Queen of Doubt

[LisaJayne]

Hi Vince,

think of the thought stream as a river that might bump into you but always flows on by you. We can't stop it, but we can divert it.

I think I might’ve got this all wrong. It seems like there’s this constant river of very negative dark thoughts that flow through my mind. It’s always there but I don’t always happen to it and I’m not necessarily aware of exactly what it’s saying. I thought that in order to heal that I needed to become aware of all those thoughts and somehow change them. I’ve actually been trying to grab onto them.😳

No, trust is still a bullshit promise about the (non-existent) future. Instead of trust, adopt a discovery mode. Be curious about what will reveal itself, without expectations

I think I need to have “be curious”tattooed on me somewhere so I can remember to flip into that mode Instead of judging and analyzing everyone and everything.

I’ve been sitting with what you said to me in the zoom meeting last Sunday. What came to me is that you are absolutely right. Depression and darkness I think was the safest place for me to go as a child. A few days ago, out of the blue, I was filled with a crippling amount of anxiety. I couldn’t drive. I realized a couple hours into it but this is what I felt throughout so much of my childhood. It was terrifying. I had forgotten how bad it was. The realization that came to me is that being quiet and depressed was the safest place for me. My mother has a lot of narcissistic tendencies so I was always seen as competition and a pain in the ass. My mother is pretty rigid in a lot of ways and left my own devices I am kind of wild, messy and creative.The quieter and smaller I could be, the better, I think.
I had to go stay in Seattle last winter for a clinical trial. I did not want to go back to Seattle and I definitely did not want to strike a deal with Pfizer. Doing that trial felt like I had made a deal with the devil. When I got back on Samish Island(where I stay when I’m in that area) I could feel the veils of darkness falling around me and part of me was panicking but there is also a really big part of me that breathed a big sigh of relief because it’s the place I know better than any other. Fuck.
On another note, Jill Bolte Taylor‘s new book is really speaking to me.
Thanks for being my guide.
♥️LJ

[vinceschubert]

Hi Lisa, i'll (probably) get to this tomorrow night. I'm travelling at the moment.

love

vince

[LisaJayne]

Hi Vince,
I love traveling. Today I have to travel to Oregon to see the oncologist. Your traveling post sparked my brain into thinking about what traveling feels like to me. I had an experience not long ago wear a lab results came in on my phone and I knew it wasn’t gonna be good. I could feel the fear rising up within me. Instead of immediately checking the results I just stood with the fear for a minute and realized it was the same feeling I feel waiting in line for a roller coaster which I then judged to be a good kind of fear even though it’s the same feeling. I am a runner and I’ve always been a gypsy. I feel freedom being on the road. I’m going to try to reframe this trip today and just be open to what happens and think of it as an adventure instead of asumimg I know it’s all going to suck. It’s not about being fake positive it’s more about just being open to whatever actually happens? 🤷🏼‍♀️Have fun on your trip and I’m going to do my best to do the same.🌞🚐🌞
♥️LJ

[vinceschubert]

'morning LJ (i like LJ),

I thought that in order to heal that I needed to become aware of all those thoughts and somehow change them. I’ve actually been trying to grab onto them.

What jumps out for me here, is the illusion of DOing. Don't "do your best" to DO anything. What we resist we make stronger.
Yes, I get that you think that grappling with them is a good way to do something about them.
Really, they aren't the problem. They are the organism's solution to something.
Sure, there is an underlying intention to not have them at some point, but they are an offering. They indicate some buried belief that is the real issue.
Now it's valuable to understand that we don't need to find any original trauma to eliminate them. The belief that stimulates them is current. Finding that is all that is required to move on. (to the next maladaptive belief)

I thought that in order to heal

This is a maladaptive way to look at it. You don't need healing!
This is not an illness. It is a conditioned reflex that has become habitual.
Under (behind/below) all of this chaos is a healthy organism. Don't worry about believing this. It is something that we will discover. Keep doing what you are doing with doctors while we make them redundant. (they are useful)

this is what I felt throughout so much of my childhood.

