Breaking through the sense of self

[ConnyS]

Hi Atmajnani,

Is your mental belief in a self called Conny weakening?

We go on until it drops. When that happens let me know, you will feel particular sensations in the body.

I guess it is. This happened from time to time since I joined my first retreat in summer last year but it seems to be more stable now.
Right now there is way less resistance to the flow of life than before. The patterns of Conny are the same but now they don't carry so much weight.
It started with experiences during meditation where it felt like the energetic boundaries of the body are dissolving.
That's the best way I can describe it. It took a while for the body to get used to that because at first there was an instant fear reaction. Now it feels almost like the body is felt from the inside and the outside. But I can't locate where they are felt from. This was only temporary the last months but now it seems to stay.
During a walk today it was obvious that the body is moving but I am not moving. I'm just always right here. It's very hard to put that into words.
Everything feels a little bit more alive... even objects. The seeing has also changed a little bit but I don't even know where to start to put that into words.
There seems to be way less anxiety right now since the acceptance of the mind that life can't be controlled. When it arises there's a natural stopping and feeling of the sensations in the body. If there are thoughts that are about a me that has anxiety it is seen very quickly and inquiry about it happens. It also feels differently right now. It doesn't feel as contracted as it did before.

See carefully, there are no thoughts commanding which hand to use or when to turn the palm up and down.

Yes that's what I meant. The thought pops up but it's not the reason that it happens. There are also times where the thought pops up but no action is taken so it's obvious that the thought isn't the reason for the action.

Does it choose any of its directions? Is it even really a separate entity different from the water deposited in the
rocks, or the depressions in the ground? Is it even the same entity moment by moment,
or more the product of weather conditions and water, like an ever-changing pattern?

No it does not choose it's directions. It's not a seperate entity.. where would the seperate entity even start and the other one end. It's the same.
It's an ever-changing pattern. Nothing stays the same.. everything is always ever changing based on the conditions.

1. Can you find anywhere where Conny autonomously intervenes in life, choosing something that is not the product of all the elements; that is not a part of the overall flow?

No, everything was always part of the overall flow it just didn't seem like it because there where thoughts who claimed to intervene in life and these thoughts were believed in. But now there's a seeing that Conny never decided anything because it was just a bunch of thoughts. Nothing more.. so nothing changed it's just that the thoughts are no longer believed in.

2. Now please consider a regular decision made eg; what to wear in the morning, or what to eat for lunch, and describe to me what happens. There are environmental factors, there are color preferences (but where did those come from - any autonomous intervention there perhaps?), practical issues (such as what is available), available time for preparation, purpose (eg; need to fill up for the day, or to look hip and cool for that person!) etc. Where in there is an autonomous entity intervening in the flow of life? Can you find someone somewhere?

No I can't find anyone.
There are preferences but I would say they are more based on the conditioning. The preference for healthy food because the body feels better after eating it and so that's why it is chosen. The avoidance of particular food because of allergies. There's a knowing that the body won't feel good after eating it so it is avoided.
The energy level of the body takes a part in which meal is made and how long it takes to prepare it.
The emotional state takes a part in the decision which meal is made as well. There's a longing of the body for comforting food when there are feelings of sadness.
There's also a preference for warm, heavier food when it is cold and a preference for fresh and uncooked food when it is warm. But there's no entity who decides. There are just a bunch of preferences that don't belong to an entity.

3. Can anything be found for which Conny is responsible – if so responsible to what and for what?

No I can't find anything. Even if there are thoughts coming up about responsibility they are seen as thoughts very quickly.
There's even a seeing that other people are not responsible.
Certain people can be disliked because the conditioning of this body doesn't match the conditioning of the other body. For example: My body was conditioned to always strive to do everything as perfect as possible. Now when I meet someone who isn't conditioned that way and they make a big mistake that is seen unacceptable and unprofessional and there's a tendency to avoid working with that person in the future. But it is also clear that it isn't a personal failure. It's just how the body was conditioned and the overall conditions. The other person may not be conditioned to check everything twice (or is overworked, had something personal going on, etc.) so there was not enough energy to put all the attention into the project. It's not so serious like it seemed to be.

Much love,

Conny

[atmajnani]

Hi Conny,

We are going in the right direction.

