so tired of seeking

[Lubo]

Hi dear Ursula,

How are you?

Love
Lubo

[mischa]

How are you?

So frustrated as I just spend a long time writing you an answer and it has been erased as I must have pressed the wrong button?
Did you not get my answer to your first test to me yesterday?

I am close to giving up this journey after 12 years of getting nowhere...now I even can't sit long as thoughts just take over when i want to connect with Being........
I can't afford to join your monthly sessions......I'm a senior on a limited budget where any extra money goes for my natural cancer treatments ( vitamins, lab tests etc. )

Don't know why I still am so stuck even thought i have had excellent teachers and guides and I have been given such amazing insights etc but I still live in agony with these thoughts....

[Lubo]

Ooo, Ursula,
You are absolutely pure and innocent.
I am with you, you are not alone in this journey.
You will get as many guides as you need, you are worthy to get all This.

So frustrated as I just spend a long time writing you an answer and it has been erased as I must have pressed the wrong button?
Did you not get my answer to your first test to me yesterday?

No, I didn't. I am sorry about that. I can share a little trick.
When I'm done with the txt and before I click the "Preview" or "Submit" button,
I mark the whole text and then with the right button of the mouse I "copy" the txt
and if something goes wrong with the buttons I have the txt on the memory of the computer and I can "paste" the txt again if it is needed.
I hope this will help you ,

I am close to giving up this journey after 12 years of getting nowhere...now I even can't sit long as thoughts just take over when i want to connect with Being........

Ok, I understand. I hear you.
Thoughts are so noisy.
Don't fight with them.

Notice what they come for?
What is it that they say is so scary that they want to protect you?
What is it that you think you fear the most? And they have always been afraid?
Look at it and notice is it really so scary and you cannot look at it?
Look at it and notice is it really that scary? Notice as you watch it, does something so terrible happen?

Much love
Lubo

[mischa]

Ok, I understand. I hear you.
Thoughts are so noisy.
Don't fight with them.

Notice what they come for?
What is it that they say is so scary that they want to protect you?
What is it that you think you fear the most? And they have always been afraid?
Look at it and notice is it really so scary and you cannot look at it?
Look at it and notice is it really that scary? Notice as you watch it, does something so terrible happen?

Thank you Lubo for your loving and encouraging words!
Yes, When I watch my thoughts, I see that they are always worried about something....

The thoughts are full of "what ifs" and that to me is scary because the thoughts make the consequences appear negative or bad..

I think what I fear the most is death....any hint that my health is getting worse or that the cancer might be spreading, causes my stomach to go into knots and my chest to tighten and then fearful feelings overtake me.....

Yes since I was a little girl, I was always afraid of the Devil and Hell and burning in Hell because of my strict Baptist religion which I left many years ago......I don't believe in all that nonsense anymore but somehow the thought of not being here anymore is scary...I worry about how my children will suffer and miss me when I am gone......

When I look more closely, I see that the thoughts are all concerned about the future...they are warning me about something terrible that would make my life worse, like running out of money, my children moving far away, my children running out of money or getting sick, the recession that is coming, all the poor people that are losing their jobs causing more poverty, causing more crime.....

On closer look I can see how repetitive these thoughts are....I also realize how many years these types of thoughts have been ruling me and yet those bad things that they warn me of or predict might happen, have never happened...so that all that worrying was for nothing....
My mind/thoughts ( I know I shouldnt use 'my' but use 'the' instead to create distance but they still feel like MY thoughts) still have so much power over me even though I can see they are randomly coming and going.....even though the scary things arent always so scary ( for example for years I used to worry that my marriage would break up and i would be alone.....well it happened and it was so painful but now I realize what a blessing that it happened as I was in an abusive relationship and didn't even realize it! ) So now looking back , what I feared might happen, did happen and it was actually a good thing in the end.....

[Lubo]

Hi dear Ursula,
Thank you for the honest sharing, it touch my hard.

I will pin-point this one if you don't mind.

Yes, When I watch my thoughts, I see that they are always worried about something....
The thoughts are full of "what ifs" and that to me is scary because the thoughts make the consequences appear negative or bad..

Yes, thoughts are disturbing because the focus is only on one part of reality, the one that moves, that appears, right?
Notice all this called life, this is only the half part of you, playing part.

But notice the second part, notice that everything which appear is known?
Notice is there anything which is not known, look around, colours, sensations, thoughts, movements...?
Notice also that live appears NOW right?
NOW appear as life, as what appear, right?
This is what you are looking for.

You are at your home NOW, Notice that life appear but NOW just is?
You are NOW, Ursula is NOW's energy, your energy wich appear as women, as Lobo, as look around :)
You are at home already. You are NOW

What is coming when you reflect on this?