This is the past (now a memory) It is the residue of this that we are 'working' with.

The realization that came to me

Excellent. The realizations, the recognitions are what we are looking for. They are what will free us from habits.

I could feel the veils of darkness falling around me and part of me was panicking but there is also a really big part of me that breathed a big sigh of relief because it’s the place I know better than any other. Fuck.

Yeah, apparent paradoxes are rife in actuality.

Enjoy the oncologist, and be aware of stories about what might happen. (nothing more - just recognize)

with love

vince

[LisaJayne]

hat jumps out for me here, is the illusion of DOing. Don't "do your best" to DO anything. What we resist we make stronger.

This is such a hard one. I am doing less right now than I have ever done and I really struggle with it. I was raised in the Midwest were work ethic is king. It’s all about doing. I don’t like to keep going back to my mother but that’s where so much of my trauma lies. As I’ve said before, she had a lot of narcissistic tendencies and so it was ingrained in me that it’s all about what other people think of you. 🙄 you need to be perfect. (I went in the opposite direction)it’s her voice I hear in my head a lot. But I also realized a couple years ago that the critical voice represents the voice of God the guy. You know the Christian guy I learned about in church as a child that has the whole wrath and everything. I have this deep seeded believe that that guy hates me. I don’t recall ever really believing in him but I guess I must have at some point.

[/You don't need healing! quote]
This one I have no idea how to wrap my head around. I was born with spina bifida. I had surgery not long after birth and went septic. I spent weeks in the hospital. I was in and out of clinics as a child but nobody ever told me why. I never heard the word spina bifida until I was a teenager for my doctor. It was a bad thing and in the family I grew up and he don’t talk about bad things

I don’t ever remember not trying to heal from something. If it wasn’t something physical it was some kind of addiction or anxiety and depression. I have spent 59 years trying to get over what’s going on so I could live my life. For the past 16 I’ve been trying to biohack cancer. Fucking nuts. The crazy part is that I’ve actually managed to stay alive somehow. Something has shifted in the last couple of months. I have done all these things for self-care for years. The part of me that has been running the show was pretty rigid. I have pushed and fat hard to stay alive and it’s been horrible.

[Excellent. The realizations, the recognitions are what we are looking for. They are what will free us from habits.

this is happening more often. They seem to come from my core instead of my head? A lot of times they will come to me when I’m out in the woods. Something I didn’t understand all of a sudden makes sense or the solution to a problem will just bubble up.

Enjoy the oncologist, and be aware of stories about what might happen. (nothing more - just recognize)

Here’s the crazy part. I actually did enjoy my trip to the oncologist yesterday. I also had a dentist appointment scheduled. The dentist and the ecologist in one day. What the fuck was I thinking? I did go to the dentist appointment but I rescheduled it. It’s a 3 Hour Dr. to the oncology office. Before I left I grabbed a notebook and did a little reset.I decided to look for all the glimmers instead of all the negative stuff. Every time I saw something that made me stop for a minute or made the corners of my mouth turn up I wrote it down. Holy shit Vince! I had a great day. I sang all the way down there and back. (Usually I listen to something educational) I saw a barred owl flying overhead, swans on the Columbia gorge, I was so grateful for John Prine on the radio, the clouds in the sky, I made plans to go to the Oregon country fair, I laughed with the workers at the cancer clinic, I made friends with a beautifully tattooed barista… it was amazing! I didn’t cross over into the land of Oz but I felt like Who I really am got to come forward if that makes any sense? Any time fear or negativities would come up i did the laugh thing.it really works!

I woke up this morning and the dark voice was back. It took me a little bit to remember to come in to my senses. I couldn’t stay there so I got up and came outside and that helped. I’m going to carry the notebook around with me again today and keep looking for other glimmers. For some reason I seem to be able to take them in better if I write them down.

[vinceschubert]

Goor evening LJ,

Don't "do your best" to DO anything.