No I can't find anything. Even if there are thoughts coming up about responsibility they are seen as thoughts very quickly. There's even a seeing that other people are not responsible. Certain people can be disliked because the conditioning of this body doesn't match the conditioning of the other body. For example: My body was conditioned to always strive to do everything as perfect as possible. Now when I meet someone who isn't conditioned that way and they make a big mistake that is seen unacceptable and unprofessional and there's a tendency to avoid working with that person in the future.

This question reported to responsibility at an absolute level, just to be clear that there isn't a Conny separate from the environment responsible for anything alone. The examples you gave about liking or disliking people is related with the belief of desire & aversion (reactivity). Before inquiring that you need to clearly see in your consciousness that there is no self, your mental identity of Conny. Don't be afraid, what you experience in actual reality will remain (the Santa Claus mask drops but the man inside just lives).

You are also inquiring your body boundaries, which is another belief distinct from the first self illusion. Here is an exercise:

Body Exercise
Sit with eyes closed for about 15 minutes.
Paying attention only to the pure sensations, without relying on thoughts or mental images:
Can it be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a weight or volume?
In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?
Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?
Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?
Is there an inside or an outside?
If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?
If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?
What does the word/label ‘body’ ACTUALLY refer to?
What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?

Look very carefully, especially with the last question. Take your time, don’t rush. You can
look several times during the day while doing other things (like washing hands, showering,
having a short break from work, walking, etc) before replying.

Warmly,
Atmajnani

[ConnyS]

Hi Atmajnani,

This question reported to responsibility at an absolute level, just to be clear that there isn't a Conny separate from the environment responsible for anything alone. The examples you gave about liking or disliking people is related with the belief of desire & aversion (reactivity). Before inquiring that you need to clearly see in your consciousness that there is no self, your mental identity of Conny. Don't be afraid, what you experience in actual reality will remain (the Santa Claus mask drops but the man inside just lives).

You are also inquiring your body boundaries, which is another belief distinct from the first self illusion.

I'm already all over the place again :D

Can it be known how tall the body is?

No, it can not because there's no body.

Does the body have a weight or volume?

No, it does not.

In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?

No it doesn't. This was really hard to see. There's constantly the image of a body that is created and it took a while to actually drop it to see that.

Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?

No, there's not.

Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?

No, there's no boundary.

Is there an inside or an outside?
If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?
If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?

There's neither inside or outside.

What does the word/label ‘body’ ACTUALLY refer to?

The word body makes no sense during the exercise because there's no body. The label 'body' is just another thought.

What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?

There are just sensations. But there's no body or clothing, or chair. It's just a bunch of sensations with no boundaries.

I've tried this a few times. While sitting with my eyes closed it's easy to see this. Everything is very obvious except the shape of the body. That's the one I struggle with. But during the day with my eyes open it's really hard.
The body is not really a boundary but when there's stuff around me to compare the body to I can't really say that the body is just a sensation. It feels more dense and solid. Especially the inside and outside are definitely there when I have my eyes open.

Much love,

Conny

[atmajnani]

Hi Conny,

You replied:

What is the ACTUAL experience of the body? There are just sensations. But there's no body or clothing, or chair. It's just a bunch of sensations with no boundaries.

But you can see and touch the body, clothing and chair! Can you really say there is no body or clothing or chair?

Everything is very obvious except the shape of the body. That's the one I struggle with. But during the day with my eyes open it's really hard...when there's stuff around me to compare the body to I can't really say that the body is just a sensation

Do this exercise with open eyes. The shape of your body changed since you were conceived, but did the identity of Conny changed? What is there since you remember from childhood that you recognize as 'I'm Conny', unchangeable in time and space? When you compare bodies does it produce sensations or thoughts? Is there a link between thoughts and sensations?

Warmly,
Atmajnani

[ConnyS]

Hi Atmajnani,

But you can see and touch the body, clothing and chair! Can you really say there is no body or clothing or chair?

No :) In the experience it's only sensation. To label it as body, chair, etc. I need to use the mind.

The shape of your body changed since you were conceived, but did the identity of Conny changed?

No, the experience of the identity of Conny did not change.

What is there since you remember from childhood that you recognize as 'I'm Conny', unchangeable in time and space?

That is very hard to explain. There's a sense of existence.

When you compare bodies does it produce sensations or thoughts?

Yes, it feels more contracted.
It's very hard for me to be aware of the changes in thoughts right now.
Today I got the diagnosis for my cat that he has very likely cancer and it isn't clear how much time he has left.
My nervous system is currently in a freeze response because the emotions feel overwhelming so it's extremly hard to observe the thoughts. There are just so many emotions.