Much love
NowLuboUrsula :)

[mischa]

But notice the second part, notice that everything which appear is known?
Notice is there anything which is not known, look around, colours, sensations, thoughts, movements...?
Notice also that live appears NOW right?
NOW appear as life, as what appear, right?
This is what you are looking for.

You are at your home NOW, Notice that life appear but NOW just is?
You are NOW, Ursula is NOW's energy, your energy wich appear as women, as Lobo, as look around :)
You are at home already. You are NOW

What is coming when you reflect on this?

When I first read all your words, it was a WOW as if you just told me some amazing secret...and then thoughts started like "oh you're close now..you're going to get it" and then the thoughts starting fighting with other thoughts like ' no you're not supposed to have any expectations...just let it go..."

So I kept reading and rereading your words even though sometimes their meaning appeared clear and then thoughts would get mixed up and confused when I tried to look more closely at my experience.....
I know in my heart that with these words you have cut right to the core of Truth, of what I am looking for....that these words are enough....but then thoughts are asking why don't I get it? why don't I shift into total understanding when I read your words.....I know it is so true when you say that I AM HOME ALREADY...I AM NOW.......I have heard and read those words before many times.......and that should be enough to wake me up....so why is it not happening?

[Lubo]

oo, so sweet.
Yes you know already the truth.

I have heard and read those words before many times.......and that should be enough to wake me up....so why is it not happening?

Notice that this is not happening only in thoughts story :)

Don't fight with them, just move attention to fact that there is NOW,
notice Does the NOW is sensation or thoughts?
Or the sensation and the thought appears in the NOW?

Love
Lubo

[mischa]

Don't fight with them, just move attention to fact that there is NOW,
notice Does the NOW is sensation or thoughts?
Or the sensation and the thought appears in the NOW?

This NOW discussion is hitting some deep chord inside here....I know there is so much Truth here and I want to examine this more closely as I take the NOW for granted all the time....
I need to go over this again:
Life appears NOW
NOW appears as life
NOW appears as what appears
NOW is what I am looking for
NOW is my home
I am NOW
Ursula is NOW's energy
Sensations and Thoughts appear in the NOW .....everything can only appear in the NOW ( NOW does not appear in sensations or thoughts....hmmm now thoughts are telling me that NOW appears in everything...does that mean that everything appears in the NOW and the NOW appears in everything?...now I am getting confused again......

[Lubo]

Hi dear Ursula,

This NOW discussion is hitting some deep chord inside here....I know there is so much Truth here and I want to examine this more closely as I take the NOW for granted all the time....

Yes, exactly. Notice imagination I Ursula, this energy, image - is it posible this imagined character to imagine?
Imagine Santa, Imagine Ursula - are they can imagine or they are imagination?
What if you are NOW, you are imagination itself which is imagining that is Ursula?
Notice the sentence even shows this "I am Ursula" There is I (now, This)which is Ursula :)
Don't believe me check, without imagination who is singing (sing a song please and notice doe's the imagined Ursula can sing?)?

Love,
l.

[mischa]

Hi Lubo,
Thank you for getting back to me so quickly .....It helps me in my lostness....today I woke up again just before 4 am and since I can never fall back to sleep, again my thoughts were tormenting me with so many things to do until my alarm rang at 6 am....another day of exhaustion...ok I know this is just a story....but am stuck in that story of never sleeping enough......always soooo tired.....

Imagine Santa, Imagine Ursula - are they can imagine or they are imagination?

I can imagine Santa in my thoughts and I can imagine Ursula...although when I imagine Santa, I see him as a separate person..a made up character.....whereas when I imagine Ursula, I see myself sitting here in bed, typing on my laptop...it feels like ME...

Santa is pure imagination and so Santa cannot imagine as he is a fake image....
Somehow I can't say the same thing about Ursula even though I know you are saying that Ursula is also pure imagination and so Ursula cannot imagine either..
It feels like Ursula is doing the imagining because Ursula doesn't seem far away like Santa..Ursula feels so close as though the thoughts that are coming seem to be coming from her mind....from ME sitting here in bed....

What if you are NOW, you are imagination itself which is imagining that is Ursula?
Notice the sentence even shows this "I am Ursula" There is I (now, This)which is Ursula :)

Hmm I'm trying to imagine that I am NOW...I'm trying to imagine that I am imagination and that I am imagining Ursula...I've been sitting here with my eyes closed trying to imagine this for over 15 mins...but it still feels like I am Ursula...even though you are giving me excellent pointers!!!
I don't understand how the sentence shows this "I am Ursula"?

Don't believe me check, without imagination who is singing (sing a song please and notice doe's the imagined Ursula can sing?)?

When I start singing I am aware that the lips are moving, sound is coming from deep inside, and it feels like I, Ursula , am singing....but looking more deeply in my experience here, I see that imagination is needed to find the words of the song...