This is such a hard one. I am doing less right now than I have ever done and I really struggle with it.

Hmm, this is a bit tricky. Doing less is still doing.
A great koan is "how do we do not doing, without doing?"
We need to 'go back' a little to investigate this.
The notion of doing is just that, a notion. It's a concept that covers the arising of intention followed by an outcome that is a reflection of that intention.
So, let's start with the intention. No, wait. Let's start with thoughts.
Do you know what your next thought will be?
Can you control your thoughts? Here's a test. Don't think of a Zebra.
Were you able not to imagine a Zebra?
Why do particular thoughts happen? It's triggers.
Circumstances trigger thoughts to arise. Watch this in real life.
You see a glass and thinking of drinking happens. etc.
So circumstances stimulate a thought of doing something (an intention) then without conscious awareness you move towards fulfilling that intention. (or resist it - same thing)
If everything lines up and the intention gets fulfilled, you imagine that you did it and the illusion of DOing is strengthened.
So when I say don't DO anything and don't DO not doing either, I'm inviting you to witness things happening with or without force.
On your drive yesterday, I imagine that there were significant periods where you didn't think of steering the vehicle, yet it still happened. Of course, afterward you would say "I drove...", but really driving happened.

it was ingrained in me that it’s all about what other people think of you.

Do you still think this?

You don't need healing!

This one I have no idea how to wrap my head around.

yes, I know it's a big one. Even huge, but I invite you to sit still for a moment and ask yourself "right now, right here, is there anything wrong with THIS. With what you are feeling. With what life is offering right now?
Not in thought stories. Not in medical journals. Not in others opinions. Just right here, right now. Is there anything wrong?
What you consider to be wrong with you are the very things that have brought you to this.

I have spent 59 years trying to get over what’s going on so I could live my life.

It was your life. It is your life. (where's that notebook?)

this is happening more often. They seem to come from my core instead of my head? A lot of times they will come to me when I’m out in the woods. Something I didn’t understand all of a sudden makes sense or the solution to a problem will just bubble up.

Excellent. That core is a great source of intuition.

I woke up this morning and the dark voice was back. It took me a little bit to remember to come in to my senses.

Yes, we have a lot of habit to lose. You will get better and better at it.
..and those dark times, celebrate them as reminders and opportunities to move.

with love

vince

[LisaJayne]

[/qu Just right here, right now. Is there anything wrong? ote]
Good morning Vince,
it’s early here and North Idaho and I am sitting on the deck. I did what you said and just sat with being here right now and there’s absolutely nothing wrong. I’m watching squirrels jump through all the trees. The woods are still alive. The birds are beautiful and I’m surrounded by flowers I planted here on the deck.my body feels “settled”.
I just had a thought that since I don’t know how to feel safe inside I look for safety outside of me. This led me to this whole stream/realization? Of being here in North Idaho. I think this might be important so I wanted to write my thoughts down to you.
Last winter I moved my little trailer up to Samish Island in Washington to stay withan old friend (who has of gone off the deep end). I was started the trial with The Devil in Seattle. It was the holiday season (which I always crash and burn in ever since I can remember), I started in on the trial which meant I was spending 12 hours a day in the hospital sometimes being their Guinea pig which is my biggest fear, and then I got Covid. The Covid really messed with my brain. I had a headache for over a month. I thought I had brain Mets. I kept telling the doctors that what was going on felt like Epstein-Barr being triggered but different. I had side effects from the drugs but they were separate from this other thing that was going on but no one believed me. I finally convinced them to do an antibody test and they were through the roof a month later. (The doctors Did that thing that my family always did… Because I was right and they were wrong I got really pissed at me) 🤷‍♀️On top of all that we were having a really harsh winter and My living situation was tough. I had no support.
A good friend of mine in Idaho convinced me to just leave my trailer there and come and stay with her and her family. I came over here last January. I thought it would just be for a month or so until I got it back together.I would have never chosen freely come back here. North Idaho very strange place these days. In the last three years there’s been this influx of wealthy “patriots”. I am living in the suburbs surrounded by people that Still believe Donald Trump is president.Everyone has white skin. I’ve kind of got that dirty hippie thing going on these days so this is a strange environment for me to be in.
The weird thing is is that it has been really nurturing. My friend and her family have made me feel like they’re my family now. They say it to me all the time. My friend Jen and I are like Thelma and Louise.( I’m Thelma). She is a super clean freak. She’s so incredibly organized which is something I’ve never been able to understand. I have a rez dog who rolls in the mud daily and sheds. She has no problem with him being on her brand new couch which shows me how much she loves me. Her whole family lives here in town and they are include me in everything now. I am very different from them but they celebrate my differences and think they’re awesome instead of criticizing me. I never in a million years would’ve made the choice to come here on my own. I came here out of desperation and it’s like the universe has put me in a situation where I’m being “re-familied”. There is no pressure to do anything.
I have always been a runner but that deep voice inside of me is just saying stay. Stay and see what happens.
PS. I started my list this morning and you are the second thing on it. I really appreciate your willingness to be there for me. It means a lot.❤️ First thing on it was my friend’s little dog was peeing on my flowers and the sprinkler system went off on him. It was pretty funny.
❤️LJ