Much love,

Conny

[atmajnani]

Hi Conny,

No :) In the experience it's only sensation. To label it as body, chair, etc. I need to use the mind.

Body exists, it's a 'thing' you can touch and see. But you have already realized that it's borders, form, are really not that definite. It's your mind interpretation (thoughts) of the body that give it a form. Look deeply at this situation: when you are sleeping or relaxed with open or closed eyes you can't even sense your body boundaries, but when you start comparing bodies (thoughts) you create an image of your body in your mind that might be flattering or not. Look at the case of anorexic girls, they are just skin and bones and they keep insisting they are too fat even when looking at a mirror or a scale.
Aren't you still identifying deeply with your thoughts?

It's very hard for me to be aware of the changes in thoughts right now.

Conny, in direct experience we only notice thoughts arising and going, the content of thoughts is not relevant.
The purpose of this inquiry is to un-identify with thoughts content. Aren't thoughts the cause of suffering?

My nervous system is currently in a freeze response because the emotions feel overwhelming, so it's extremely hard to observe the thoughts. There are just so many emotions.

I feel empathetic with you. I was exactly in the same situation several years ago. I had 2 cats that I loved very much, but one in particular was just pure love, very attached to me and vice-versa. This cat developed an aggressive cancer at an early age of 7 years old and I suffered so much to see her suffering and die!
Don't repress your emotions, cry if needed and embrace your cat and talk to him from heart to heart. They understand.
And remember that the only thing that dies is the body. All the rest is pure energy that isn't born or dead, love is eternal and pervades everything.

Let me know if you want to continue the inquiry or make a pause.

Warmly,
Atmajnani

[ConnyS]

Hi Atmajnani,

thank you. Even though I know that it helps to get a reminder.
I'm sorry, that sounds very challenging. It is especially hard to go through that when there's such a deep connection to that being.
He was put to sleep today because he had trouble breathing now. I didn't want him to suffer any longer.
I'm going to focus on emotional work for the next days. I will be back next monday. If I can I will return sooner and answer the questions.

Much love,

Conny

[atmajnani]

Hi Conny,

So sorry for your loss.
I know it's very painful!

Take your time and when you are ready come back to inquiry.

Much love,
Atmajnani

[ConnyS]

Hi Atmajnani,

I'm still grieving but the shock of his death happening so fast is lessening so I'm coming back to inquiry now.
If my english is a little off I'm sorry. The effects of the grief are very hard on the body and the mind and sometimes I struggle to put sentences together. I hope you understand me regardless.

Aren't you still identifying deeply with your thoughts?

What I notice is that I'm sometimes deeply identified with thoughts and sometimes I'm not and it's almost laughable when I become aware of the stories my mind is telling. It's almost like a habit that I'm trying to break.

The purpose of this inquiry is to un-identify with thoughts content. Aren't thoughts the cause of suffering?

Oh yes absolutely. I know that for many years now but I guess sometimes it's comforting to stay in it as a sense of safety. I've used my mind to escape from trauma in childhood so it's a double edged sword for me. Losing myself in the mind was a coping mechanism that safed me in a sense but after the traumatic situation was gone I almost got stuck there.

Much love,

Conny

[atmajnani]

Hi Conny,

Nice to hear from you. I have a message for you:
“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” - Rumi

Now let's look again to your identity with thoughts.

Sit quietly for about 30 minutes and notice the arising thoughts.
Just let them appear as they appear. Try your best to COMPLETELY ignore what they are
saying and just notice how they appear without you doing anything at all.

Where are they coming from and going to?
Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?
Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment
instead?
Can you predict your next thought?
Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?
Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?
Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?
Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

It seems that thought has some logical ordered appearance, but look carefully and just
notice, is there an organised sequence?
Or is that just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that ‘one thought follows another thought’.
Can possibly 'Conny' be the collection of those thoughts, past memories, plans and goals?
Can you find 'Conny' anywhere having those thoughts?

Warmly,
Atmajnani

[ConnyS]

Hi Atmajnani,

Nice to hear from you. I have a message for you:
“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” - Rumi

Thank you so much <3 Even though I miss him I'm also very thankful for the experience. Even at his death he gave me the gift of looking at death differently than I have before. It doesn't seem as scary anymore. His death was so peaceful and completely the opposite of what I was told when I was a child. There was so much peace and silence the first days after he was gone.

