world of objects appears . . . a room . . . a computer screen etc.
What you can specifically see isn't of interest here, and whatever it is, I am simply going to refer to it as 'what can be seen'.
This might be a little more tricky, but give it some consideration.
With eyes open, can you confirm that what is experienced is 'what can be seen' as I mentioned?
Is there anything else in 'seeing' other than 'what can be seen'?
Can what is witnessing 'what can be seen' be found?
Can a pair of eyes, an 'I' / 'me'/Kate/observer/any other entity be found that is seeing/witnessing 'what can be seen'?
Or is there just simply 'what can be seen' to be found?
What do you find?
Can an INHERENT SEE-ER be found?
Would anything that is suggested as the see-er, be anything other than a concept/idea/thought?

Maybe take your time with this, feel into it with softness. Keep resting in that clarity. What’s here when the commentary is allowed to pass by, ungrasped?
Love
Rali

[KatCat]

Hi Rali,

Reading your reply today, I have noticed that the way you write looks strikingly like it was written by ChatGPT. Is that the case? I admit to feeling quite unsettled by this realisation. It has been a few weeks that I have been noticing your writing style seemed rather polished, and today I noticed the tell-tale em-dashes and certain phrasings that are typical of ChatGPT. I am not sure how to proceed now. I would prefer to work with a human, otherwise I would just use ChatGPT myself.

Feeling conflicted,

Kate