[vinceschubert]

'evening LJ,

t’s early here and North Idaho and I am sitting on the deck. I did what you said and just sat with being here right now and there’s absolutely nothing wrong.

This is what I mean about healing. You (whatever that is) are perfect as you are. Sure, the body could be more efficient, but you are not that body. Are you? (please answer every ?)

I don’t know how to feel safe inside

feeling safe is just as much an illusion as feeling not safe.
Remember that a feeling is a sensation plus stories. How are we going learning to separate the two?

This led me to this whole stream/realization? Of being here in North Idaho. I think this might be important so I wanted to write my thoughts down to you.

I love realizations. They are what changes lives.

My friend and her family have made me feel like they’re my family now.

Excellent. Family is valuable and it doesn't have to be the birth family. Our zoom group tomorrow is like family to me.

see you I about 8 hours...

much love

vince

[LisaJayne]

Sure, the body could be more efficient, but you are not that body. Are you? (please answer every ?)

Keeping this body alive it’s like my biggest addiction. This is a really big one for me. I woke up immediately thinking about my latest health glitches in my brain went into overdrive trying to figure out how to fix them. I caught myself and laughed. I didn’t I had this realization life has been this quest to heal my body. I went to school and became a nurse. I think the hidden drive behind that wants to try to fix me. Nursing school and working as a nurse were really traumatizing for me. For-profit medical system here is kind of evil. There are great people that work in it but the but the bottom line is not healthy humans, it’s the almighty dollar. I then went on to get a masters degree and Acupunture and then enrolled in functional medical school. I’m taking a break right now from that because I couldn’t stomach the way it was being taught. It’s all about money. It’s worse than our conventional system. It’s like I’ve dedicated my life to keeping this body alive so realizing that it’s not who I am and I’m completely separate from It is BIG. I think I’m subconsciously hanging on pretty strong maybe?
Whoah. This thought just popped into my head that another reason I have got to stay alive is because when I was first diagnosed with cancer my children were really young. If I died I would’ve had to go live with my family of origin. There was no fucking way. Now I’m sitting here sobbing.🤷‍♀️
[quote eeling safe is just as much an illusion as feeling not safe.
Remember that a feeling is a sensation plus stories. How are we going learning to separate the two?][/quote]
One thing that I’ve realized in the last couple weeks is that I now think in words. When I was younger I thought in pictures. I turn the words into big stories that I told over and over in my head. There’s so many of them.That was better. I am really out of touch with feelings. I realize this last week that I have shut out all the good. Writing down the glimmers has been amazing. It’s like it’s waking something up inside me? This might be tricky because I don’t want to try to “do” this. All those pathways in my brain I like a bowl of spaghetti. I am so identified with all of the trauma. Shit. It’s like this warrior person that has taken over and I WILL SURVIVE THROUGH ANYTHING NO MATTER WHAT. It’s like it’s a part of me that’s not really me if that makes any sense?