Where are they coming from and going to?

I don't know. I can't find anything.. they just appear and disappear.

Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?

No, they just pop up but I don't do anything to make them appear.

Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment
instead?

No, I can't.

Can you predict your next thought?

No

Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?

No I can't do that.

Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?

No I can't

Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

No absolutely not.

is there an organised sequence?

No it isn't. They are absolutely random.

Can possibly 'Conny' be the collection of those thoughts, past memories, plans and goals?

Yes. That's pretty obvious when sitting in silence and actually looking at it.

Can you find 'Conny' anywhere having those thoughts?

No I can't.

Much love,

Conny

[atmajnani]

Hi Conny,

Can possibly 'Conny' be the collection of those thoughts, past memories, plans and goals?
Yes. That's pretty obvious when sitting in silence and actually looking at it.

When you replied Yes, do you mean 'Conny' as a mental identity or as your existential being?
Look a bit longer at this and let it sink in. It has to be obvious even in your daily routines.

The story of "me’ can seem to have continuity. Is it really continuous? Or are they simply isolated thoughts that never can truly touch each other, some of them claiming that there's one continuous story?

When we look very closely and precisely we come to see that “me” thoughts only refer to other “me” thoughts, not to an actual abiding “me.” Observe thoughts with precision; can you ever find a ‘me’ within the “me” thoughts and feelings, or just a 'sense of me''?

For a moment take note of exactly what is being experienced in this moment. Notice all sound, all sensation, all smell, all taste, all colour. Notice how you're making absolutely no effort to be aware of them. And notice that you're not making them happen. You're not conducting the orchestra of experience that you're aware of. And notice that thought is exactly the same as the rest of experience. You're effortlessly aware of it, but you're not orchestrating it. You're not even orchestrating the thoughts which say that you're able to orchestrate thoughts.

Let me know if you still believe there is a 'Conny' in your mind or what needs to be further inquired (thoughts, control, decision, free-will). How is your fear level?

Please reply everyday until the belief dissolves.

Warmly,
Atmajnani

[ConnyS]

Hi Atmajnani,

When you replied Yes, do you mean 'Conny' as a mental identity or as your existential being?

I meant Conny as a mental identity.
It is easy to see that it is just a bundle of thoughts while sitting in silence. During the day it's harder to see because I get caught up in the stories very easily. When I start to look at them I can see that these are just stories again. When I stop I'm drawn in to the stories again. But I notice that the stories become less serious.

Is it really continuous? Or are they simply isolated thoughts that never can truly touch each other, some of them claiming that there's one continuous story?

I can't say that they're continuous because they are so random. And yes, I can see that the continuous story is just another thought. In actual experience there's nothing there to tell me that there is anything that continuous. There's only ever this experience right now.

can you ever find a ‘me’ within the “me” thoughts and feelings, or just a 'sense of me''?

Yes, there's a sense of a me. It's very subtle.. sometimes it isn't there at all and there's just a sense of spaciousness.

For a moment take note of exactly what is being experienced in this moment. Notice all sound, all sensation, all smell, all taste, all colour. Notice how you're making absolutely no effort to be aware of them. And notice that you're not making them happen. You're not conducting the orchestra of experience that you're aware of. And notice that thought is exactly the same as the rest of experience. You're effortlessly aware of it, but you're not orchestrating it. You're not even orchestrating the thoughts which say that you're able to orchestrate thoughts.

This is what trips me up I think.. somehow the thoughts seem to be closer than the experience of sensations, smells, etc. so it is easier to identify with them.

Let me know if you still believe there is a 'Conny' in your mind or what needs to be further inquired (thoughts, control, decision, free-will). How is your fear level?

I think the thought stuff is were I struggle the most. Free will is something that is hard for me as well. Conceptually I understand that there's no free will because the decision is made based on the conditioning of the body and mind. But actually seeing it is hard. This comes and goes as well.
The fear level is quite high right now but I would say thats anxiety from the last weeks. My nervous system is pretty easy to upset because of all the trauma. What's interesting is that the relationship to it has changed a lot. There's anxiety in the body but there's no resistance to it. Sometimes there's action taken to help to regulate the nervous system and sometimes there's not. Either way isn't a problem at all because I seem to be less identified with it. Sometimes there are fearful thoughts coming up that there's something wrong with the body but now it is so obvious that they're thoughts that it doesn't matter so they disappear pretty quickly. The sensations of the anxiety stay for a few hours usually and then they just disappear as well. It's almost like it can not touch "me".
This is a very interesting change because fear and anxiety where always such a big deal and now it's becoming just an experience like everything else.

