Deepest Truth

[Luchana]

Hi Bill,

oh that's lovely! I'm glad to read that there is an impulse to explore.

Tell me how things are going on in your daily life?
Does it still feel that I'm doing, I'm thinking, I'm living my life?

Much love,
Luchana

[BillOfNow]

Tell me how things are going on in your daily life?
Does it still feel that I'm doing, I'm thinking, I'm living my life?

Tell me how things are going on in your daily life?

I am beginning to detach myself from my wife's emotional life.
I have separated myself from a couple people who are brain drains.
I have identified how I want to spend the rest of my life. I am living much of that now.
I feel much more positive about myself.
The emotional and cognitive demands on me are much lower.

Does it still feel that I'm doing,

Mostly, yes.

I'm thinking

Again, mostly yes. Though I do know that I do not have control of my thoughts, and recognize thoughts as they are, some of the time.

I'm living my life?

I do feel that I am living my life. Letting go is in process.

I am happy to be writing you again.
Bill

[Luchana]

Hi Bill,

thanks for looking at the questions.
I feel that there is something underneath this:
So let's look deeper.

I am beginning to detach myself from my wife's emotional life.

What kind of emotions your wife is experiencing?
What is your experience with her?

Much love,
Luchana

[BillOfNow]

What kind of emotions your wife is experiencing?
What is your experience with her?

Hi Luchana,
My wife has a psychological condition called obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. There are a number of traits. I believe you would best understand this disorder and its traits by searching for it yourself in your language. My wife suspects that she has issues, but she is unaware of the extent of the disorder, and the way it has affected me and us.

The oppressive weight that I have been carrying is my ignorance of why she relates to me as she does. When I learned of the disorder 3-4 days ago, I was relieved learn what the problem was between us, and to understand what I can do to relieve the pressure I feel. I am simply establishing boundaries, and not taking her negativity personally.

We have been very close to divorce for the past 2 ½ years. It has been up to me to maintain our marriage. This will be much easier to do now that I know what our relationship will be like, and what her needs are.

In writing this, I can see how I could have been keeping a tight control of myself. I don't see how I could not. And I've been afraid. I had to contemplate leaving my home, and being in financial jeopardy. I'm an old guy. There is no bouncing back.

But that was days ago. Today is truly a new day.

Love, Bill

[Luchana]

Hi dear Bill,

My wife suspects that she has issues, but she is unaware of the extent of the disorder, and the way it has affected me and us.

Oh yeah. Relationship is unpredictable and brings various surprises.
Notice:
- is your wife guilty for her experiences?
- are you guilty for her experiences?

Notice also:
- Are there feelings which you are afraid to meet?
Is there unconscious program which says "This shouldn't be here,don't look at it, look somewhere else, find something else to do but don't go to this feeling, this will kill you"? - be gentle with this investigation.

- Is there shame from any of your own experiences?
Bill, go deeper and put a light and see what's going on in this shadow place.

Much love,
Luchana

[BillOfNow]

Oh yeah. Relationship is unpredictable and brings various surprises.
Notice:
- is your wife guilty for her experiences?
- are you guilty for her experiences?

Notice also:
- Are there feelings which you are afraid to meet?
Is there unconscious program which says "This shouldn't be here,don't look at it, look somewhere else, find something else to do but don't go to this feeling, this will kill you"? - be gentle with this investigation.

- Is there shame from any of your own experiences?
Bill, go deeper and put a light and see what's going on in this shadow place.

Much love,
Luchana

Hi luchana,
Your questions guide me into deep and dangerous waters. That being the case, I have to ask if you are a mental health professional?
Love, Bill

[Luchana]

Hi Bill,

Thanks for the reply.

Your questions guide me into deep and dangerous waters.

Mm, notice that in your previouss mail you said " I'm an old guy" and there are still doors which are locked and forbidden for you to enter. Notice that a voice of fear arrises in the statement above. Actually fear is good sign, it is a protective mechanism. Let's look really is there something scary and dangerous.
Can you ask this this sensation fear:
"My dear fiar I am in my home and I want to see what is there behind this looked door.
What are you protecting me from?
What is there?
What's the worst thing that can happen if you are not protecting me?
Do you believe that I am not big enough to handle this?
Are you still believe that I am small child and I need protection from you?

That being the case, I have to ask if you are a mental health professional?