[LisaJayne]

Good morning Vince,
I hit the submit button before I was done. I wanted to answer this question too.

it was ingrained in me that it’s all about what other people think of you.
Do you still think this?

The answer is yes. The conditioning on this one was HUGE. I could never live up to my mothers standards so I rebelled. I have not lived a lot of my life in a “conventional way”. People have always described me as a free spirit and or they would say I march to the beat of my own drummer etc. I Was taught as a child who I was was not OK. I needed to confirm. I needed to live up to society standards and because I could never really do that there’s so much shame.
I have to say this is gotten much better over the last couple of years but it is still there. Even when I’m doing right here writing to you.I’m dumping all the bat shit crazy in my brain on this forum to you for everyone to see. There’s a part of me that cringes a little bit but the bigger part of me knows that I’ve got nothing to lose at this point and who fucking cares really.
Yesterday I volunteered at a pride festival. My youngest child is trans. This has been a tough one for me. I’m always had lots of gay friends ever since I can remember but this whole trans thing is new to me. I fully support anybody who truly feels they were born into the wrong body. People should be allowed to be whoever they want to be.To be honest though, when it comes to my kid. deep down I kind of think it’s trendy bullshit. He went to Evergreen College which used to be the liberal hippie school but is now in the LGBTQ school. Every single person in his friend group flipped their gender in the four years they were there. Everyone of them. I love my child to the moon and back and I have no idea how to navigate this. I’ve been trying to volunteer and hang in the community to understand better. So yesterday I darn my Stevie Nicks festival hat with pride colored flowers, put on a rainbow tutu and went and helped at the festival. The whole pride thing is actually kind of dangerous here in North Idaho. Last year the festival made national news because a U-Haul truck full of men with guns were caught before they could unload.
I am rambling on here and normally I would’ve gone back and erased out of this but you told me not to edit so I won’t. After the festival I had a couple of errands to run in Coeur d’Alene and I did them sporting my costume covered in Pride buttons with a rainbow unicorn tattooed on my face. I had some moments of self-consciousness but they weren’t very big.
Being able to separate from this completely would be amazing.
Since I’m dumping all my shit out here I should also add that I am estranged from my youngest trans child right now. She went on a horror moans a little over a year ago. The cancer I have is hormone dependent. We share the same genetics. My fear went through the roof. I’ve been very vocal about how I feel about that it has separated us.
I just had a thought that part of it is keeping me from going through that gate is a whole spiritual bypassing thing. So many people in my life have used “being spiritual “ to get away with some really bad shit.I don’t want to do that. There’s that were do again. 🙄
I’m really looking forward to seeing you in a few hours.
❤️LJ

[LisaJayne]

Hey Vince… Me again. I just took the dogs out to the woods for a while. It was beautiful. I paid attention to all the glimmers iand there are sonmany out there. I was picking flowers along the trail to put in my tea later which just fills me with these blips of joy. . I love wildcrafting. How long the hike I vacillated between being in the moment and then having all these stories of my past come up in my head. It’s like I’m remembering all these past events but seeing it in a different light. Instead of she made myself for whatever happened I am being given understanding and I feel all this compassion for myself. It’s different from the victim stuff I usually feel. We got back To the truck and all of a sudden this voice came into my head saying oh no, if you reach that place that you are seeking you will die. You are not allowed to feel good things. You have to carry everyone’s pain… it’s your job. What the fuck? And then this wave came over me, came up to the bottom of my body and kind of rushed through through my head. I started to sob. I think I carry this deep belief that if I feel any kind of joy and happiness God the guy will swoop in, kill me and I will live in eternal darkness like I deserve. Where the fuck did that come from? Yikes.🦇💩

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Lisa, it was a bummer that I ran out of data this morning, before I got to talk with you.