Much love,

Conny

[atmajnani]

Hi Conny,

Sorry for the delay in answering, I had a busy Saturday :-)

It is easy to see that it is just a bundle of thoughts while sitting in silence. During the day it's harder to see because I get caught up in the stories very easily...somehow the thoughts seem to be closer than the experience of sensations...I think the thought stuff is were I struggle the most.

It seems you are very identified with your thoughts and takes some training to relax in your body. I would advise you to use an anchor in your body everytime you 'get lost' in thoughts in your daily life. For instance, everytime you notice you are lost or identified with thoughts, bring your attention to breathing. If there is anxiety, do 3 long deep breaths. You can even do a visualization: breath in peace, exhale anxiety. Daily practice of meditation (20-40 min) and annual meditation retreats (3-4 days) will also be very effective to reduce anxiety and identification with thoughts, if you use this technique of observing thoughts coming and going without identifying with them. Practice of yoga and daily walks in nature are also very beneficial to reduce anxiety.

My nervous system is pretty easy to upset because of all the trauma.

If you are really committed in awakening I advise you to do trauma healing over the years with activities such as yoga, myofascial release therapy, TRE (trauma release exercises), EFT, craniosacral therapy, etc.

Free will is something that is hard for me as well. Conceptually I understand that there's no free will because the decision is made based on the conditioning of the body and mind. But actually seeing it is hard.

The decision is not made only based on the conditioning of the body-mind. You are not separate from the whole and everything contributes to what simply happens. I thought that was clear with the water stream exercise. But lets look at it again. Reply to these questions:

1. Can you see a self making you leave the bed?
Where does the "decision", the "command" to get up come from? What makes the body get up? Does a ‘you’ or a thought command the body?
It's always interesting to see the difference between thought content and what really
happens.

2. Can you choose to fall asleep? Can you find the moment / point / spot where you choose to fall asleep?

3. Can you choose the very content of the next thought? Can you choose willingly the next
thought that will arise?

4. Can you choose the very quality (tightness, openness, vibration, hardness, contraction
etc) of the physical sensation, that will arise next?

5. Can you choose the next emotion, mind state, attitude that will arise? Sit and look at
what is happening. Can you find any choice - point where you willingly chose any emotion
that appeared in response to a stimulus?

6. Think of a number between 1 and 20. Try to notice the exact point when the choice is
made. Did you know what number would be chosen before it appeared?

7. Can you choose with whom you fall in love or not?

8. Close your eyes and sit quietly for 10-15 minutes. Watch what focus does. Focus on
focussing, watch attention itself. Do you move it? Or it moves by itself? Is thinking in control of attention?

Warmly,
Atmajnani

[ConnyS]

Hi Atmajnani,

No worries :)
Sorry I didn't reply yesterday. I suddenly felt sick in the evening and went to bed early.

It seems you are very identified with your thoughts and takes some training to relax in your body. I would advise you to use an anchor in your body everytime you 'get lost' in thoughts in your daily life. For instance, everytime you notice you are lost or identified with thoughts, bring your attention to breathing. If there is anxiety, do 3 long deep breaths. You can even do a visualization: breath in peace, exhale anxiety. Daily practice of meditation (20-40 min) and annual meditation retreats (3-4 days) will also be very effective to reduce anxiety and identification with thoughts, if you use this technique of observing thoughts coming and going without identifying with them. Practice of yoga and daily walks in nature are also very beneficial to reduce anxiety.