Please read this:http://www.liberationunleashed.com/register/disclaimer/

I am not psychiatrist. Do you need such a specialist in order to see what is in you?
Do you really believe in the story that there is something wrong with you?
Something that is so shameful that must be hidden? And no one to see it?
Notice that you are here, you are loved, accepted and taking care of already.

I ask you these questions because there is an obstacle to see trough illusion of separate self and this obstacle is the program "Don't go there" .
To break this program is to see what is there.
Do you believe that you cannot deal with life without this program?


With love

Luchana

[Luchana]

Hi Bill,

just checking if you are ok?
And to share that there is no pushing and nothing is at any cost.
If you are not feeling to look at those questions it is completely fine.
I am here for you.

Sending love,
Luchana

[BillOfNow]

Hi Luchana, I need a little time. Maybe I am a little too close to something. I'll be back soon.
Love, Bill

[BillOfNow]

Hi, it's me.

Mm, notice that in your previouss mail you said " I'm an old guy" and there are still doors which are locked and forbidden for you to enter. Notice that a voice of fear arrises in the statement above. Actually fear is good sign, it is a protective mechanism. Let's look really is there something scary and dangerous.
Can you ask this this sensation fear:
"My dear fiar I am in my home and I want to see what is there behind this looked door.
What are you protecting me from?
What is there?
What's the worst thing that can happen if you are not protecting me?
Do you believe that I am not big enough to handle this?
Are you still believe that I am small child and I need protection from you?

I say, Í'm an old guy' to avoid taking myself too seriously. It has little meaning.

I am not psychiatrist. Do you need such a specialist in order to see what is in you?

I think that it can be dangerous to examine the subconscious as this is where trauma, shame and fear reside. I think that a person in weak emotional state can have grave reactions being confronted with ideas or memories, real or imagined. That said, I am not afraid. I have been doing shadow work, somewhat inconsistently, for several weeks. And work to make visible what I take to be my self-image. More on this as I answer your following questions.

Do you really believe in the story that there is something wrong with you?

My father was a monster who gave his children away. I was first born, not given away. But he hated being responsible for me, so he hurt me to relieve his anger. I'm pretty sure I have some serious trauma in my subconscious that I am not aware of.

Something that is so shameful that must be hidden? And no one to see it?

I was never taught love, respect or empathy. It would not be hard to imagine how I related to people. I am ashamed of myself for that. The smallest incident from 50 years ago jumps into my mind and makes me moan aloud. This happens so frequently my wife has stopped asking me why I moan.
That is the rough history of me. But I am not that person anymore. I am a Prodigal Son.

Notice that you are here, you are loved, accepted and taking care of already.

Twenty-five years ago I awoke from something like a trance. My first thought was, 'that was God'. The second thought was, Í am loved, and wanted back'. I took this to mean go to church. So I did. In just a few years I was a lay minister in different ministries, serving during mass, and the sick and dying. I then had a second episode; a somewhat of a trance, recognition that God was with me. I wasn't aware of any "messages"then. But, sometime in the near future, I explained to a friend that we were all connected. I didn't know what that meant or where I got the idea. I attribute it to knowledge I gain in the second episode. I am also aware of other truths regarding God and my relationship to him/her. This is the root of my interest in Enlightenment.
Shortly after my second episode, I became aware that the next 'step'for me was to let go of who I was. While didn't know what that meant, I decided I couldn't do it because of my responsibility to my wife.
Seven or eight years ago, while playing golf with a friend, I told him where were in heaven. It was weird for both of us.
My spiritual life is very dry now. I don't enjoy mass. I do feel a touch of presense when I pray. But not the richness of before. I've asked my parish to connect me to a spiritual director, but a week later, I haven't heard from them.

I ask you these questions because there is an obstacle to see trough illusion of separate self and this obstacle is the program "Don't go there" .
To break this program is to see what is there.
Do you believe that you cannot deal with life without this program?

I understand what you are telling me in this quote. But I am worn out. So I'll say goodnight.
Bill
One last thing; I don't tell people what I've written here. No secret, I just don't have the need to do that. I'm telling you to build our relationship. I want you to help me.

[Luchana]

Hi dear Bill,
Thank you for the honest reply. I am deeply touched.

Shortly after my second episode, I became aware that the next 'step'for me was to let go of who I was

Let's work with this.
To let go what you were , it doesn't mean that you are something wich will change and become something else. This mean that you will stop identify with the role which you are playing, can you see this?
Notice - to find that there is no me\self - this point that a person will become oneness or the oneness will find that it is not a person?