Keeping this body alive it’s like my biggest addiction.

It's not your job to keep your body alive. Living or dying, being healthy or not all happens in spite of any effort you bring to the table.
You watch, give up the attempt to do this and your body will respond appropriately anyway. You've already taught it how to do that.

This is a really big one for me. I woke up immediately thinking about my latest health glitches in my brain went into overdrive trying to figure out how to fix them

..and of course, this is really stressful for the body. Hmm, not good.

I went to school and became a nurse. I think the hidden drive behind that wants to try to fix me.

yes, funny (not haha funny) how life does this kind of thing.

One thing that I’ve realized in the last couple weeks is that I now think in words. When I was younger I thought in pictures. I turn the words into big stories that I told over and over in my head.

This is big. It's a major step on the 'path'. It's how you recognize the damage you did to yourself in the past.

I am really out of touch with feelings.

As you get in touch with feelings again you might feel overwhelmed from time to time. Just remember that it's like an exorcism. Better out than in.

I am so identified with all of the trauma. Shit. It’s like this warrior person that has taken over and I WILL SURVIVE THROUGH ANYTHING NO MATTER WHAT. It’s like it’s a part of me that’s not really me if that makes any sense?

Yes, it makes perfect sense. The self is a suit of armour. That warrior woman can start to relax and enjoy the scenery.

so I rebelled. I have not lived a lot of my life in a “conventional way”.

Ha, I can relate to this. Us weirdos recognized how fucked up the world was (is) even as a young child.

I fully support anybody who truly feels they... whatever.

Yes, we can only support our kids as they experiment with an identity. Only after they are strong in it can we help them shed the skin of conformity (or whatever)

I just had a thought that part of it is keeping me from going through that gate is a whole spiritual bypassing thing. So many people in my life have used “being spiritual “ to get away with some really bad shit.I don’t want to do that.

Oh, we won't do that.
i only got to listen to a little of this mornings meetup after I left, but the bit here Paul said that this stuff isn't really spiritual. That it's societal was really good.

whatever happened I am being given understanding and I feel all this compassion for myself.

This also is really big. Boy, you are on a roller coaster. i love it.
Go girl!

with much love

vince

[LisaJayne]

Good Morning Vince,
I got really triggered at the meeting yesterday. I have spent a lot of time over the years in different types of metaphysical groups etc. When the concept of “we create our own reality” comes up, I just tank. I could feel my body sinking during the conversation. It’s like this veil of darkness drops down and I can literally feel. I spent the rest of the day fighting the voice in my head telling me that if I created this reality and I’m a monster. I tried to run from it all day. I spent the rest of the day gardening which I normally love but it was a chore. I made up this big story. I decided that Non-duality is not for me. I’m too undeserving blah blah blah. The resistance to it all was big. I tried to just stay with what I was feeling without attaching any kind of story to it but all those fix me alarms were going off like tsunami sirens on the coast. 😳
[It's not your job to keep your body alive. Living or dying, being healthy or not all happens in spite of any effort you bring to the table./quote]
This is interesting. Just 15 minutes ago I was snuggling with my dog on the bed while I was waking up. The Pacific Northwest has come alive and there is tons of pollen in the air. It must be bothering his eyes because I was watching him lick his paws and then wipe his eyes. I had the thought that he just instinctively knows how to take care of himself. He doesn’t go to the library, get on Google and research for hours…he just does it. I learn so much from animals. Speaking of which I had kind of an interesting experience early this morning. I was laying in bed around four as it was just starting to get light out. My bed is next a big window that looks out on the street. A Giant cat was walking down the middle of the road. I was just laying there watching it and it sensed me and stopped and stared Right at me for like five minutes. I could feel some kind of connection. I would love to attach some kind of meaning to it but I’m just gonna go with …it was pretty cool.
I have kind of felt like I’m a roller coaster this week. I’m going up the hill and seeing all the beauty and feeling light. And then down we go …holy shit it’s super scary and then the next day we go up and I feel lighter and it’s fun. 🤷‍♀️🎢 🦇
I also want to add that I’m feeling all these shifts and changes which is a little disconcerting. I normally eat really healthy. I go through phases of detoxing and juicing, you know all the things. Then when it’s all too much I will binge and drink margaritas and have a cheeseburger and fries chastise myself and get back on the path. Lately that’s all gone out the window. The healthy foods I normally eat make me feel kind of nauseous. I realize I’m wanting to eat kid food. I want chicken fingers and french fries and ice cream and cookies. I’m compromising with the different parts of myself and allowing myself to eat what I want so I’m making myself healthier versions of kid food and just going with it.