Yes it comes in phases. Sometimes I'm very identified and sometimes I can see thoughts very clearly as thoughts. I actually do have an anchor like that. I'm putting my attention into attention. Maybe that's to abstract and I should use the breath instead?
Thanks for all the tips :) I've tried all of that and more in the last six years. Especially the last three when the anxiety got really bad again. It seems that the only thing that really works for me is to let the anxiety be or to go into it when I'm in a place to do so. But I'm learning about somatic work now and really working with the nervous system because that seems to be the problem. My body reacts to minor things in such a big way. So I'll give that a try for now. Maybe it will help :)
What I've noticed is that the more I just drop into the sensations the more the boundaries dissolve. There was a situation where a feeling came up that I can't even really describe. There was no reason for it but it was really intense. I can only describe it as a mix of despair, hopelessness, guilt, shame and just a big NO! to everything. I know that feeling from childhood I just forgot about it. It scared me when I was a child so suppressed it. When it came up now I laid down and just let it take over. And I can't really describe what happened then. I can only say there where definitely no more boundaries anywhere. That happens sometimes during meditation too. But it's only for a brief moment because it happens so sudden and the immediate reaction of the body is intense fear and contraction. The body is literally gasping for air when that happens because it feels so different and it happens so fast.
Do you think that the body needs to get used to the falling away of the perceived boundaries as well?
Right now I can feel the body from the inside and the outside but it's not this full blown "everything is one" sensation that I have for these brief moments.

If you are really committed in awakening I advise you to do trauma healing over the years with activities such as yoga, myofascial release therapy, TRE (trauma release exercises), EFT, craniosacral therapy, etc.

Yes absolutely.. I'm always doing some kind of trauma healing. Not only because of awakening but just to feel more at ease.

The decision is not made only based on the conditioning of the body-mind. You are not separate from the whole and everything contributes to what simply happens. I thought that was clear with the water stream exercise.

Yeah during the exercises it's absolutely clear. But something doesn't seem to "click" I think. I can't really put my finger on it.
...or maybe that's just a thought as well.. there's a thought that says: "my experience hasn't changed so I didn't really get it. There's something else, something in the future. I don't want the experience that I'm having right now I want that in the future that's different"
HA! That was a tricky one to see :D

1. Can you see a self making you leave the bed?
Where does the "decision", the "command" to get up come from? What makes the body get up? Does a ‘you’ or a thought command the body?

No it just happens. There are things to do and the body has needs that want to be met. There's no doer who decides to get up.. it just happens. There can be a thought that says "I need to get up and get ready" but it's not the cause of the action.

Can you choose to fall asleep? Can you find the moment / point / spot where you choose to fall asleep?

No, I can't. If I try to make it happen the body will not fall asleep at all :D
No, I can't find a spot either. It just happens.

Can you choose the very content of the next thought? Can you choose willingly the next
thought that will arise?

No I can't. They just come and go. But there can be a focus of attention on one thought and then it seems like there are a whole bunch of thoughts that are following this one thought that are interesting and that's where I get mesmerized by all of these stories. But they aren't as
intriguing as they used to be. It is easier now to see that they are thoughts and not the truth. So there's less reaction to the stories that the mind is telling.

Can you choose the very quality (tightness, openness, vibration, hardness, contraction
etc) of the physical sensation, that will arise next?

No I can't. They too just happen without someone who is choosing them. But what happens here is that there seems to be a choice to either resist them which makes for example contraction worse or to let them be as they are and then it disappears quickly... and here's where there seems to be a me that is making this choice!

Can you choose the next emotion, mind state, attitude that will arise? Sit and look at
what is happening. Can you find any choice - point where you willingly chose any emotion
that appeared in response to a stimulus?

No I can't find a point where an emotion, mind state etc. is chosen.

Think of a number between 1 and 20. Try to notice the exact point when the choice is
made. Did you know what number would be chosen before it appeared?

No I did not. There's just a number that pops up but it wasn't chosen.

Can you choose with whom you fall in love or not?

No I can't. It just happens by itself.

Close your eyes and sit quietly for 10-15 minutes. Watch what focus does. Focus on
focussing, watch attention itself. Do you move it? Or it moves by itself? Is thinking in control of attention?

No I don't move it. Thinking isn't in control either. It's like attention moves by itself and there's no one doing it. But here it happens again that attention just moves into thought very quickly. It's not even that the stories the mind makes up are really believed in. It's almost like watching a movie. I don't believe that the movie is real either it's just entertaining to watch it. I think this is the problem that I have with thoughts. They are so entertaining. More so than the actual experience of what is happening here.
I've used my mind to escape reality when I was a child because it was too traumatizing to stay with the actual experience. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that I get lost in them so easily. It's like a habit I've done for the last 30 years.
After I had this intense oneness experience I didn't really have thoughts like this for a week or two. There where practical thoughts that popped up like "I need to go buy groceries" or something like that but otherwise it was very quiet. I can even remember when it started again and since then it got more and more intense.
I don't know what to make of all of this.. I'm just putting it out there. Maybe you have an idea of what is going on here :D

Much love,

Conny