You ask, 'can the imagined Ursula sing?' Well if Ursula is imagined, then just like Santa, no she can't sing...but because I still feel like the Ursula is real....it does feel like Ursula is singing....
I'm sorry...you are giving me such wonderful pointers....and yet I still don't get it!!!

[Lubo]

Hi dear Ursula,

again my thoughts were tormenting me with so many things to do until my alarm rang at 6 am....another day of exhaustion...ok I know this is just a story....but am stuck in that story of never sleeping enough......always soooo tired.....

Notice that these thoughts is you imagining that Ursula character which has to do so many things, ursula which needs to be advised, rule and punished, can you see this?
Notice what you are imagine, who is reading this?
Move your palm up and down, notice what are imagine who is doing this? :)

but because I still feel like the Ursula is real....it does feel like Ursula is singing....

Notice what you are imagine :)
"I am Ursula and now I am going to sing" - can you see this?

Love
Lubo

[mischa]

I just love your pointers dear Lubo.......

Notice that these thoughts is you imagining that Ursula character which has to do so many things, ursula which needs to be advised, rule and punished, can you see this?
Notice what you are imagine, who is reading this?
Move your palm up and down, notice what are imagine who is doing this? :)

What first hit me is that YOU and THAT URSULA CHARACTER are not the same entity...so now I am seeing the the IMAGINING is being done not by Ursula but by the YOU ( which is I or True Self....) That opened a crack in the door.....
But now thoughts are coming and asking why would the YOU/TRUE SELF imagine all that? Maybe they are just random thoughts and have nothing to do with TRUE SELF????

when you say "Notice what you are imagine"...do you mean "Notice what you are imagining?'
It feels like I am reading this in my head.....so who is that? That voice in the head feels like Ursula but in fact,I know it is just made of random thoughts right?

Not sure what you mean when you say "Notice what are imagine"? Do you mean " Notice who is imagining"?
When I move my palm up and down, it feels like Ursula is controlling that hand movement and giving orders......but the more I do the motion, the more I see that it's like the hand just does it on its own.....

but because I still feel like the Ursula is real....it does feel like Ursula is singing....
Notice what you are imagine :)
"I am Ursula and now I am going to sing" - can you see this?

Again Lubo , I don't fully understand your use ( or maybe the form or spelling ) of the word 'imagine"....I feel that maybe you mean 'imagining"?...Do you mean to say that in order for me to "sing", I must first imagine that I am Ursula and then tell myself that I am going to sing?

[Lubo]

I just love your pointers dear Lubo.......

:) I love you :)

What first hit me is that YOU and THAT URSULA CHARACTER are not the same entity.

Yes, the entity is invented by you.
yes imagining - sorry about my English

It feels like I am reading this in my head.

YES!
All this is you, your imagination. look around do you like it? :)
move your hand - this appears in your imagination in your conciseness
There is only you :)
What is coming?

[mischa]

thank you dear Lubo for getting back to me so quickly....yes I need that continuity....

All this is you, your imagination. look around do you like it? :)
move your hand - this appears in your imagination in your conciseness
There is only you :)
What is coming?

What is coming to me when I read this is a feeling of unrealness.....a feeling like "can this really be true" "yes I have heard this before but it just doesn't sink in deep enough"...and "wouldnt that be great! Then there would be nothing or no one to be afraid of "
So now I am trying to imagine that THERE IS ONLY ME ....I get a feeling of dissolving into something....and also of expanding outward...both at the same time.....more unrealness feelings......

When you say "There is only you", do you mean ME or I as in Consciousness or Awareness or Beingness...
When I repeat the words "There is only you" they are being repeated inside my head or in my thoughts....so who is saying these words...they're only thoughts right? but If there is ONLY ME...then I/CONSCIOUNESS is saying the words....
So then, who is moving my hand? It is appearing in consciousness, like everything else....but if there is only ME/I......then I am everything ....Hmmm yes Ive heard that before too..but maybe not so direct....just hard to believe or take in....

I think you need to hit me over the head with a hammer for me to get it!!!! I'm slow...

[Lubo]

Nice :)

I think you need to hit me over the head with a hammer for me to get it!!!! I'm slow...

Here it is the hammer:

When I repeat the words "There is only you" they are being repeated inside my head or in my thoughts....so who is saying these words...they're only thoughts right? but If there is ONLY ME...then I/CONSCIOUNESS is saying the words..

Mind doesn't know what's going on.
Mind say "There is you in the body, then say "All these is you"
But notice is there anyone in the body?"
or there is only This?
Notice hand - this is someone or this is THIS?
Os there someone which is mind?
Does, the mind rules THIS or This appears as thoughts about THIS?
Is there an I in thoughts, in mind, or in THIS ?
Ursula is the name of This which appear as women or the name of someone separate from This which living in the head? :)

Love
Lubo