One thing that I’ve realized in the last couple weeks is that I now think in words. When I was younger I thought in pictures. I turn the words into big stories that I told over and over in my head.
This is big. It's a major step on the 'path'. It's how you recognize the damage you did to yourself in the past.

]
Yeah, I’m realizing I’m just beating the shit out of myself my whole life because of all the shame I was raised with. It’s a fucking miracle that this body still exists. It’s not my doing. I’ve had so many friends in cancerland that were way more rigidwith all of their protocols and so much healthier mentally. They’ve all died. I’m the last man standing. (Boy did this just bring up a wave).

As you get in touch with feelings again you might feel overwhelmed from time to time. Just remember that it's like an exorcism. Better out than in.

Linda Blair has nothing on me, trust me on this one. 🧟‍♀️🤮

This also is really big. Boy, you are on a roller coaster. i love it.

I have been answering you as I’m going along reading this and I had already written about the roller coaster before I read this last part 😀
It’s so interesting. I have landed in the situation staying with my friends which is so awesome. The whole family just pretty much loves on me. I’ve been here since January and there’s been no stress or drama whatsoever. (Well, Archie the little dog was kind of a bully when we moved him and really pissed at my dog Dez but I’ve been working on him). I don’t have to do anything.
Archie the dog has been interesting. Hes little spoiled Floof who only left the house once a week to get a blowout before we got here. He smelled like perfume. After the snow melted I started taking him out into the woods with us. I have been trying to watch the world through his eyes. When we’re out there I can sense both fear and wonder in him. I try to see things how he does. Imagine that being that little and coming across a horse for the first time. I even let him roll in coyote poop just for the experience of it. It’s all so new to him. Sometimes he shakes and I have to hold him. He also had to get sheared like a sheep from all the mats. He definitely does not smell like perfume anymore.
When I had that cardiac event my friends were all out of town it happened around sunrise. After about 20 minutes I reluctantly called 911. The house was flooded with seven EMTs. My dog was making friends with all of them looking for biscuits. Archie jumped up on me and started growling ,snarling and snapping and wouldn’t let them near me. They were trying to do an EKG but he was just shaking like a leaf and lunging at them to protect me. One of the EMTs picked him up and Arch bit him in the palm of his hand. The poor guy was bleeding all over but laughing thank God. Archie and I have been totally bonded ever since. He’s my Will Smith. I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone to protect me like that.🤣
❤️LJ
I wanted to add one more thing. It’s another dog story. When we were in the woods yesterday I looked over at Archie and he was in the tall grass. There are the swirls of smoke around him and I stopped in my tracks and felt this fear. The year that I was diagnosed with cancer I think I told you was when all the fear and trauma came up to the surface. It was absolutely overwhelming. That’s when I started having experiences. This is gonna sound really bad shit but my grandfather came to me. I didn’t see him but I heard his voice in my head. It was separate from mine.( I just figured I’d add schizophrenic to the list of shit that was wrong with me). He was really comforting and told me I was not going to die but I needed to learn to love myself. I saw a vision of myself as a baby strapped to a board in the hospital struggling. I thought I had completely lost my mind. The fear I’ve been carrying for a month dissipated. He still had it but it was much smaller and I was able to function better.Funny thing is the big fat tumor I had on my liver disappeared. I had stage four cancer and I walked away from the medical system for eight years. During those months after that I started seeing auras around people. Swirls of colors and all kinds of stuff. One day I was at the zoo and I saw this young mom and are these black swirls of smoke or coming out of her. It was really scary and I shut it all down. What I saw around Archie yesterday he just swirls of pollen being released from him being in the tall grass but I didn’t realize that at first. It was interesting that this blip of fear stopped me in my tracks.