Let's find a role wich you are plying now. Notice the narrative voice.
Investigate what role you are plying?
What is the strategy for surviving?
Notice that in the role you are plying one and the same problems and need to deal with them? Again and again.
Notice which of your desires you are resisting and sabotaging with this role?
This investigation is very importand.
Play with it, find the strategy of surviving mode which this role/narrative is plying.
Notice that you no longer needing this role in order to survive?

Love
Luchana

[Luchana]

Just to add

I was never taught love, respect or empathy. It would not be hard to imagine how I related to people. I am ashamed of myself for that.

There is nothing wrong with you.
You are love, respect and empathy itself Bill.
Question the voice of shame saying
"I'm not ashamed of the way I relate"
"I'm not ashamed. Let everyone sees me."

And notice what's happening in the system. Just notice, do not resist.

Sending much love,
Luchana

[BillOfNow]

Hi Luchana,
Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I will need to reply in several posts.

Let's work with this.

To let go what you were , it doesn't mean that you are something wich will change and become something else. This mean that you will stop identify with the role which you are playing, can you see this?

I understand this generally, but I need to consider the ramifications. I am, and have been, identifying the different facets of what I consider myself. A significant roll is husband, another older brother, neighbor, Christian. I've been looking at that last sentence of mine and now know that it is all baggage that I am putting on myself. Nobody wants me to carry them.

Notice - to find that there is no me\self - this point that a person will become oneness or the oneness will find that it is not a person?

So, my identity is something that I've made up for one reason or another. When I come to terms with this I will know that 'Bill"is an idea. An idea my ego keeps alive for it's own sake.

Let's find a role wich you are plying now. Notice the narrative voice.
Investigate what role you are plying?

Seeker,

What is the strategy for surviving?

Not finding. So my ego will throw obstacles at my mind to keep me churning, seeking. I am not awakening because I am occupied with the obstacles that I think up. Always a 'but' to keep the seeking going. If I could ignore the 'but' I would, and awaken this instant.

Notice that in the role you are plying one and the same problems and need to deal with them? Again and again.
Notice which of your desires you are resisting and sabotaging with this role?
This investigation is very importand.
Play with it, find the strategy of surviving mode which this role/narrative is plying.
Notice that you no longer needing this role in order to survive?

The role may be that of a contemplative. As long as I am a contemplative I don't have to interact with people because I need to sit inside and read one more book so that I understand. Actually, I think this is only partly true. I like interacting with people. But the role of contemplative is interior. Maybe contemplative is not the role that is obstructing me.

I made a document of this post that I will consider and develop off-line.
Thank you, Luchana
I'll look at your second post now.

[BillOfNow]

Hi, this is my response to your second post.

There is nothing wrong with you.
You are love, respect and empathy itself Bill.
Question the voice of shame saying
"I'm not ashamed of the way I relate"
"I'm not ashamed. Let everyone sees me."

And notice what's happening in the system. Just notice, do not resist.

I put this on the same document as the first post. I'll give both posts priority until I break through.

You are love, respect and empathy itself Bill.

This is pretty powerful. I'm close to tears. (Don't tell anyone.)

Thank you for your help. You are pretty good at this.
Love, Bill (signing "Love" doesn't come naturally to me. I'm working on that too.)

[Luchana]

Hi Bill,

you did a good looking.
Let's have a closer look here:

So, my identity is something that I've made up for one reason or another. When I come to terms with this I will know that 'Bill"is an idea. An idea my ego keeps alive for it's own sake.

Does the recognition of the seeing that there is no Bill requires someone or something?
Is it possible for Santa to realise that there is no Santa?

Seeker,

Not finding. So my ego will throw obstacles at my mind to keep me churning, seeking. I am not awakening because I am occupied with the obstacles that I think up. Always a 'but' to keep the seeking going. If I could ignore the 'but' I would, and awaken this instant.

So good that you can see that! Yes, seeking and not finding is the trick.
Look:
How the "I" that could ignore the but is experienced here?
What colour does it have?
What shape?
How far is it?
If you can point it with the finger where the finger would land?

This is pretty powerful. I'm close to tears. (Don't tell anyone.)

Thank you for your help. You are pretty good at this.
Love, Bill (signing "Love" doesn't come naturally to me. I'm working on that too.)

Beautiful. Oh, precious tears, hidden for so long.
You are most welcome Bill,
it is such a joy to walk with you.

Much love,
Luchana