does the skeptic exist?

not really.


Thought: How can I answer so quickly?
Thought: Have I checked this enough?
Thought: How can I be sure?


Feeling the skepticism in the left brow. Left hand. Anger comes up. Sensation in upper legs now.

does the skeptic exist?
there's a movement of ...

Something I just noticed is the pattern of
Looking
Seeing
"Liking the result"
And then being hesitant to look again because "upon closer inspection it might be all wrong"

at this point the best way to put my confusion into "words" is:

?!

Like it's saying: "But what of it?"
hm. Clearly, the not-knowing-part is a bit of a surprise.

asking, "but what expectation was there (for me to be irritated with this)?" yields strong body reaction.
Well, it might be just the ...

I like this

Not really.
Even if you could know, it would be gone while trying

And I hear stories like "I don't know what to answer you".
But if that's a story even, what does that leave me with?
Not much to do.

For split seconds this me thing drops, it seem

in a way I wish I knew nothing of all this and had no expectations

You know, some stories and assumptions become more clear (and let go, I couldn't even tell you which ones) when staring a hole in your text.
But I don't really have any sort of answer

I like weird :)
ooooh, lots of energetic movement

Give it a go, see what happens.


I don't know what happened. Not nothing.

wait,
fear, shaking.
avoidance.
it feels like even the body "grabs" for something at this point.

work through the same with the heart ‘me’
the body does respond, quite ...

that feeling of being the I who is seeing the garden. How is that known in direct experience?

it's a fuzzy familiar feeling.
I guess even "familiar" is just a story.

"Then what does that leave?"

guess even that is a story.

the "familiar" feeling, right now, sits a lot in the head.
There's ...

It very much does feel like "I am experiencing (sitting in a beautiful garden)".
Stories come about how "I am trying to sit with this".
Well, the feeling is welcomed.

Doubt thoughts come in the form of "I should experience seeing like a flat canvas" and stuff like that, it's noticed though.

so, I see how even that comment is full of stories.
Another thing I notice is that (reoccurring) thought coming of "oh god, how am I ever going to explain that to someone?"

Like I have to get everyone to see this. There's an assumption that "it's so important to show this to everyone".
Or maybe ...

I think I want this too much and it's "skewing the results".

What you wrote there really feels transmissive. at the moment i wouldn't want anything other than to stare holes in your most recent message.
For the moment I want to answer you,
but I would also ask to sit with your most recent questions ...

I think I feel lost (on this awakening path), because I imagine something other than what is here to be "out there".

feeling the body really, wholy, yet there seems to be some cave. Some shard missing or broken, around the heart.
What's missing or broken?

Yes. More looking here today.

there's hesistancy to look. there's "being afraid" of what will come, after "I am done with looking" so to speak.
When one ...