Say as much as you need. Don't be afraid of repeating yourself and don't be afraid of writing too much
I'm often being brief because while I type, something that I said before becomes "not true". I understand that I don't see it like this anymore and I don't see the need to discuss it, because it was written more from “intellectual guessing” than from seeing. And I didn't want to leave all the depiction of process of my looking or sometimes “trying to look” because it often looks messy and misleading. But I understand that it also could be useful.
. I think I have fears of how will I live after seeing. I've heard an read a lot that people can feel lost or like babies after awakening. I understand that you cannot help me with my life, still I have a hope that through conversation I will be able to see that there is nothing to be afraid of.
Is the above , from your first reply, what you were referencing?
Yes, this is it.
Perhaps we can look at these fears and begin to see that it's possible to relax ? That nothing will actually be hurt?
Is it how things will be after "seeing" that is still an anxiety? If so let's look at this.
Well, now there are such thoughts-fears:
“I don't know what to expect”. Unknown frightens
“I am afraid of not seeing” as well, since it would make me incapable in general. =) This thought makes me smile, because it looks like nonsense. Somehow it reminds me of Escher’s impossible cube or Möbius strip. How could I be incapable of something when there is no I in the first place? And even if there would be – does it even matter is it capable of something or not?
“My husband feels anxious about my spiritual search, it will make him very unstable” – when I look into this thought I understand that most likely it will change nothing or could make “our relationships” better because I assume that my attitude could possibly change. Or make me more “emphatic” if it will change anything at all. Probably it wouldn't. Then why to search at all? If nothing changes why yo make so much effort?
And I assume that this effort most likely prevents me from actually seeing. I don't know why I think like I need it so much. Who is searching if there is nobody? How does this process look like in reality?
There is another thought:
“Am I trying to escape real life or sufferings or something else with this?” On the one hand I assume that seeing will vice verse to live on it's fullest, on the other hand there are so much “people around me” who says that this is an attempt to run away from real life and sufferings. And I think that I’m hearing that all the time because it's my inner fear. The thought which I don’t want to see as my own, that's why others bring it to me.
Do you expect to feel lost ?
Well, I actually don't expect it exactly, but I don't know what to expect. I think that I approach it quite slowly and gradually not to feel lost and to be shocked. But at the same time I don't know what exactly to expect. Andhow not to expect anything at all.
Is there a worry that something will be lost or damaged ?
Yes, well, I now understand that I'm probably afraid about my family accepting me with my new vision. Husband, father, less worried about mother, but still, mother-in-law. I don't think I will tell everyone around me what I’ve seen and understood, but what if I won't be able to keep quiet about it? =) But most of all my husband’s attitude bothers me. I see that he is afraid of my searching. I don't know what am I afraid of. To run my family and my daughter’s life? =) To hurt her? To hurt my husband and become totally strangers. I understand that no-self is probably more about seeing that there is no strangers at all. But he won't see it =) We will have less common ground.
Actually, there is a fear in general to be lonely. That the whole world won't understand and accept me.
I think that's all for now