[vinceschubert]

Hi LJ,

I got really triggered at the meeting yesterday. I have spent a lot of time over the years in different types of metaphysical groups etc. When the concept of “we create our own reality” comes up, I just tank.

Oh wow Lisa, I'm sad that I wasn't there to help you explore this.
To say "we create our own reality" is a simplistic notion.
It ignores several other compelling actualities. Like choice, decisions, intentions, responsibility are also no more than concepts. We don't have control over any of this. So "we" don't create anything called reality.
What actually exists is a result of everything that has ever happened since the beginning of existence itself. The more recent influencers are conditions that have shaped several generations before we came into existence.
Now it might appear that we can do something to alter what we find as our present circumstances, but even this is much more complex than can be grasped by our minds.
After attempting to change myself for almost 76years, I am now immersed in what I believe to be the most direct way of achieving this, but it is by no means direct. We are still playing with conditions (circumstances) and as those vary greatly for everybody, there is no cut and dried method that works.

I decided that Non-duality is not for me.

i just did some quick research and since I started guiding in 2011 (about 8 weeks after 'waking up') I have worked with 225 seekers. i rested from guiding for 2 years 2017 - 2019. Of that 225 I worked with 70 woke up at LU. Now this is big: the ones that didn't were the ones that quit. i will never give up while ever you persist.

with love

vince

[LisaJayne]

Good Mornin’ Vince,

To say "we create our own reality" is a simplistic notion.
It ignores several other compelling actualities. Like choice, decisions, intentions, responsibility are also no more than concepts. We don't have control over any of this. So "we" don't create anything called reality.
What actually exists is a result of everything that has ever happened since the beginning of existence itself. The more recent influencers are conditions that have shaped several generations before we came into existence.
Now it might appear that we can do something to alter what we find as our present circumstances, but even this is much more complex than can be grasped by our minds.

When I read this I felt this “release” happen in my body. I never realized how big this one was for me. After I left the meeting they talked about Paul Heddermans . I love Paul Hedderman. Here’s the thing…..Paul Heddermans crazy life before waking up has got nothing on mine. My therapist told me last week that most people that have had experienced what I have don’t live this long Which makes total sense to me. So many of the people I hung out with and loved especially in my younger days have overdosed or died from some kind of other. tragedy.
I think you’re right that I wear all this trauma as a defense. (I just got a vision in my head of a Girl Scout sash with patches all over it of all the different events I’ve survived). 🙄 People have been telling me for decades that I just need to change my thinking. I need to manifest better.Be Greatful. Be positive. All this ever did was push me deeper into the darkness. I would really like to punch Joe Dispenza in the face. Thank you so much for your explanation.

I decided that Non-duality is not for me.

This was just a fleeting victim-y thought. It didn’t stick around long. I should’ve been a little clearer. To be honest, I read your post and when I tried to reply. I couldn’t login. I just type the password in wrong but I had this moment of panic. My body felt that kind of shocking stinking jolt.Within a split second I thought went to crazytown. I spun out this whole story out where I was going to get pushed out of the group because I’m just too bat shit. To be honest it feels like there is no where else for me to go but the land of Non-duality whether I want to go there or not. When I got triggered on Sunday after I left the meeting I was trying to find a place to escape to.I’m the queen of distractions but none of them really seem to work very well anymore.
I don’t trust many humans but I trust you. It’s kind of an instinctive thing.Thanks for being there.
❤️❤️❤️LJ